Approaching Autistic Adulthood: the Road Less Travelled

Understanding Autism as Neurological Difference

Autism is fundamentally a neurological difference in how people process information, communicate, and experience Sensory input—not a deficiency, illness, or something that needs “fixing.” Autistic people communicate differently: some are non-speaking, some speak variably, and many communicate more literally and logically than neurotypicals, relying less on body language and facial expressions. Many struggle with eye contact, though this reflects Neurological processing differences rather than dishonesty or disinterest.

Autistic people often develop intense, focused interests that can become lifelong pursuits or careers, remembering intricate details with minimal effort. Sensory differences are near-universal: Autistic individuals may be Oversensitive (hyperresponsive) or Undersensitive to stimuli like light, sound, touch, taste, or textures. These aren’t preferences—they’re genuine Neurological differences. For example, background noise at a social gathering may feel unbearably loud to one Autistic person while another experiences Sensory numbness requiring intense stimulation.

Executive dysfunction—affecting concentration, Working memory, multitasking, motivation, and flexible thinking—frequently co-occurs with Autism, particularly when facing unfamiliar or complex tasks without clear guidance. Dyspraxia (difficulty with gross and/or fine motor coordination) often accompanies Autism. The author emphasizes that while most Autistic people share some traits, the Autistic community is profoundly diverse. Common stereotypes (Autistic people are all geniuses, lack emotions, are predominantly male, or possess savant abilities) are inaccurate and harmful, obscuring the reality that Autistic people represent the full spectrum of human capability and emotion.

Information Processing and Filtering Challenges

Autistic individuals struggle to distinguish between relevant and irrelevant information, becoming overwhelmed when bombarded with excessive detail or complicated instructions. Conversely, processing ambiguous or complex explanations—especially when multiple people communicate simultaneously—proves extraordinarily difficult. The cognitive load of “filtering” competing information sources exceeds what the brain can manage. In group settings with multiple conversations happening simultaneously, Autistic people often cannot track who said what, who to listen to, or when to contribute. Many are mistaken for being shy when they’re actually struggling with information filtering and social timing rather than lacking confidence.

This challenge extends to nuanced Social communication. When someone says something with implied meaning or sarcasm, Autistic people often process the literal meaning first, requiring mental effort to reinterpret. Instructions heavy on detail or delivered verbally without written backup create confusion; Autistic people typically need clear, step-by-step instructions rather than extensive elaboration. The author provides a practical example: during a group discipleship course, she struggled with lively group situations and needed discreet one-to-one updates about what she needed to know, preferring concise summaries of main points rather than detailed explanations. When accommodation was provided (focused written updates, smaller group settings, clear agendas), she participated fully and successfully completed the year.

Meltdowns, Shutdowns, and Crisis Responses

Meltdowns and shutdowns are crisis responses when overwhelmed by Sensory overload, social overload, sudden change, or multiple simultaneous demands. A meltdown manifests as extreme behavioral outbursts—shouting, crying, aggression, self-harm, or Repetitive behaviors. A shutdown is less visible and presents as withdrawal from surroundings, reduced communication ability, and difficulty moving away from the situation. The author experiences shutdowns rather than meltdowns, describing them as “power saving mode”—her brain prioritizes handling the immediate situation and cannot simultaneously manage social expectations. Talking becomes difficult not from inability to understand words, but because converting thoughts to words requires mental capacity her depleted brain doesn’t have available.

In severe shutdown mode, the author feels her brain and emotions have reached breaking point, experiencing sudden urges to leave, crying at minor triggers, irritability, or being trapped in a daze unable to function socially. Importantly, Autistic people often manage situations well while they occur, then experience shutdown or meltdown afterward—the crisis response is delayed, not immediate. The trigger-to-response gap can be hours or even days, making cause-and-effect less obvious to observers.

Prevention and recovery strategies include: identifying personal triggers (specific Sensory combinations, particular social situations, multiple simultaneous demands); planning when and where to take breaks in high-stress environments; learning what to expect in advance; sticking with understanding people; bringing comfort items (books, music, fidget tools); and communicating needs to others about what meltdowns/shutdowns mean for you personally. Recovery from shutdowns requires quiet, solitude, and unstructured time—not motivation or encouragement, which misses the Neurological reality of the situation.

Autistic Masking and Its Cost

Masking (also called “Camouflaging”) is when Autistic individuals consciously or unconsciously suppress natural Autistic traits and learn to display neurotypical behaviors to fit in—often driven by fear of standing out, making mistakes, or social rejection. Masking can involve: not stimming (fidgeting, hand-flapping, pacing, hair-playing); forcing uncomfortable eye contact; trying not to react to Sensory discomfort; planning conversation topics in advance; copying Neurotypical body language and behaviors; pretending to understand conversations; and hiding unusual interests or perceived weaknesses.

While everyone masks to some degree in different social contexts, Autistic people in a Neurotypical-dominant world may mask so extensively they lose touch with their authentic selves or burn out entirely. The author describes her mask enabling her to maintain eye contact, laugh at her mistakes, suppress reactions to unexpected touch, attend parties while fighting overcrowding and isolation feelings, and downplay her detailed memory or “nerdy” knowledge to avoid seeming weird. When her mask slips due to stress or fatigue, she becomes irrationally angry, struggles with sarcasm and jokes, either avoids social events or feels desperately lonely in them, and is easily confused by background noise.

During shutdowns or panic attacks, she cannot face anyone except possibly her parents. The author notes that well-meaning encouragement (“you can do it,” “you were doing so well before”) misses the point: after extended masking, she needs rest, not motivation. Masking fatigue is real and distinct from inability or unwillingness—it’s the physical and mental exhaustion from constantly performing neurotypicality while simultaneously managing genuine Autistic needs. Recovery from masking fatigue requires permission to be authentically Autistic without judgment.

Anxiety, Burnout, and Unsustainable Demands

Being Autistic in a Neurotypical world is exhausting because Autistic people expend enormous mental energy making sense of social rules, communication styles, and Neurotypical expectations. Burnout results from stress, excessive social demands, over-empathizing, Sensory overload, or repeated unprocessed overwhelm. It presents as: reduced ability to handle normally manageable situations, increased social difficulty, inability to mask (from forgetfulness or energy depletion), physical/mental/emotional fatigue, unwanted physical symptoms (stomach aches, shaking, headaches, migraines), heightened Anxiety, mental illness relapse, panic attacks, or feeling in an ongoing meltdown/shutdown state.

The author’s childhood experiences included stress headaches, isolation, Depression (going off food, disturbed sleep, reduced functioning), lethargy, withdrawal, obsessive thoughts, and panic. At university, she experienced migraines requiring dark, quiet rooms due to ongoing stress about communicating in ways others understood. She has learned to recognize early burnout signs: decreased enjoyment of normally enjoyable activities, reduced mental energy, inability to handle minor stressors without shutdown despite managing major stressors. Burnout is not laziness or Depression (though it can trigger Depression)—it’s a Neurological response to unsustainable demands.

Recovery strategies include: setting aside quiet time regularly (reading, drawing, journaling without worrying about upcoming events); having one weekly evening completely free from work, gym, or social events to recharge; identifying early burnout signs specific to you; knowing what recharges you (creative pursuits for the author); identifying what drains you (Sensory overload, miscommunication-prone situations, juggling many tasks); reducing screen time before bed; using Anxiety coping mechanisms like repeating calming song lyrics to slow racing thoughts; writing down all worries to gain perspective; practicing slow breathing or visualization; wind-down routines before bed (reading, drawing, relaxing music, meditation); and when sleep won’t come, getting up to do something soothing rather than lying in bed frustrated. Avoiding checking the time during sleepless nights prevents the Anxiety spiral of “I only have X hours left.”

Importantly, burning out is normal and human—it’s okay to not function at your best all the time. Setting boundaries around social demands is essential self-care, not selfishness. Accommodations that prevent burnout (structured downtime, reduced Sensory exposure, clearer communication, smaller group sizes) benefit both the Autistic person and everyone around them.

Coming out as Autistic

The author spent years feeling ashamed about her Autism Diagnosis, fearing judgment and remaining silent through secondary school. Change came gradually through encountering other Autistic people who accepted their Diagnosis and later someone at church who empathized. She realized that spending her whole life hiding a fundamental part of herself due to fear wasn’t worth it. Autistic people, like members of any minority, are often conditioned to see their differences negatively, and hidden differences increase Anxiety about potential negative reactions.

The author advises explaining Autism contextually: if struggling socially in crowded settings, you might say “I am Autistic, which makes it hard for me to read Neurotypical people and understand social interaction with them” or “I am Autistic, which means I have very sharp senses, and all this noise is really uncomfortable for me.” Allow Autism to come up naturally in conversation when relevant rather than making a formal announcement. Most people today won’t reject you; if they do, they’re proving they’re not people you want in your life.

Self-acceptance is crucial—Laurie Morgen emphasizes that fighting who you are is the worst thing possible. Self-acceptance matters for both mental health (others’ opinions shouldn’t override your wellbeing) and authenticity (people sense when you’re not genuine, causing alienation). The author provided a detailed letter to her church discipleship course leader explaining: her gentle, articulate communication style; that she communicates best through writing; her struggles with social interaction, physical coordination, and processing multiple information sources simultaneously; that she struggles keeping up in group settings and needs discreet one-to-one updates; that she understands instructions better as concise summaries; that lively group situations are overwhelming; that she’s empathetic and intuitive about emotions despite difficulty with face-to-face interaction; that she shows signs of dyspraxia; and that she’s intelligent, mild-mannered, witty, and a deep thinker who can contribute fully when in the right environment. This disclosure transformed her experience—understanding replaced dismissal, and she felt genuinely known rather than performing.

Responding to Common Reactions and Stereotypes

Common unhelpful reactions to Autism disclosure include stereotyping statements (“You don’t look Autistic,” “Autistic people are always good at math/IT”), expressing pity (“Oh, I’m so sorry”), treating Autism as an illness, assuming all Autistic people are the same, and making pop-culture comparisons (“You’re like Rain Man”). The author provides a response framework with factual, humorous, and deflection options. For example: “You don’t look Autistic” → Factual: “Autism doesn’t have a particular look”; Humorous: “Well, Autistic people tend to have a head, hair, two eyes, and four limbs, so I guess I do”; Deflection: “What am I supposed to look like?”

The term “neurotypical-splaining” describes when non-Autistic people unnecessarily explain Autism to Autistic people—often well-meaning but annoying because it either states the obvious or conveys ignorance. Well-meaning mistakes are easier to correct with patience and clarification than with frustration. The author emphasizes that Autistic people have the power to educate neurotypicals, and remembering that neurotypicals lack Autistic social skills is helpful for maintaining patience.

Other unhelpful tropes to counter: claiming all Neurotypical people are “a little Autistic” (dismissive of actual Autistic experience); suggesting vaccines caused Autism (disproven); treating Autism as something to cure or treat (it’s not an illness); insisting on “person-first language” over identity-first language (implying shame about being Autistic); suggesting Autistic people are inspirational simply for existing (reductive and patronizing); and expressing surprise at Autistic people having jobs, education, relationships, or friends (implying lower expectations based on disability).

Empathy and Emotional Capacity

A widespread misconception is that Autistic people lack empathy. Research increasingly shows Autistic people experience emotional empathy intensely—feeling others’ pain acutely—but struggle with cognitive empathy (reading facial expressions and body language). The author’s longest friend Will describes: “When I feel someone else’s pain, I feel it strongly. […] Many of us have too much affective and compassionate empathy, which can be overwhelming.” The author feels others’ tears alongside them and has learned to combine emotional empathy with cognitive understanding of what people need (hugs, practical help, cheering up, or simply listening and understanding).

This distinction is crucial: Autistic people often understand others’ emotions deeply but express or respond in ways Neurotypical people don’t recognize. The author shows love through loyalty, remembering specific details about others’ lives, making time for people, and small gestures rather than verbal declarations. Partners and friends should reciprocate understanding about what makes each person feel loved and recognized.

Listening well means: keeping focus on the other person; listening without interrupting; asking how they feel; letting them know they don’t have to talk but you’re happy to listen; thanking them for trusting you; warning if you’ll need to tell someone else (e.g., safety concerns). Don’t: laugh at them, judge negatively, make assumptions, claim to know exactly how they feel, shift focus to yourself, or tell their secrets (except for safety: suicidal thoughts, self-harm, bullying, harm to others, sexual harassment, running away—only tell trusted people who can help). Simple questions (“Do you need a hug?” “Is there anything I can do?” “Would you like me to do x?”) help enormously, and it’s crucial not to offer things you can’t do and to make clear their answer won’t disappoint you.

Making and Maintaining Friendships

Finding close friendships is challenging for Autistic people in Neurotypical environments. The author watched others form close-knit groups while feeling isolated, spending much of social situations with one known person or alone. Friendships often start through shared regular activities (college, work, volunteer work, hobby groups like choirs or orchestras) where you naturally spend time with the same people and develop conversation without pressure. Initial conversation topics by friendship stage:

• New acquaintances: location, weather, leisure activities, job/study, shared connections, pets, interests
• People you’ve spoken to several times: ADD worldly events, work updates, weekend plans, current passions
• Regular contacts: family/pets, thoughts on shared settings, continuing previous conversations, minor frustrations
• Close friends: personal struggles, politics, beliefs, money, embarrassing details

The author shares real friendship examples: meeting Marianne at a bookshop internship, they bonded through working together without pressure, sometimes working in comfortable silence, eventually understanding each other with glances. Meeting Lizzie at orchestra nearly 10 years ago through shared violin teacher anecdotes, music struggles, accidental physical bumping, and cat love—eventually becoming a most trusted friend through continued contact despite university separation and being the first person the author came out to about sexuality. Meeting Joy during church internship—an opposite personality (spontaneous extrovert vs. Introverted author), they bonded on a mission trip, accumulated inside jokes, and now balance each other (Joy helps the author step out of comfort zone; author reminds Joy to slow down).

Friendship stages:

• Casual friendship: See regularly, get along superficially, have jokes, comfortable but don’t confide deeply or maintain contact outside shared settings. May evolve or fade.
• Fun friendship: Hang out intentionally, share interests/hobbies, have jokes, enjoy company, can confide somewhat. Great while it lasts but can fizzle quickly if both don’t invest in deepening connection.
• Close friendship: Mutual trust and Support, stay in touch consistently, resolve disagreements healthily, rely on each other, both fun and supportive. Usually requires significant problems or prolonged contact loss to end.

Boundaries, Conflict Resolution, and Unhealthy Friendships

From childhood through university, the author believed maintaining friendships meant always letting the other person have their way—never saying no because she thought that was offensive. She gave away pencils, let people cut queues, shared treats, wanting to make people happy. She later realized that not having boundaries makes it harder to recognize and respect others’ boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries means: being consistent in treatment standards; politely but firmly telling someone if you dislike how they treat you; listening and apologizing when they express discomfort with your behavior; disagreeing respectfully; reminding people that their viewpoint isn’t the only one; saying no to requests without guilt; and not taking their no personally.

Conflict is particularly hard for Autistic people because social interaction requires constant high-alert monitoring of implications and body language; ADD high emotions, anger, fear of worsening things, and difficulty expressing yourself eloquently, and conflict becomes overwhelming. The author describes soaking up people’s negative emotions like a sponge, making conflict paralyzing. Her approach now: take time away (not to guilt-trip but to calm down), do something restorative (walk, relax, hobby), then think about what went wrong and how each person was hurt. Writing thoughts gives clarity. Consider the other person’s perspective fairly. When ready, ask politely if they want to talk. If either party isn’t ready, wait. When discussing, use “When you said/did x I felt…” rather than “You always…” or “You never…” Listen without defensiveness, ask for clarification if needed, apologize sincerely (not just to please). If they won’t listen or behavior is unmanageable, state clearly and end the conversation.

No friendship is entirely good or bad, making it hard to distinguish healthy relationships with occasional problems from truly unhealthy ones. Healthy friendships: disagree but respect each other, handle mistakes/fallouts infrequently with good communication, mild teasing with clear boundaries, other relationships don’t interfere, Support each other through problems, honesty, mutual learning, treat each other the same in public and private, respect boundaries, apologize and forgive, remain stable despite distance/time.

Unhealthy friendships: one person dependent on the other, “friend only when convenient” behavior, repeated disrespect, repeated undermining of self-esteem, taking the other for granted, controlling behavior, jealousy, constant competition, lying/gossip/broken promises, mentally/emotionally exhausting, same problems recurring with no improvement, one person refusing to listen after conflict. The author shares a detailed example of a toxic friendship with “Sandra”: the author put the other person first unquestioningly, accepted all decisions, made all requested changes, worried constantly about mistakes (which irritated Sandra), tolerated criticism, grumpiness, and conditional help-offering without reciprocal Support. When the author raised concerns, Sandra’s word was final and the author’s dismissed. Sandra wanted contradictory things (less bossy yet called her pushover; more space yet stop walking on eggshells). The author became emotionally dependent on Sandra’s approval, hated herself, experienced physical Anxiety symptoms, cried frequently over minor social faux pas. The relationship ended with an argument about meeting logistics.

The author realized she hadn’t understood boundaries, set none herself, lacked confidence explaining Autistic communication to avoid “making excuses,” couldn’t respond to criticism with perspective, and was in a toxic dynamic. To exit unhealthy friendships: clarify why it’s not working (write it down for perspective and firmness), talk honestly and respectfully avoiding accusations (“You always…” → “When you do x, I feel…”), listen if they express hurt respectfully, don’t let them manipulate you, apologize only if genuinely warranted (not just to please), remain firm if they react badly, end the conversation if they refuse to listen. After a friendship break-up: let yourself feel loss—it’s natural and necessary for healing, immerse yourself in comforting activities and other friendships, process anger and guilt objectively (identify your mistakes to learn, but don’t let shame prevent growth), interact politely with your ex-friend if you share social circles (small talk, friendliness without emotional involvement), don’t badmouth them to others, let mutual friends maintain their own relationships with both of you—don’t force them to choose. Over time, with distance, the author reached peace about both her mistakes and Sandra’s, occasionally reflecting but no longer troubled.

Dating, Emotional Readiness, and Romantic Relationships

Naomi’s key advice: “Be true to yourself. Don’t aim to be in a relationship because it’s socially accepted. Examine whether it’s something you actually want or whether you just feel socially pressured to date. You are whole as a person in your own right.” The author spent her teenage years longing for a boyfriend to fit in and feel loved/accepted, but couldn’t generate genuine romantic interest in boys. She didn’t force relationships because it felt wrong to connect intimately without genuine attraction. She doesn’t regret avoiding experimental dating. Emotional readiness matters more than age. Kathleen’s ex-boyfriend offered perspective: “Not by your own clock. By your own clock, you’re right on time”—addressing Anxiety about being behind peers in relationships and sexuality. The author is 28 (writing in 2021), hasn’t been in a relationship, but understands high and low points of love through observation and others’ input. When and how dating begins varies enormously—some date in school, others much later; some meet partners effortlessly, others after months or years of searching.

Indicators of emotional readiness include comfort being alone without dependency on others, unwillingness to settle for conditional love, happiness with current life circumstances, having sources of joy beyond dating, ability to accept others’ flaws, capacity to set and respect boundaries, knowledge of unwanted traits in partners, and openness to vulnerability. Signs of unreadiness include wanting relationships because others do, dependence on a partner to “fix” you, seeking to fix someone else, relationship seeking purely for sex, discomfort with long-term commitment, or instinctively withdrawing from emotional closeness.

Meeting potential partners happens through: friends and family introductions, joining interest-based classes or social groups, and online dating platforms (which vary by purpose—hookups vs. Serious relationships—and specific communities). When asking someone out, keep it casual (“would you like to meet for a drink?”). Choose comfortable locations for both people. Early dates with structured activities (rather than just conversation) can ease Anxiety. When meeting someone, gauging their interest requires attention to social cues: attraction indicators include smiling, prolonged eye contact, staying physically near, standing taller, mirroring posture, and asking questions about you. Discomfort signals include looking away, blushing, covering mouth, shifting feet, and changing conversation topics.

Communication and disclosure of Autism are relationship assets. Autistic honesty and openness—Autistic people are less likely to communicate with hidden meaning or ulterior motives and can be dedicated and loyal—create relationship advantages if partners appreciate explicit communication and genuinely try to understand Autism-specific needs. However, communication differences require explicit discussion: How do both partners express and process emotions? What do they need when experiencing emotions? What makes each person feel loved? If unspoken communication is difficult, state this clearly and explain how you prefer to communicate. Discuss whether you need time and space to process emotions (clarifying this doesn’t mean your partner did something wrong). Regarding disclosure, explain what Autism means for you during social interaction—clarify that lack of eye contact, “power saving mode,” etc., don’t indicate disinterest. If dating another Autistic person, shared experiences can bond you; if dating a Neurotypical person, they may need explicit education about Autistic communication and behavior.

Expressing and receiving love involves recognizing that different people express love differently—some through words, others through actions like gift-giving, remembering details, or making time. Partners must understand each partner’s love language and “meet somewhere in the middle.” Autistic people often show love through loyalty, remembering specific details about others’ lives, making time for people, and little gestures rather than verbal declarations.

Physical intimacy and touch sensitivity: Over- and under-sensitivity to touch are common in Autistic people, making this a critical conversation topic. Discuss: What types of physical contact do you both like or dislike? Are there contacts one person isn’t ready for? When and where is physical intimacy appropriate? How do you both express wanting or not wanting physical intimacy, including sex? If one person wants intimacy but communicates unclearly, the partner may feel ignored. If one person doesn’t want it but their non-consent isn’t being picked up, boundaries are violated.

Red flags and unhealthy relationships: Autistic people are particularly vulnerable to manipulation and toxic relationships because they take things at face value, lack confidence in judgment, have a strong need to “get things right,” and may display toxic behavior without realizing it. Warning signs include: body shaming, entitlement to another’s time/attention/body with refusal to accept “no,” unwanted or premature touch, viewing partner only as a sexual being, interfering with non-romantic relationships or life aspects, control/intimidation/domination, refusing clarity about relationship desires, physical harm or fear, over-dependence, showing no concern for partner’s wants/needs/feelings/opinions, gaslighting (denying perceptions or blaming emotional struggles on the partner), perfectionism replacing acceptance of flaws, or infidelity.

Breakups and rejection are common and painful. Initial feelings include disappointment, sadness, hurt, and anger—intense simultaneous longing and hatred. The rejected person should: take time and space to heal; seek Support from trusted friends/family without judgment or pressure to mask; engage in body and mind-nourishing activities; avoid taking it out on the other person. Rejection doesn’t mean the other person is bad or that you’ll never find anyone. Guilt and self-loathing are natural but misplaced—breakups occur because something broke the connection, not because something is broken within you. When turning someone down, be honest but respectful, explaining your feelings rather than blaming them. Stand firm in your decision despite guilt or pity. If they turn threatening or won’t accept “no,” leave and move to public space; contact a friend or family member.

Lgbtqa+ Identity and Coming Out

Autistic people are disproportionately represented in the LGBTQA+ community—a higher proportion are transgender, non-binary, or gay compared to Neurotypical populations. Coming out requires courage and can feel scary, awkward, embarrassing, and potentially risky in homophobic/transphobic communities, but it can also be liberating, cathartic, and empowering. It secures trust bonds and increases chances of meeting people like you and finding romantic partners.

Coming out strategies: Decide whether to tell family all together or individually (together means one conversation; individually may feel safer if some members are less accepting). Be clear beforehand about what you want to say—write down key points if helpful. Example talking points: “I don’t want this to be a big deal,” “I think you have a right to know,” “Feel free to ask questions/I’m not ready for questions/I may not answer everything,” “It hurts when people say X about LGBTQA+ people,” “I’ve planned to talk about this for a while,” “Right now I feel X about my sexuality/gender,” “Would you mind not telling anyone yet?”

Coming out doesn’t always need to be serious—some people suggest humorous approaches like saying “you know what’s gay? Me!” or creating a cake with the message. Connecting with LGBTQA+ social groups and forums helps normalize discussions and can lead to friendships and romance.

Safety considerations: If coming out to household members risks danger (violence, homelessness), don’t disclose. Instead, confide in friends/family outside the home, seek Support groups online, and gradually let only accepting people into your life while being open about your identity from the start with new people.

Handling negative reactions: People may make inappropriate assumptions, ask overly personal questions (about relationship history, sex life, or genitals), assume you’re “pushing the agenda,” claim you’re seeking attention, or insist Autistic people can’t be LGBTQA+. You can respond honestly and concisely (“I don’t have to have experienced X to know I want/don’t want it” or “My relationship decisions aren’t always connected to my personal feelings”) or simply decline to answer (“I’m not comfortable discussing this”). You have the right to correct false assumptions but no obligation to answer invasive questions. When faced with uncomfortable reactions, remember that mistakes don’t necessitate cutting someone out—if they accept you and genuinely try to understand, that matters. However, if reactions are uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean you should tolerate mistreatment.

Sensory Sensitivities and Environmental Navigation

Autistic people often experience Sensory stimuli either more or less intensely than neurotypicals, which can contribute to attention deficit tendencies. Common challenges include bad smells (cigarette smoke), repetitive sounds (heels clicking), people in personal space, and tripping over environmental obstacles. The author experiences shopping as mentally exhausting due to background noise, music, talking, and traffic—compounded by spatial and visual sensitivity. Laurie describes difficulty in wide open spaces like shopping centers and IKEA, where changing floor textures feel disorienting and create an urge to crawl.

The author manages shopping through systematic organization: numbering items on lists by supermarket location, grouping items from the same aisle, and organizing bags strategically (fruits/vegetables together, soft items on bottom, hard items separate). This methodical approach reduces cognitive load and increases efficiency. When assigning numbers to items, she groups by location: “1” for produce, “2” for dried goods in that section, “3” for painkillers and hair conditioner, etc. This system ensures each location is visited only once. For gift shopping, practical approaches include: asking recipients what they’d like beforehand, noting which shops likely carry specific items, making a list linking items to shops, planning which presents to buy on each trip, and avoiding leaving shopping until the last minute.

Social gatherings present dual challenges: Sensory overload and social navigation. Kathleen describes how crowded places (bars, pubs, clubs, large family events) create overwhelming noise that feels like “being stabbed in the ear over and over by voices,” sometimes requiring alcohol to numb senses. The author struggles to focus conversations in noisy environments despite hearing people clearly—the issue is hearing too many things simultaneously. Social positioning is confusing: people shift between groups while the author lingers uncertainly, unsure whether to join conversations or when pauses occur.

The author’s internal experience while mingling reveals constant multitasking: tracking conversations behind her, noticing children screaming, monitoring her own eye contact levels, processing what’s funny about nearby laughter, and losing her train of thought repeatedly. Key strategies for social gatherings include: gathering facts about events beforehand (duration, attendees, activities) to form mental pictures; not feeling ashamed of social awkwardness; clearly communicating that declining events doesn’t mean lack of appreciation for inclusion; and crucially, taking significant time alone afterward to recharge. Kathleen notes that non-Autistic people often fail to understand that early departure after one or two hours reflects genuine Sensory recovery needs, not rudeness. Recharge time is not antisocial—it’s essential maintenance for continued social functioning.

Transportation and Navigation Challenges

Driving: Autistic traits like attention to detail and strict rule observance are assets when driving. Abby describes “hyper-vigilance” that allows good observation and quick action but causes unusual exhaustion—she tires more easily than typical drivers despite being a careful, rule-focused operator. The author found learning car mechanics straightforward (especially using automatic transmission to reduce multitasking), but predicting other road users’ intentions proved extremely difficult. She couldn’t judge when other drivers would move or when pedestrians would cross, leading to excessive hesitation due to fear of hurting someone. She never improved enough to pass her driving test. For those learning to drive, finding instructors specializing in Autistic students or disabilities helps, though mainstream instructors need clear communication about specific challenges (predicting intentions, gross motor coordination) and learning preferences.

Buses: Present unpredictable rules the author initially didn’t understand: waving at drivers to board, pressing buttons to request stops, interpreting changing arrival time displays, and inconsistent ticket-printing policies. What initially seemed straightforward became an exercise in tolerating unpredictability. However, buses became valuable recharge time during commute home from work—listening to music and staring out windows allowed brain recovery, especially on less-crowded double-decker backup buses. This demonstrates how accessibility needs (solo Sensory recharge time) can be built into existing structures.

Trains: From small stations are more straightforward due to logical platform ordering, clearly advertised times, and minimal train options. The author’s university/internship commute involved a simple sequence: buy ticket, go to platform 2, board fast train (10 minutes), listen for destination announcement, exit. Slower trains (25 minutes, three stops) served as backup. Large train stations are problematic—massive buildings with confusing layouts, maze-like tunnels, divided platforms (A/B/C sections), and extreme overcrowding creating lingering fumes and food smells. Using Vaseline or Tiger Balm under the nose helps mask unpleasant odors.

Airports: Are “kryptonite” despite lifetime flying experience. They combine the worst elements of large train stations with complex paperwork, multiple check-in locations with time deadlines, frequent delays, and mandatory extended wait times causing hours of Sensory overload. The Blue Band Scheme (Autism identification wristband) proved invaluable at Manchester Airport, providing staff Support and guidance through airport procedures. However, a mission trip flight without family Support triggered a severe Anxiety spiral—despite preparation, sleep deprivation, crowds, noise, pressure changes causing ear pain, confinement, and inability to escape catalyzed a shutdown that escalated into a panic attack. The author experienced profuse sweating, uncontrollable shaking, heart pounding, and nausea. Hiding in a toilet cubicle (small, cool, private space away from others) helped; distraction conversation with a supportive friend prevented vomiting and managed Anxiety during a connection flight.

Public transport coping strategies include: obtaining up-to-date timetables with journey duration; mentally preparing for difficulties (Sensory overload, crowding, navigation); using journey time for recharge with books, music, or relaxation tools; clearly explaining Autistic needs to potential helpers; practicing journeys with others when possible; managing physical needs (hydration, small pre-journey meals, toilet access, appropriate layered clothing); and attending to Sensory needs (comfortable clothes, noise-blocking earphones, dark glasses, scented items under nose).

Bullying, Disrespect, and Patronizing Behavior

Intentional bullying takes multiple forms requiring different responses:

• Physical: Stand straight, give prolonged eye contact, run/walk away before escalation, or calmly ask why they behave this way
• Verbal (name-calling, teasing, insulting): Ask why they’re saying it, ignore it, firmly tell them to stop with prolonged eye contact, or respond politely/humorously
• Social (spreading rumors, alienating, gaslighting): Act unaffected if possible, firmly correct false claims, seek trusted Support, find new friendships in new settings
• Prejudicial (racism, sexism, ableism): Firmly correct stereotypes, don’t laugh at offensive jokes, calmly explain they’re hurtful, or ask if they’d behave the same toward someone else (white, male, etc.)
• Sexual: Ignore rude comments/gestures, ask why calmly, give prolonged eye contact
• Cyber: Screenshot abusive messages (don’t delete), don’t reply, block the bully, report to service providers per their Terms of Use

General bullying responses include: documenting details and reporting to authorities (school, workplace, family, police if necessary); building strong Support systems; reaching out to other targets; warning the bully firmly while remaining calm about consequences; standing up for others facing bullying; remembering bullies are likely angry, unhappy, insecure people (possibly former victims themselves—this doesn’t justify behavior but makes them less frightening); and refusing to let bullying change you into someone worse. Bullying exploits vulnerability stemming from difference, not inherent weakness. The author’s college experience improved only when she stopped reacting emotionally and started ignoring behavior—not through personality change, but through understanding that bullies maintain power through fear and compliance.

Unintentional disrespect and microaggressions often hurt more than intentional bullying. The author was told to “ask God to heal” her Autism (implying it’s an illness), experienced racial microaggressions (being greeted with “ni hao” or “Konichiwa” despite being English), and faced Autism stereotypes (assumption that she’d studied math/science/IT at university despite studying Creative Writing and Journalism). Responses involve calm, respectful honesty without anger: explaining Autism is a Neurological difference, not an illness; noting that stereotyping based on appearance is uncomfortable; or ending conversations politely when the other person refuses to listen.

Patronizing behavior occurs when people talk to someone else about you in front of you, speak more loudly/slowly than necessary, use childish language, pity you for being Autistic, constantly offer unnecessary help, or praise minimal accomplishments. “Inspiration porn” involves celebrating disabled/Neurodivergent people simply for existing or doing routine activities—portraying them as inspirational just for “managing” daily life. This implies low capability expectations and reduces disabled people to learning tools for non-disabled people. The author clarifies that while she appreciates understanding and genuine admiration for real achievements, she doesn’t exist solely to inspire or educate Neurotypical people. Appropriate responses to patronizing include: redirecting conversation to talk directly to you; clarifying you don’t need louder/slower speech; reminding people you’re an adult; explaining Autism isn’t pitiful; stating you’ll ask for help if needed; and distinguishing between validation of genuine struggles versus praise for routine tasks. If someone repeatedly patronizes, these responses can be prefaced with acknowledgment of good intentions before setting boundaries.

Work, Education, and Navigating Neurotypical Systems

While the book emphasizes that Autistic people can thrive in work and education, the path often requires specific Accommodations and Self-advocacy. The author successfully completed university and multiple internships but required adjustments: clear communication about her needs, structured environments, understanding supervisors, and permission to work in ways that played to her strengths (writing, detailed work) rather than forcing Neurotypical-style performance. Her written communication was often her greatest asset—when given time to compose thoughts in writing, she demonstrated sophistication and clarity that didn’t always emerge in spontaneous verbal conversation.

Practical Strategies & Techniques

Systematic Organization for Sensory and Cognitive Management

The author’s grocery shopping system demonstrates how Autistic cognitive styles, properly supported, can become efficient tools. Rather than wandering aisles randomly, she assigns numbers to items by supermarket location, then shops by numbers. This reduces the cognitive load of filtering and decision-making in a sensorily overwhelming environment. The same principle applies to gift shopping, travel planning, and any complex task. Creating checklists, organizing by system rather than intuition, and breaking large tasks into sequential steps transforms “overwhelming” into “manageable.”

How to apply: Identify a task that feels chaotic or overwhelming (packing, party planning, event navigation). Map the environment or process logically. Assign items/steps sequential numbers. Work through the system methodically. This approach works because it reduces real-time decision-making and filtering demands, allowing the Autistic brain to function at capacity rather than overload.

Environmental Accommodation and Communication of Needs

The author’s letter to her church discipleship course leader transformed her experience because it was specific, non-apologetic, and framed as necessary information rather than weakness. Rather than vaguely saying “I struggle sometimes,” she explained exactly what she needed: discreet one-to-one updates of key information, concise summaries rather than detailed elaboration, smaller group settings when possible, and clear agendas in advance. These specific Accommodations enabled her to participate fully and successfully—not despite her Autism, but by working with how her brain actually functions.

How to apply: When entering a new situation (job, class, group, activity), identify specific challenges and specific solutions. Write them down—this forces clarity and creates a reference document. Frame as “I learn/communicate/function best when…” rather than “I can’t…” or “I’m sorry but…” Provide this information proactively to relevant people. Many people want to Support Autism if they understand what Support looks like.

Scheduled Recharge Time As Non-Negotiable Maintenance

The author’s strategy during Christmas 2019 (deliberately scheduling quiet time daily for reading, drawing, journaling plus one completely free evening per week) prevented burnout despite juggling work, shopping, and social events. This isn’t self-indulgence—it’s the Neurological equivalent of charging a battery. Without it, functioning capacity depletes to crisis points.

How to apply: Identify your primary recharge activity (reading, solo hobbies, nature, music, creative work, solitude). Schedule it non-negotiably like any medical appointment—not something to cancel when busy, but something to protect when busy. Minimum viable recharge time varies by person but often requires 1-2 hours daily plus one fuller recharge day weekly. Experiment to find what prevents burnout for you. Communicate this need to household members, partners, and supervisors as necessary maintenance, not optional preference.

Explicit Communication of Emotions, Needs, and Boundaries

When the author moved from “trying to guess Neurotypical expectations” to explicitly stating needs (time to process emotions doesn’t mean her partner did something wrong; lack of eye contact doesn’t mean disinterest), relationship quality improved and miscommunication decreased. Rather than assuming others will pick up on subtle cues, state directly: “I need X,” “That made me feel Y,” “When you do Z, I interpret it as…” This removes ambiguity and prevents both sides from feeling confused or rejected.

How to apply: Practice stating needs directly without apology. “I need 15 minutes alone before we discuss this” rather than “Sorry, can I have a minute?” “That comment made me feel bad because I interpreted it as…” rather than avoiding the conversation. “I show affection by remembering your details and making time, not always through words—please know that reflects my care” rather than assuming people will recognize non-verbal demonstrations. Write these out first if speaking is difficult. Encourage others to communicate explicitly too. This approach requires vulnerability but creates genuinely understood relationships rather than performed ones.

Gradual, Low-Pressure Friendship Development

The author’s friendships with Marianne (bond through working together), Lizzie (decade-long violin connection), and Joy (mission trip bonding) developed through regular contact in structured settings without forced intensity. None required immediate vulnerability or high-energy socializing. Shared activities provided natural conversation fodder and bonding without demanding constant emotional labor.

How to apply: Rather than seeking “instant best friends,” notice which people you naturally spend time with through activities/work/hobby groups. Allow conversation to develop organically around shared experience. Suggest low-pressure hangouts (joint activities, paired time) rather than expecting deep connection immediately. Pay attention to reciprocity—does this person seem to enjoy your company too? Friendship quality matters more than friendship speed. Building from structured interaction (classes, work, hobby groups) provides automatic regularity and shared context that reduces the social labor of “just hanging out.”

Framework for Boundary-Setting and Conflict Resolution

The author’s progression from “never say no” to healthy boundary-setting involved learning to: state needs clearly and repeatedly if necessary; listen to others’ perspectives without defensiveness; use “When you…I felt…” language to avoid blame; apologize when genuinely warranted (not just to please); and end conversations firmly if they’re not productive. Importantly, she learned that boundaries don’t require harsh language—they can be gentle and still firm.

How to apply: Identify a recurring boundary issue (someone making requests you resent, a behavior that bothers you, a need that’s repeatedly unmet). Write down what you want to communicate using “When you [specific behavior], I feel [emotion] because [reason]. I need [specific change].” Practice saying it. When discussing, maintain this structure rather than escalating to accusations. If the other person won’t listen or behavior doesn’t change, you can acknowledge their perspective while remaining firm: “I hear that you disagree. I’m still not okay with [behavior].” You can end conversations by saying “I need to end this conversation now” or “I can’t discuss this further today.” Boundaries are not mean—they’re how you protect your wellbeing.

External Resources

• Additude Magazine - ADHD resources and information
• Autism Self Advocacy Network - Autistic-led advocacy and resources
• [ADDA](https://ADD.org) (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) - Adult ADHD Support
• AANE (Autism & Asperger’s Network) - Autism resources and Support
• Understood - Learning differences and Neurodiversity resources