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But Everyone Feels This Way How An Autism Diagnosis Saved My Life

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But Everyone Feels This Way: How an Autism Diagnosis Saved My Life - a Comprehensive Guide

Introduction

Paige Layle’s memoir chronicles her journey from undiagnosed Autism through Diagnosis, identity reconstruction, and ultimately toward authentic self-acceptance and contentment. Through deeply personal narrative, she explores what it means to grow up neurodivergent in a Neurotypical world, the Neurological basis of autism, the profound damage of masking, and the path to living authentically. This book is essential reading for newly diagnosed Autistic adults, families navigating neurodivergence, and anyone seeking to understand the gap between Diagnosis and genuine Support.

Understanding Autism: Neurological Reality

Autism as Neurodevelopmental Difference

Autism spectrum disorder is a neurodevelopmental disorder—the brain developed differently from the Neurotypical baseline, not that something is chemically broken or mentally wrong. Clinically, ASD is diagnosed through behavioral observation using DSM-5 criteria: (1) persistent deficits in Social communication and interaction, (2) restrictive/repetitive patterns of behavior/interests, (3) symptoms present from early development, (4) significant functional impairment, and (5) symptoms not better explained by intellectual disability.

However, Diagnosis through behavior alone is fundamentally limited and doesn’t capture the “complex inner world” that Autistic people experience. The Diagnostic criteria itself can be misleading because autism manifests differently across individuals, and many Autistic people—especially girls—develop sophisticated masking behaviors that hide their struggles from observers.

The Neuroscience of Autism

During typical development, the brain undergoes synaptic pruning—unused neural pathways are removed, creating strong “highways” between distant brain regions. Autistic brains undergo less synaptic pruning, resulting in two key Neurological differences:

  1. Long-range underconnectivity—fewer strong connections between distant brain regions, making tasks requiring coordination between multiple brain areas more difficult (Social communication, reading Facial expressions, understanding subtexts, abstract thinking, navigating social hierarchy)

  2. Short-range over-connectivity—more neurons concentrated in localized areas, making single-function tasks exceptionally strong (memorization, pattern recognition, organization, fine detail detection, Sensory sensitivity, and hyperfocus)

This neural architecture explains why Paige could memorize entire books and recall specific moments from years ago with perfect detail, while simultaneously struggling to understand why classmates found it easy to navigate social unpredictability.

Core Experiences of Neurodivergence

Sensory Processing and Regulation

From infancy, Paige experienced intense sensory sensitivities driven by short-range over-connectivity. Specific Sensory experiences included:

  • Sweat on skin feeling unbearably sticky
  • Fluorescent lights, multiple voices, and physical contact creating constant overwhelming Sensory input
  • Loud noises (fireworks, concerts) causing distress or dissociation
  • Certain textures (prickly carpets, clothing tags) being intolerable
  • Water in eyes during showers triggering genuine distress
  • Wet hair touching the neck causing panic

These weren’t preferences—they were genuine Neurological experiences of sensory overload. When she took 30-45 minute showers as a coping mechanism, this was necessary time to manage multiple Sensory transitions.

Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation manifested as racing thoughts, elevated heart rate, hyperventilation, and difficulty regulating the intensity of emotions. By high school, she experienced frequent panic attacks where “my brain ping-ponged thoughts everywhere… My mind got louder, bolder, more intense, more pressurized.” She sometimes fainted during panic attacks due to hyperventilation. She cried almost daily in classes, particularly when frustrated or unable to understand concepts.

When adults told her “everyone feels this way,” she internalized the devastating message that her genuine distress reflected personal weakness, not Neurological difference.

Literal Thinking and Rule-Based Processing

Paige’s brain processes language and concepts in fundamentally literal thinking ways. She struggled significantly with metaphorical, figurative, and abstract language. When assigned to analyze deeper meanings in literature and songs, she took text literally and couldn’t assume authors meant something different from what they wrote.

This extends to social situations—when told something without explicit clarification, she couldn’t infer the implied meaning. With a futon, she didn’t think “kind of like a couch or kind of like a bed” but recognized it as a distinct category: “A futon was a futon and functioned as a futon, which is separate from a bed or a couch.”

Importantly, this isn’t stupidity—it’s a different cognitive style. Paige excels in math because it’s “just a bunch of patterns” with clear logic.

Anxiety Around Transitions and Unpredictability

From childhood, Paige demonstrated extreme difficulty with any deviation from established routine or expectation. Choosing a bus seat on the first day of school triggered significant Anxiety because she lacked complete information to make the “correct” choice.” This trait is related to PDA.

This wasn’t about being inflexible—her brain genuinely struggled to navigate unpredictability. She needed rigid sameness to feel safe:

  • The same seat at the kitchen table
  • Her special chair always in the exact same spot
  • The same bologna sandwich prepared specifically
  • The same juice box flavor daily

She created strict personal rules and felt anxious about unpredictability in others’ behavior. These routines were Anxiety-reducing anchors in a chaotic, unpredictable world.

Hyperfocus and Special Interests

Paige’s ability to absorb and retain information was extraordinary and became her primary source of worth and control. She taught herself to read by memorizing stories read aloud, matching them to text. She had intense, specific special interests (theater, anatomy, dinosaurs, knitting, origami) and could retain minutiae about anything she focused on.

This hyperfocus wasn’t just intelligence—it was how her brain naturally worked. Importantly, this hyperfocus became Paige’s survival strategy: if she knew everything, she could control her environment and be “okay.”

Social Differences and Masking

Understanding Social Dynamics

Throughout her childhood, Paige studied other children “like they were a different species,” trying to figure out what made them seem so naturally prepared and easygoing. She couldn’t intuitively understand social hierarchy, unwritten rules, or why peers seemed content with uncertainty.

She was friendly and tried to connect, but it required constant conscious effort and analysis, not the automatic social intuition Neurotypical peers possessed. Groups of girls picked on her for being “too happy, too smiley, too skippy, too preppy.”

The Development of Masking

This inability to naturally understand social dynamics drove Paige toward masking—observing others’ behaviors and adopting what received positive reactions. By adolescence, she had created what a psychiatrist later identified as a sophisticated “mask,” developed through years of observing and performing.

A close friend described this: “It was like you were a doll. You were smiling and talking on the outside, but when I looked at you, I felt like there was nothing inside… You just seemed very fake. Uncanny valley vibes for real.”

She documented her observations in a mental list called “Acquired Human Knowledge,” adopted being “more extroverted,” maintained eye contact, attempted to share belongings, and avoided talking back to teachers.

Acting As Masking Training

She took acting classes starting at age 6, which became a perfect vehicle for her masking behavior. A psychiatrist later explained: “Acting is like what you do all the time, except someone else helps you decide where to move and when, what to say, how to say it… You know exactly what the next person is going to say.”

The Cost of Undiagnosis

Internalized Shame and Mental Health Crisis

For 15 years before Diagnosis, Paige internalized the message that she was “wrong,” “bad,” “manipulative,” or “broken.” When she cried, adults said “everyone feels this way—stop crying.” When she couldn’t handle school, she was told she wouldn’t survive high school or the real world.

This undiagnosed period caused profound psychological harm. She developed beliefs that she was inherently flawed, that her needs were burdensome, and that she had to know everything to have any worth. By adolescence, this manifested as severe anxiety disorder, depression, and persistent suicidal ideation.

She repeatedly thought: “I don’t know how to live. This is too hard. I want to die. I want everything to stop.” She wrote a suicide letter at age 8 and continued suicidal thinking throughout high school until psychiatric hospitalization.

Why Autism in Girls Goes Undiagnosed

Paige was smart and academically advanced, which masked her autism; she had one friend she clung to rather than no friends; she was quiet and compliant rather than disruptive. She didn’t fit the stereotypical male autism profile, so despite showing clear traits from childhood, Diagnosis didn’t occur until age 15.

Girls, in particular, often show different traits than boys—they may mask better, have different special interests, and present differently socially.

The Masking Trauma

Neurological and Psychological Cost

Masking—performing a false self to survive in a Neurotypical world—is exhausting and comes at profound cost. Paige learned to hide stimming (repetitive self-soothing behaviors), meltdowns, and Sensory distress by performing in private. She dissociated when touching certain textures, kept lights too bright internally, or heard electrical sounds, but pretended she didn’t notice.

This constant performance is cognitively and emotionally draining and prevents genuine self-knowledge and authentic connection.

The Unmasking Crisis

Unmasking after a lifetime of performance proved profoundly destabilizing. Paige couldn’t maintain the mask but had no sense of who she actually was underneath. She spent hours writing sticky notes trying to identify one true thing about herself but immediately doubted each one, unable to distinguish authentic preferences from performances.

The unmasking process caused severe depression, dissociation, and memory loss. She essentially lost years of her adolescence to the psychological trauma of identity reconstruction. She became withdrawn, emotionally numb, and couldn’t remember most of grades 11 and 12 despite photos proving these events occurred.

Healing and Recovery Strategies

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (act)

Traditional talk Therapy failed Paige—she found it exploitative and unhelpful. The breakthrough came through ACT, specifically a hospital-run depression class that fundamentally changed her understanding of emotions.

Cognitive Diffusion: ACT taught Paige to recognize that thoughts aren’t facts or identity. She learned to name harmful intrusive thoughts—calling them “Brenda”—and argue with them: “That’s a thought, Brenda, babe. Have a nap.”

Emotional Acceptance Over Suppression: Instead of fighting emotions, ACT taught Paige to let go of the rope, feel the emotion, and move forward aligned with her values.

Values-Based Living: ACT emphasizes identifying core values and making decisions based on those values rather than seeking external approval. Paige identified her values as truth, authenticity, knowledge, boundaries, and justice.

Mindfulness Practice: Paige learned that meditation has “no right way”—the goal is creating space between thoughts through practice, not achieving perfect mental silence.

Managing Sensory Needs

Rather than trying to change Sensory sensitivities, Paige learned to work with her nervous system by creating structural changes:

  • Placing a laundry hamper in her bedroom so clean clothes naturally accumulate where she’s most likely to see them
  • Using quieter dishes and being intentional about auditory environment
  • Clearing garage space and creating Sensory-friendly physical environments
  • Taking 30-45 minute showers without guilt, recognizing this as necessary Sensory transition time
  • Accepting that 10% effort is better than 0%

Medication As a Tool

After requesting Support for suspected ADHD, Paige was prescribed Vyvanse (30mg daily). The medication quieted her racing thoughts and gave her energy for tasks that previously felt overwhelming. She moved beyond productivity obsession to recognize medication as a tool for functioning rather than a path to perfection.

However, she also experienced severe side effects from Cipralex, which caused visual disturbances where objects morphed and shifted shape, colors pulsed and danced. Combined with dissociation from depression, the medication contributed to lost time and further disconnection from reality.

Boundaries As Relational Foundation

Setting boundaries—rather than damaging relationships—actually brought Paige closer to loved ones. Through joint Therapy with her mother, boundaries created space for authentic connection. She learned to teach others how to treat her and recognize that changing others’ behavior is their responsibility, not hers.

She practiced direct communication: “You’re my mom. Can you please just act like a mom?” This clarity, while initially received as rudeness, eventually led her mother to understand that Paige needed honest, direct responses rather than hints and unspoken expectations.

Identity and Self-Understanding

Identity-First Language

Paige firmly advocates for identity-first language (“I am Autistic” not “I have autism”), arguing that person-first language implies autism is a negative trait to be separated from personhood. Autism is integral to her identity—it shapes how she experiences the world, processes information, and interacts with others.

Using identity-first language is an act of self-respect and resistance to internalized ableism.

Self-Knowledge As Foundation

Paige’s repeated lesson—“know yourself continuously”—underlies every other strategy. Knowing her Sensory needs, her values, her childhood wounds, and her Diagnosis gave her language to advocate for herself and make decisions aligned with wellbeing.

Relationships are mirrors for self-discovery when approached with curiosity rather than judgment. When faced with social media pressure to perform, she returned to the question “What do I value?” and realigned her posting frequency and authenticity accordingly.

Critical Context and Counterintuitive Insights

The Eugenic Origins of Autism Diagnosis

What many people don’t understand about autism Diagnosis is that the Diagnostic framework itself is built on eugenics. Hans Asperger, after whom “Asperger’s syndrome” was named, was affiliated with Nazi organizations and agreed with eugenics ideology. He determined which Autistic children were “viable” and worthy of life, while others were labeled “sociopathic” or “idiotic” and were euthanized.

Paige refuses to use the term “Asperger’s” because “upholding the Asperger’s idea and terminology also upholds the idea it was built upon, which is that your autism is acceptable only if it is invisible.”

The Myth of “high-Functioning”

Because Paige appeared successful academically and socially, adults assumed she didn’t need help. People who only saw her online presence called her “high-functioning,” while people close to her witnessed constant breakdowns, suicidal ideation, and daily struggles.

Paige articulates that she is simultaneously both high- and low-functioning depending on the metric. These categories primarily serve to determine whether an Autistic person can provide “monetary value” and “fit into capitalist society”—not to actually describe Support needs.

Direct Communication Vs. Neurotypical Norms

Paige’s direct communication style was received by her parents as disrespect rather than clarity. Her parents relied on subtext, hints, and unspoken expectations; Paige needed explicit, direct communication. This mismatch creates ongoing relational tension.

What’s not widely understood is that Autistic people’s directness, while sometimes perceived as rude, often reflects commitment to honesty rather than hostility.

”doing Your Best” Vs. Perfection

Central to Paige’s current mindset is that if she acts in accordance with what’s honest and valuable to her, and makes the best choice she can at that moment, she has no reason for regret. She recognizes that most people are trying their hardest and doing what they think is best—everyone simply has different versions of “best.”

Emotional Intensity As Strength

Paige reframes emotional intensity and hypersensitivity as gifts rather than deficits. She describes the neurodivergent capacity for intense feeling as giving life “fire” and the ability to create wonder through intentionality.

Critical Warnings and Important Notes

Mental Health Crisis and Suicidality

Paige experienced severe mental health crisis including multiple suicide letters, persistent suicidal ideation throughout high school, and psychiatric hospitalization. This is a common outcome when autism goes undiagnosed and unaccommodated. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal ideation, please contact emergency services or a crisis line immediately.

Psychiatric Hospitalization Can Be Traumatic

Paige’s hospitalization experience reveals important gaps in psychiatric care. She was placed in a bare white room without sheets, pillows, or blankets. A security guard sat outside her door all night. She was kept awake by hallway lights and nurses’ conversations.

Standard psychiatric hospitalization protocols often traumatize Autistic people because they don’t account for Sensory sensitivities, need for control, and communication differences.

The Gap Between Diagnosis and Support

Receiving an autism Diagnosis provided Paige with a framework for understanding herself but didn’t connect her to meaningful resources or Support. Mental health professionals didn’t know how to help an Autistic person; they offered generic advice that didn’t work.

Risk of Exploitation When Unmasked

Paige entered a relationship with an older man (in his 20s while she was 16) who was jealous, controlling, and physically harmful. She couldn’t leave because she was dissociated, unaware of her own needs, and without self-protective instincts developed through years of masking.

Practical Strategies Summary

For Emotional Regulation

  • Practice cognitive diffusion with intrusive thoughts
  • Use ACT techniques for emotional acceptance
  • Identify and live according to core values
  • Develop mindfulness practices without perfectionism

For Sensory Management

  • Create structural Accommodations in living spaces
  • Accept Sensory needs without guilt
  • Take necessary transition time (like longer showers)
  • Use tools and modifications that reduce Sensory input

For Social Connection

  • Set clear boundaries in relationships
  • Practice direct communication
  • Choose relationships where authenticity is valued
  • Develop Self-advocacy skills

For Identity and Self-Worth

  • Use identity-first language if it resonates
  • Challenge internalized ableism
  • Focus on self-knowledge rather than external validation
  • Recognize that worth isn’t determined by productivity

Resources and Support

Therapeutic Approaches

Educational Accommodations

  • IEP for academic Support
  • Sensory-friendly environments
  • Clear, direct communication from teachers
  • Predictable routines and transition warnings

Community and Advocacy