Divergent Tabletop Wiki

So Im Autistic

18 min readEdit

So, I’m Autistic: a Comprehensive Guide to Neurodivergent Identity and Living

Understanding Autism: Core Concepts and Identity

Language Preferences and Self-Definition

The choice of language surrounding autism is deeply personal and political. Identity-first language (“autistic person”) is generally preferred by Autistic people and their communities, while person-first language (“person with autism”) was historically used by professionals. Research from 2016 showed Autistic people and families prefer “Autistic person,” though many professionals still use person-first language. Your choice of language matters because words shape how we think about conditions. Using “autism spectrum condition” (ASC) instead of “Autism spectrum disorder” (ASD) removes medical and disease connotations.

Critically, you have the right to define yourself using whichever terms feel right to you, and this choice isn’t fixed and can evolve over time. This linguistic autonomy is a political act affirming autism as integral to identity, not a separate problem. The terms you choose reflect your understanding of yourself and your relationship to the broader autistic community.

What Being Autistic Means: Four Core Dimensions

Autism is a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition, not a disease, disorder, or something you grow out of. What changes throughout life is visibility. Autism is most obvious in childhood and school settings where everyone is the same age and differences stand out. As adults, Autistic people often choose environments that suit them (jobs matching interests, hobbies, social groups), which hides autism in plain sight. Autistic people aren’t less Autistic; they’re in spaces where differences aren’t seen as differences.

An Autistic person has differences in how they perceive and interact with their environment, themselves, and others. These differences fall into four interconnected categories:

Communication Differences

Communication involves differences in how you talk, listen, and interpret meaning. Autistic people often struggle to juggle multiple components of communication simultaneously (tone, facial expression, Body language, word choice). Many Autistic people prefer explicit communication, concrete language without idioms, metaphors, or sarcasm—though some Autistic people are highly sarcastic and witty.

Misunderstandings happen bidirectionally: Autistic people misunderstand non-Autistic communication, and non-Autistic people misunderstand Autistic communication. This phenomenon is better understood through the double empathy problem rather than the outdated “Theory of Mind” deficits model. The double empathy problem describes how Autistic and non-Autistic people think differently and may not share the same perspective, creating mutual misunderstanding rather than a one-directional Autistic deficit.

Examples of ambiguity reveal the problem: “How far away is our next meeting?” could mean distance (where) or time (when). Understanding phrases is difficult because idioms have literal and figurative meanings; Autistic people often think of the literal meaning first and can’t disengage from it (e.g., “elephant in the room” doesn’t mean a literal elephant).

Social Interaction Challenges

Social interaction means understanding and using social rules, which are constructed, culturally variable, and often subtle or contradictory. Autistic people typically learn social rules through trial and error, films, TV, books, and observation rather than intuitively. Many Autistic people create social scripts and rehearse social situations (coffee orders, family gatherings, medical appointments) to navigate them reliably.

In social situations with other Autistic people, interaction is often easier because of shared mutual understanding and less strict, more intuitive social norms. The challenge isn’t inherently with Autistic people but with the expectation that everyone should follow non-Autistic social norms without explicit instruction.

Processing and Executive Function

Processing encompasses executive function, information processing, planning, and perspective-taking differences. Executive dysfunction means Autistic people struggle with planning, setting goals, remembering tasks, organizing time, and managing change. Working memory (the mental system that juggles multiple tasks) operates in “hard mode” for many Autistic people.

Information processing is mixed—Autistic people may process certain types of information well (logical, analytical) but struggle with others. Emotional processing can take days, weeks, months, or years, not the immediate response expected in Neurotypical contexts. Planning for the future is challenging, especially when plans change unexpectedly. Understanding requires building explicit knowledge systems rather than intuitive grasp.

Sensory Experience

Sensory processing means Autistic people often experience the world through heightened or reduced sensitivity across eight senses: sight, sound, taste, touch, smell, vestibular sense (balance/movement awareness), proprioception (knowing where body parts are), and interoception (awareness of internal bodily states).

Autistic sensory experience often feels like every sense is “dialed up” (hypersensitivity/overwhelming) or “muted” (hyposensitivity/seeking stimulation). Autistic people may be sensory-seeking (searching for enjoyable sensory experiences) or sensory-aversive (avoiding overwhelming sensations).

Every Autistic person experiences these four areas differently—there is no “typical” Autistic expression. Autistic people have “spiky profiles” with pronounced strengths in some areas and challenges in others. These aren’t fixed; they shift based on environment, Support, interest level, and whether someone is in crisis.

Essential Autistic Experiences

Stimming: Essential Self-Regulation

Stimming (self-stimulatory behavior) is any form of repetitive movement, sound, or action used for self-regulation. Examples include shoulder shimmying when excited, clapping, rocking, running fingers over textured surfaces, repeating sounds, or rhythmic movement. Stims can be obvious and visible or subtle and covert (e.g., chewing gum for Anxiety, tugging skin, touching preferred fabrics).

Stimming serves critical functions: seeking specific feelings, grounding yourself in present sensations, managing emotions, and releasing built-up energy. It’s entirely for self-regulation and shouldn’t be stopped or reduced; it’s how Autistic people manage situations, ground themselves in feelings, and release built-up energy.

There is no “right” or “wrong” time to stim. Stimming is self-regulation and a sign someone is managing their nervous system well. There’s complete variation in what stimming looks like even though Autistic people share an Autistic perspective.

Meltdowns and Shutdowns: Responses to Overwhelm

Meltdowns

Meltdowns are external, visible responses to overwhelming situations, unexpected changes, or things that feel “not right.” They can be described as “a train going off its tracks”—generally visible in advance but impossible to stop once in motion. Meltdowns involve increased Anxiety and distress, often appearing as aggression or panic attacks, though they’re distinctly different from tantrums.

Physical manifestations include rocking, squeezing nails into hands, crying, or attempting to escape. The crushing internal pressure beforehand is often worse than the meltdown itself. Meltdowns are mainly reactions to the world being too much to manage. They can be reduced (though not eliminated) through: advance notice of changes, low-sensory environments, clear expectations, and adequate Support. When Autistic people are adequately supported, meltdowns are much less likely.

Shutdowns

Shutdowns are internal, less visible responses to high-demand situations (social, cognitive, physical, emotional, or from lack of sleep). Unlike meltdowns, shutdowns feel like being unable to respond. The person may lose verbal communication, eyes widen, and appear scared or skittish—like “a computer trying to turn on but lacking power.”

Support during shutdowns requires removing the person from the overwhelming environment immediately, providing a quiet, less stimulating space, allowing rest and recovery, and avoiding placing additional demands. The only remedy is removing the stressor. Afterward, a debrief may help identify patterns for future prevention.

Special Interests: Joyful Focus and Motivation

Special interests are intense, passionate focuses much stronger than typical hobbies. Autistic people may have one or many, lasting anywhere from days to decades. These interests bring joy, provide soothing during distress, and motivate engagement in activities. They can be broad (science, music, gardening) or highly specific (a particular motorway, watercolor painting, a specific band).

It’s completely normal to change special interests or hold them long-term; you’re never “too old” to enjoy something. When a special interest fades, sadness or grief is valid and normal. Duration doesn’t determine importance—fleeting interests matter as much as lifelong ones. If an interest causes harm, it may be worth reconsidering. Not all Autistic people have special interests; some have many, some have one, some have none.

Routines and Certainty: Managing Anxiety

Routines provide reassurance and predictability in an uncertain world. They can be simple (a route between two places) or complex (entire morning preparation sequences). Routines simplify decision-making and reduce mental energy expenditure by making behaviors more automatic and memorized rather than requiring active planning.

Why they matter for Autistic people: certainty alleviates Anxiety; uncertainty creates it. Providing information about what to expect, visual reminders, “now and next” planning, and social scripts (pre-planned conversation responses, practiced Facial expressions, knowing interaction duration) all build certainty and reduce Anxiety-driven overwhelm.

Masking and Camouflaging: the Hidden Cost

Masking is intentionally mimicking non-Autistic social behaviors to appear non-Autistic or to make socializing seem effortless. This differs from typical social performance; it’s extensive behavioral hiding with significant mental and physical energy cost.

Masking behaviors include:

The cost is severe: Masking becomes so ingrained it’s nearly unconscious. Over years, the mask and authentic self become intertwined until the person loses sense of their true identity. This leads to loss of sense of self, increased Anxiety and crisis of confidence, exhaustion, and increased suicidal ideation. Despite knowing masking is harmful, many continue because it provides social ease and protection in the moment.

Myths and Misconceptions About Autism

Myth: Autism Is Something You Grow Out Of

Autism is lifelong; what changes is visibility. Autism is most obvious in childhood and school settings where everyone is the same age. As adults, Autistic people often choose environments that suit them (jobs matching interests, hobbies, social groups), which hides autism in plain sight. Autistic people aren’t less Autistic; they’re in spaces where differences aren’t seen as differences.

Myth: Autistic People Are White, Middle-Class Boys

This stereotype stems from Leo Kanner’s original 1943 study (8 boys, 3 girls, mostly white, privileged). While historically accurate, this narrow representation created diagnostic bias—those matching this profile got diagnosed more easily, while women, people of color, trans/non-binary people, and those without privilege faced additional barriers.

Myth: Vaccines Cause Autism

This stems from a retracted 1998 Lancet paper by Andrew Wakefield. Correlation does not equal causation—the MMR vaccine timing (around 12 months and 3 years 4 months) coincides with when Autistic behaviors become visible, but this doesn’t mean the vaccine caused autism. Research on over one million children in Australia found no link between vaccines, their ingredients, and autism.

Myth: Autism Results from Bad Parenting

This stems from the “refrigerator mothers” concept from the 1940s, when Leo Kanner theorized that cold, uncaring mothers caused autism through trauma. We now know autism is present from birth (though not always diagnosed until later). Good parenting can be protective and create safety; bad parenting can be traumatic—but neither causes nor prevents autism.

Myth: Autistic People Can’t Have Relationships or Live Independently

This is false. Autistic people have friends, romantic partners, and can live independently—though these things might be harder. Independence doesn’t mean living alone doing everything alone; it means making choices and having agency in your life. Autistic people are simultaneously desexualized by society and hypersexualized through stereotypes.

Myth: Autistic People Can’t Have a Job

Only 29.0% of Autistic adults in the UK are employed (Office for National Statistics, February 2022), highlighting systemic barriers rather than Autistic inability. Many workplaces are not accessible or welcoming to Autistic employees. Employment can be made accessible through reasonable adjustments.

Practical Strategies for Daily Living

Communication Strategies

Since Autistic people struggle to juggle multiple communication components simultaneously, prioritize explicit communication:

  • Ask clarifying questions when ambiguous language is used
  • Provide explicit information rather than relying on inference or subtext
  • Confirm understanding through direct questions
  • Use concrete language over metaphors or idioms
  • Accept that Autistic communication styles are valid

Social Scripts and Rehearsal

Many Autistic people create social scripts and rehearse social situations to navigate them reliably. This strategy:

  • Reduces uncertainty Anxiety through advance planning
  • Builds confidence by practicing responses
  • Makes complex social scenarios more manageable
  • Is completely valid and should not be seen as “inauthentic”

Providing Certainty Through Structure

Since certainty alleviates Anxiety while uncertainty creates it, create predictability through:

  • Providing detailed information about what to expect
  • Sharing agendas in advance
  • Using “now and next” planning
  • Sticking to planned timings
  • Giving advance notice of changes
  • Creating visual reminders and written instructions

Healthcare Access Strategies

Prepare comprehensively for healthcare encounters:

  • Tell healthcare professionals you’re Autistic
  • Prepare a note on your phone listing key Support needs and communication requirements
  • Use hospital passports documenting how you like to be cared for and your access needs
  • Wear noise-cancelling headphones or ear defenders if needed
  • Have something to take notes with or record conversations
  • Bring stim toys and supportive person for advocacy

Co-Occurring Conditions and Health

Mental Health Comorbidities

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ocd)

OCD is characterized by intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and compulsive actions performed to prevent perceived bad outcomes. Diagnostic overshadowing—where clinicians attribute distressing experiences to autism rather than OCD—means Diagnosis can be delayed.

Treatment combines Therapy and medication:

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder affects mood and behavior, characterized by cycling between Depression/low mood and mania/high energy. For Autistic people, bipolar disorder can amplify existing sensory sensitivities, cause severe mood swings affecting relationships and employment, create sleep and eating difficulties, increase irritability, and heighten hypersensitivity.

Borderline Personality Disorder (bpd)

Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is characterized by disturbed patterns of thought and behavior with difficulty managing emotions and relationships. Critical issue with the label: Emotions and behaviors categorized as BPD often represent appropriate reactions to difficult/traumatic life experiences, yet are pathologized through the Diagnosis.

Physical Health Comorbidities

Autistic people are more likely to have multiple physical health conditions than non-Autistic people:

Autistic Burnout

What it is: Burnout is exhaustion from too much overwhelm caused by responsibility, sensory overload, emotional imbalance, and social expectations. Autistic people experience burnout more frequently because we have fewer resources to manage these demands.

Symptoms include:

  • Loss or reduction in cognitive/thinking/processing ability
  • Reduced executive function
  • Worsened communication
  • Increased sensitivity to everything (sensory, emotional, change, social demands)
  • More visible Autistic behaviors or “appearing more Autistic”
  • Difficulty with speech/socializing/eye contact/empathy
  • Overwhelming situations escalating quickly
  • Frequent meltdowns/shutdowns
  • Chronic exhaustion unrelieved by rest

Prevention strategies (most effective):

  1. Recognize your burnout signs and stage of development
  2. Prioritize “must-do-or-world-falls-apart” tasks
  3. Schedule white space—time for rest without productivity pressure
  4. Plan recovery time; you need it
  5. Learn to say no and stick to it
  6. Leave situations that overwhelm and exhaust you

Relationships and Community

Friendships and Romantic Relationships

Socializing on your terms: Autistic people aren’t inherently bad at socializing; we simply prefer different approaches. Relationships don’t have to match idealized film versions. You can make friends and be in relationships at your own pace and in your own ways.

Building relationships: School provides extended time together, making friendship formation easier. As adults, fewer shared environments exist; friendships form through workplaces, hobbies, online spaces, and leisure. Being yourself is far better than performing a Neurotypical facade.

Maintaining relationships: There’s no fixed way; some friendships involve daily contact, others catch-up on no set schedule, others meet a couple times yearly. Friendship maintenance involves shared activities, caring about someone’s life, and valuing what they bring to yours.

Home Life and Living Situations

Creating your space: Home should be somewhere you relax and feel safe. Your sensory needs (lighting, sound, temperature, visual organization, clutter) shape how you configure your space. You might prefer overhead bright lights or lamps; minimal or abundant furniture and displays.

Support from housemates: Ask what each person needs rather than assuming. Discuss designated quiet spaces/times, preferred alone-versus-together ratios, shared hobbies, communication styles, and sensory sensitivities before conflicts arise.

Autistic Community and Culture

Creating community: Autistic people come together to form the autistic community—not necessarily physically, but through Discord servers, online friendships, collective advocacy, and mutual Support. Autistic culture encapsulates what defines us collectively, filled with what we create and do.

Importance of community: The autistic community provides shared understanding, mutual admiration, and knowing everything will be okay without hiding who you are. Finding community (online via #ActuallyAutistic, through disability work, through meeting disabled people) offers the first time many feel like someone else—not broken, just unrepresented before.

Finding the Autistic community changed everything for many newly diagnosed Autistic people. For many, initial post-Diagnosis shame and internalized ableism made them mask more and make themselves smaller. Finding the autistic community through volunteering, working with Autistic children and youth, and connecting online proved transformative.

Ableism and Discrimination

Understanding Ableism

Ableism is discrimination against disabled people based on perceived lesser capability or worth. It can be conscious or subconscious, intentional or unintentional. Discrimination occurs when someone is treated badly because of identity aspects, often based on perceived inferiority.

Critically, your feelings about how someone treats you are completely valid regardless of the perpetrator’s intent. What others perceive as harmless jokes can genuinely harm disabled people.

Ableism can be perpetrated by non-disabled people, by disabled people against other disabled people, or as internalized ableism (directed at yourself). Anyone can become actively anti-ableist by learning what hurts others, removing slurs from vocabulary, acting inclusively, and supporting rather than harming.

Forms of Ableism

Exclusionary behaviors include ignoring disabled people’s access needs, presuming incapability and doing things disabled people can do themselves (the “kid gloves” paradox).

Ableist language includes slurs like “idiot,” “retard,” “cripple,” and “crazy,” and phrases like “acting more Autistic for attention.”

Refusing accessibility means refusing to make environments accessible and excluding disabled people from shared spaces.

Autism-specific ableism includes minimizing statements like “You don’t look Autistic,” “You’re only a little bit Autistic,” “Don’t be so Autistic,” or “Are you acting more Autistic for attention?”

Cure mentality manifests in statements like “If you could remove your autism, would you?” These reflect ableist ideology framing autism as something to fix or eradicate.

Education and Employment

Educational Transitions and Support

What is transition? A process of change from one state to another. Moving, changing schools, starting jobs, and volunteering are normal life events, not extraordinary achievements.

University preparation and Support requires strategic planning:

Socializing and friendships at university: Everyone wants or needs someone to talk to about the shared experience of university. Making friends isn’t easy and everyone struggles somewhat. University enables meeting people with shared interests through academics, societies, hobbies, and social events.

Employment Statistics and Pathways

Critical employment statistics: Compared with 81.6% employment rates for non-disabled people, only 29.0% of Autistic people are in any form of employment. Reasons include inaccessible workplaces, discrimination, and exhaustion from masking.

Finding a job: Consider whether you want passion-driven work or a “just a job” approach. Use job boards, social media, or ask contacts about available roles.

Requesting reasonable adjustments (which are your legal right under Equality Acts):

  • Writing down instructions after saying them aloud
  • Giving short, clear instructions rather than multiple simultaneous requests
  • Breaking large tasks into smaller components
  • Maintaining regular task timetables for structure

Key Takeaways

  1. Language and identity are political acts: Choosing identity-first language (“Autistic person”) affirms autism as integral to identity. Your right to define yourself using terms that feel right is non-negotiable.

  2. Autism is a lifelong Neurodevelopmental condition shaped by environment: The real problem is a world not built for Autistic people. When environments are adapted and Support is adequate, many Autistic struggles diminish.

  3. Autistic strengths and challenges coexist and are context-dependent: Autistic people have “spiky profiles” with pronounced strengths in some areas and challenges in others. The goal isn’t to fix Autistic people but to create contexts where their strengths shine.

  4. Stimming and meltdowns/shutdowns are self-regulation, not misbehavior: These are responses to overwhelming situations. Prevention through advance planning, sensory accommodation, and clear communication is more effective than “management” after the fact.

  5. Masking is a protective short-term strategy with severe long-term costs: The consequences are identity fragmentation, Anxiety, and increased suicidal ideation. Early Diagnosis and community Support are crucial for preserving Autistic identity.

  6. Finding Autistic community is transformative: Many Autistic people internalize shame until connecting with other Autistic people who validate their experiences. The experience of “I’m no longer a snowflake once I found myself in a snowstorm” captures community’s power.

  7. Unspoken social rules are arbitrary and exhausting: Rather than endlessly masking to follow inconsistent rules, Autistic people benefit from explicit communication, self-esteem sufficient to choose when to follow rules, and spaces where Autistic social norms are understood.

  8. Common myths about autism are scientifically unfounded: Research overwhelmingly debunks myths about vaccines, bad parenting, lack of empathy, and inability to work/have relationships.

  9. Co-occurring conditions require specific recognition and treatment: Diagnostic overshadowing—where clinicians attribute symptoms to autism rather than recognizing separate conditions—delays appropriate treatment.

  10. Autistic burnout requires prevention-focused intervention: Prevention through recognizing personal signals, prioritizing essentials, scheduling white space, and learning to say no is far more effective than recovery attempts.

  11. Relationships require explicit communication and authenticity: Autistic friendships and partnerships thrive when you’re genuinely yourself, communicate needs clearly, and align with people sharing your values.

  12. Disability rights advocacy is a collective responsibility: Autistic people deserve employment, education, healthcare, relationships, and community without excessive masking or unmet access needs.