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Different Not Less A Neurodivergents Guide To Embracing Your True Self And Finding Your Happily Ever After

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Different, Not Less: a Neurodivergent’s Guide to Embracing Your True Self and Finding Your Happily Ever After

Overview

“Different, Not Less” by Chloé Hayden is a transformative memoir that reclaims Autistic and ADHD identity through the lens of Disney fairytale frameworks. Rather than presenting neurodivergence as deficit, this groundbreaking work reframes difference as natural neurological variation deserving respect and accommodation. The book weaves personal narrative with practical guidance on sensory processing, stimming, meltdowns, shutdowns, burnout, relationships, employment, and identity—offering hope and concrete strategies for Neurodivergent people, parents, educators, and partners.

This knowledge base explores the profound shift from deficit-based thinking to a social model of disability where disabled people aren’t broken versions of able-bodied people needing repair, but individuals navigating systems designed exclusively for neurotypical processing.

Core Philosophy: Neurodiversity As Natural Variation

Neurodiversity represents natural human cognitive variation. Autism and ADHD are Neurological differences to be respected and accommodated, not “cured” or forced into conformity. Society’s expectations are only as firm as we allow them to be. Being different becomes problematic only when systems refuse accommodation and peers enforce conformity through punishment, shame, and isolation.

The fundamental problem with deficit-based thinking is its assumption that Neurodivergent people are broken versions of neurotypical people needing repair. A diversity framework proposes that disability isn’t an individual impairment but an environmental barrier. When systems provide accessibility—materials in multiple formats, sensory tools, flexible learning approaches, explicit communication—Neurodivergent people achieve equality and often excel.

Historical Diagnostic Bias

Historically, diagnostic criteria were built on research predominantly involving males (DSM-III used 39 of 50 male subjects), creating a system that systematically misses autistic girls and women. The author’s childhood displayed classic autism signs: extreme sensory sensitivities, intense special interests (horses, whales), selective mutism, rigid need for routine, and profound social difficulties. Yet clinicians attributed everything to trauma.

Statistics reveal this systemic failure:

  • Boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed with Autism
  • Newer research suggests more Autistic women than men exist
  • The Diagnostic gap reflects system failure, not population reality
  • Girls are socialized to mask symptoms through compliance and reserved behavior

Sensory Processing and Regulation

Understanding Sensory Processing Disorder

Sensory processing disorder affects 5-16% of children and up to 95% of Autistic people. The brain struggles to receive and respond to Sensory information, creating either too-much or too-little processing. The author uses vivid analogies: imagine being at the loudest rock concert possible for three months straight, then expected to write an essay in an unknown language. Or being in an invisible isolation chamber—seeing the world but unable to communicate through glass walls no one else can see.

Personal Sensory struggles documented include:

  • Intense tag and texture sensitivity requiring tag-cut clothing
  • Severe reactions to laundry aisle smells causing nausea
  • Hair-cutting trauma from hair snippets on skin
  • Fluorescent light sensitivity causing seizures and hospital visits
  • Inability to eat varied foods (only white, bland, 2-ingredient meals)
  • Dyspraxia-related motor coordination issues (crashed cars 8 times in first year of driving)

Signs of Sensory Overload

Recognizing sensory overload is crucial for prevention and intervention:

  • Loss of balance/coordination
  • Skin tone changes (paleness, flushing, sweating)
  • Becoming non-verbal
  • Racing heartbeat
  • Hysteria or crying
  • Stomach cramps or nausea
  • Echolalia (word repetition)
  • Excessive stimming
  • Agitation or anger
  • Difficulty focusing

Sensory Coping Strategies

Know your personal warning signs (racing heart? Zone-out? Stimming increase?)

Create game plans before entering stimulating environments:

  • Map exits
  • Identify quiet spaces
  • Plan escape routes

Carry accessibility tools:

Adjust environment:

  • Use soft, warm lighting instead of overhead lights
  • Wear comfortable clothes (tight compression or loose—whatever grounds you)
  • Schedule mandatory breaks

Remember: Listen to your body—you are the expert on yourself.

Stimming: Essential Self-Regulation

Understanding Stimming

Stimming (self-stimulatory behavior—repetitive movements or sounds) is universal. Everyone stims: playing with hair, clicking pens, jiggling legs, humming, tapping pencils, twisting rings. The difference is that autistic stimming (hand-flapping, rocking, jumping, echolalia, spinning) is visible and thus pathologized by neurotypical society.

Teachers, psychologists, and the public often view stimming as “bad behavior to eradicate.” The author was told her stimming meant she was “uncured” and witnessed a woman slap her wrist for fidgeting at age 23. This Stigma causes Neurodivergent people to Mask and suppress stims—with catastrophic consequences: 50% of Autistic children in Therapy to stop stimming develop PTSD symptoms.

Suppressed stims don’t disappear; they transform into self-harm:

  • Digging nails into skin until bleeding
  • Scratching until raw
  • Hitting floors
  • Biting lips
  • Developing neck-jerking tics causing long-term damage

Functions of Stimming

Stimming serves critical regulatory functions:

  • Grounding during overwhelm
  • Self-soothing
  • Processing information
  • Managing Anxiety
  • Regulating the nervous system

The author carries fidget jewelry, safe fabric squares to touch, noise-cancelling headphones, and weighted lap blankets everywhere without shame. Her message: “My job on this Earth is not to be deemed aesthetically acceptable to the rest of the population just to make them comfortable.”

Categories of Stimming by Sensory Input

Visual stims:

Auditory stims:

  • Clicking toys
  • Music
  • Ambient noise
  • Echolalia
  • Singing

Tactile stims:

  • Fidget cubes
  • Bubble wrap
  • Soft toys
  • Water beads
  • Room organizing

Chew stims:

  • Gum
  • “Chewellery”

Vestibular stims:

  • Rocking
  • Flapping
  • Jumping
  • Swings
  • Scooters

Proprioceptive stims:

  • Weighted blankets
  • Compression vests/socks
  • Weighted toys

Meltdowns: Involuntary Neurological Responses

Understanding Meltdowns Vs. Tantrums

Meltdowns are often confused with tantrums. Critical distinction:

  • Tantrums are willful, goal-oriented frustration
  • Meltdowns are involuntary Neurological collapses from overwhelming situations

Meltdowns feel like:

  • A scratched TV disk repeating jump-scares
  • Static noise
  • Being caught in a rip tide
  • A volcanic eruption
  • The climax of a horror movie on repeat

Triggers and Causes

Triggers vary wildly—from major events (death, pandemic) to seemingly minor ones (lost item, changed plans, loud announcement) that to outsiders seem disproportionate. The underlying cause is always the same: a Neurodivergent brain trying to survive in a neurotypical world.

The author experiences intense emotions (happiness, sadness, disappointment) that feel all-consuming. Disappointment especially triggers hours-long meltdowns—a drawing turning out wrong, cancelled plans, missing concert tickets.

The Meltdown Wave

The meltdown builds like a wave:

  1. Starting small beneath the surface
  2. Surging upward invisibly
  3. Crashing violently

During this wave, the brain abandons logic and runs on autopilot. Physical symptoms include:

  • Rushed or jagged breathing
  • Fogginess
  • Chattering teeth
  • Loss of language comprehension
  • Feeling simultaneously too heavy and floating
  • All-consuming pressure

When the wave crashes, built-up energy releases involuntarily:

  • Screaming into kneecaps while curled on hard floors
  • Self-injury (scratching until bleeding, hair pulling)
  • Seemingly irrational responses

After the meltdown subsides, extreme exhaustion follows for days.

Recognizing Impending Meltdowns

  • Increased irritability, stimming, voice changes
  • Loss of communication abilities
  • Anxiety, freezing, difficulty focusing
  • Changes in Body language

Supporting Someone During Meltdowns

  • Distinguish meltdowns from tantrums (not willful; not disciplinary)
  • Be empathetic and understanding—your child is in unimaginable pain
  • Understand they’re lost in the emotional wave; rationality won’t reach them
  • Let them know they’re safe, loved, and near
  • Never punish or shame (leads to isolation, Anxiety, fear)
  • In public meltdowns, focus on your child; ignore bystander stares
  • NEVER film your child during a meltdown for social media

Shutdowns: the Tortoise Response

Understanding Shutdowns

Shutdowns stem from the same causes as meltdowns (Sensory overload, stress, inability to cope) but present differently. If meltdowns are volcanoes erupting, shutdowns are tortoises recoiling into shells or toy cars losing battery power. They’re internal, often unnoticed, more prolonged. A shutdown often follows a meltdown once the nervous system becomes so overwhelmed it must shut down to self-protect.

Signs of Shutdown

  • Zoning out, forgetting simple tasks
  • Withdrawing to quiet, dark spaces; lying flat
  • Complete stillness and silence
  • No communication (including texts)
  • Recovery takes days or weeks

Supporting During Shutdown

  • Learn the individual triggers
  • Remove from the triggering situation into safe, quiet space
  • Keep communication simple: yes/no questions, hand signals, communication cards
  • Eliminate expectations, demands, responsibilities (the brain is literally shutting down)
  • Ask the person beforehand how to best assist them

Burnout: Long-Term Systemic Collapse

Understanding Burnout

Meltdowns and shutdowns are acute events; burnout is chronic and catastrophic. It results from long-term exposure to expectations mismatched to ability without adequate Support, lasting weeks, months, or even years. It causes:

  • Loss of function and skills
  • Chronic exhaustion
  • Reduced Sensory tolerance
  • Potential job loss, school dropout, or life-altering consequences

Types of Burnout

  1. “Social burnout” - Daily exhaustion from surviving in a neurotypical world
  2. “Autistic burnout” - Extended periods when the Masking mask can no longer be worn, leading to loss of:

Suicide Risk and Life Expectancy

The author emphasizes this connection to suicide:

  • Autistic people are over 10 times more likely than non-Autistic people to die by suicide
  • Autistic women are particularly at risk
  • Burnout isn’t inherent to autism; it results from unsupportive social systems forcing Masking and conformity
  • The average Autistic lifespan is 26 years shorter than non-Autistic people
  • In the UK, suicide is the leading cause of early death in Autistic people
  • Autistic people are nine times more likely to die by suicide and 28 times more likely to consider it

Signs of Burnout

  • Constant fatigue, increased irritability or Anxiety
  • Increased or decreased Sensory sensitivity
  • Loss of speech, reduced memory, brain fog
  • Communication difficulties, loss of motivation
  • Multiple meltdowns or shutdowns in short periods
  • Loss of executive functioning
  • Inability to maintain social masks
  • Difficulty with self-care (showering, eating, dressing)
  • Appearing “more Autistic”

Protecting Yourself During Burnout

  • Rest—your body is screaming for it; do nothing if needed
  • Take all recovery time needed (not a robot; don’t owe existence to anyone)
  • Allow yourself to be Autistic—stim freely
  • Keep socializing minimal; say no
  • Rely on your social network (humans need humans)
  • Minimize expectations (finishing day with food, water, teeth-brushing = win)

Avoiding Burnout

  • Schedule breaks and reduce expectations
  • Voice your needs to teachers, bosses, loved ones
  • Learn to unmask and factor in recovery time
  • Recognize your burnout warning signs
  • Prioritize to-do lists (highlight “must-dos”; rest is bonus)
  • Learn to say no
  • Practice both “cutesy” self-care (bubble baths, face masks) and practical self-care (eating, showering)
  • Make recovery time mandatory daily routine

Educational System Failure

Mainstream Schooling Trauma

Hayden’s nine years in mainstream schooling chronicle systematic abuse, neglect, and misunderstanding. Her first week included:

  • Being forced into school while clinging to a metal bar
  • Accidentally blowing out a candle during prayer (blamed for damning the class spiritually)
  • Having her beloved stuffed animal thrown into a forest by peers
  • Being beaten during basketball
  • Having her necklace ripped off

Teachers showed indifference or active cruelty—one hit her with Shakespeare textbooks, another whipped her knuckles for typing slowly, a substitute teacher called her “deaf, retarded or really, really dumb.”

By high school, bullying escalated to:

  • Letters telling her to kill herself
  • Locker break-ins
  • Teeth being cracked when pushed into a pool
  • Constant mockery of appearance and intelligence

She attended over ten different schools in eight years, each promising to be “the right fit.”

Systemic Educational Failure

The core problem: schools are systematically designed around sameness and conformity, not learning diversity. Statistics she cites:

  • 97% of Autistic students face educational difficulties
  • 56% report unfair treatment
  • 44% change schools multiple times
  • 35% don’t continue past Year 10

One Supportive Adult Can Transform Everything

Her one positive teacher, Wendy (Year 4), made transformative difference by:

  • Praising differences daily
  • Teaching in ways Hayden understood
  • Using signals to prevent overwhelm
  • Allowing flexible seating and learning
  • Making exceptions for special interests (horses, the Titanic)
  • Offering quiet classroom time
  • Bringing her Therapy dog

Wendy’s message—“school is only one chapter; you’ll find your people and thrive”—became transformative. This illustrates a critical principle: one supportive adult can transform a Neurodivergent child’s entire trajectory.

Homeschooling Success

After a psychologist told her parents “remove your daughter from school now, or you won’t have a daughter anymore,” Hayden was homeschooled for the final 4.5 years. She thrived:

  • Excelled in English, art, and math
  • Graduated with academic awards
  • Later attended mainstream college

Homeschooling allowed her to:

  • Learn at her pace
  • Learn in her environment
  • Receive parental Support explaining concepts in accessible ways

She made friends organically through:

  • Pony clubs
  • Camera clubs
  • Riding for the Disabled
  • Acting classes

These communities were bonded by shared interests, not proximity.

Friendship and Social Connection

Neurodivergent Social Barriers

Neurodivergent individuals face profound barriers to friendship formation. Ninety-three percent of human communication is non-verbal—conveyed through Eye contact, Body language, tone, and gestures—which Autistic people struggle to process and use. This creates a fundamental mismatch: neurotypical peers build friendships on unspoken social rules that change constantly and situationally, while Neurodivergent individuals need explicit, literal communication.

Statistics reveal the depth of isolation:

  • 43% of Autistic teenagers never interact with peers outside school
  • 54% have never received unplanned communication
  • 50% have never been invited to social activities

Female friendships specifically are built on intense emotional connection and communication skills that Neurodivergent girls often lack, making them particularly vulnerable to exclusion and bullying.

Finding Your People Through Shared Interests

Rather than forcing neurotypical social situations, authentic community emerges through:

  • Shared activities focused on interests rather than socializing (horse-riding, theatre, sports, hobby clubs)
  • Online communities where visual appearance and Eye contact aren’t barriers
  • Interest-based groups (fandoms, gaming, disability-specific communities)
  • Mentorship from people already in these spaces

The author discovered her people through:

  • Horse-riding lessons (bonding over ponies)
  • Community theatre (where lines were predetermined)
  • Surfing at the beach (where companionship didn’t require conversation)
  • Autistic-specific groups
  • Online friendships (initially easier, unexpectedly transformative)

Redefining Friendship: Sidekicks Over Best Friends

The author uses the Disney sidekick model (Timon and Pumbaa for Simba, Aladdin for Genie, Esmeralda for Quasimodo) to illustrate that heroes need Support systems. Sidekicks don’t save heroes; they love them unconditionally through their journey.

She emphasizes that “best friends” aren’t necessary; instead, having good people in various contexts—cowboys at rodeos, concert-line friends with matching tattoos, online communities—creates a rich social life without the pressure of finding one perfect person.

Mental Health Crisis in Neurodivergent Communities

Alarming Statistics

More than 50% of people will experience serious mental illness in their lives; this worsens dramatically for disabled and Neurodivergent populations:

  • 72% of Autistic people experience comorbid mental illness
  • 70% of Autistic people have diagnosable mental health conditions
  • Disabled people are five times more likely to struggle with mental illness
  • Disabled people are five times more likely to die by suicide than able-bodied, neurotypical counterparts
  • Autistic people are more than nine times more likely to die by suicide and 28 times more likely to consider it

In Australia:

  • 49% of Autistic adults struggled finding/accessing clinical mental health Support
  • Over 90% have healthcare access challenges
  • 33% are completely unable to access mental health Support

Foundational Beliefs and Internalized Ableism

Growing up constantly told you’re “wrong,” “broken,” “weird,” and unfit for social inclusion creates foundational belief that existence itself is problematic. Neurodivergent individuals then develop:

This results partly from societal rejection and partly from genuine neurobiological vulnerability.

Systemic Barriers to Mental Health Care

  • Low medical field awareness of autism
  • Communication difficulties (non- or selective mutism)
  • Sensory sensitivities in stressful environments
  • Lack of collaboration between mental health/physical health/disability services and education/employment/justice/housing sectors

Mental health systems fail to accommodate autism, resulting in “less effective treatment outcomes” even when Diagnosis eventually occurs.

Broader Mental Health Crisis Context

  • Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians aged 15-44
  • 54% experiencing poor mental health don’t speak up
  • Over 10% with chronic mental health conditions die by suicide within ten years
  • Chronic physical conditions increase suicide attempt odds by 363%
  • Indigenous Australian suicide rates nearly double non-indigenous rates
  • LGBTQIA+ folk are five times more likely to die by suicide

Society practices performative mental health awareness through hashtags while turning blind eyes to actual struggling people.

Trauma, Ptsd, and Recovery

Childhood Sexual Assault

At age seven, the author became a survivor of sexual assault by a known person. Eighty percent of intellectually disabled women and disabled people in general (seven times more likely than able-bodied people) experience sexual abuse, with Autistic girls at particularly high risk.

Like many child victims, she couldn’t speak up due to:

  • Inability to recognize severity
  • Thinking it was her fault
  • Believing compliance was necessary

Ptsd and Diagnostic Delay

The resulting PTSD Diagnosis at age seven significantly delayed her autism Diagnosis by six years. PTSD and autism/ADHD share overlapping symptoms:

Clinicians attributed everything to documented trauma rather than investigating Neurodevelopmental differences.

Ongoing Trauma Impact

The author continues weekly Therapy and experiences daily effects:

  • Terror around unfamiliar men
  • Nightmare-free sleep is rare
  • Intimacy remains frightening
  • Unexpected movement triggers fear responses
  • Even films with suggested assault scenes can trigger months-long spirals

Vulnerability Statistics

78% of Autistic women experience sexual assault in their lifetimes. Autistic women face compounded dangers:

  • Societal conditioning teaches all women to be compliant and appear vulnerable
  • Autistic women who mask extensively can take these patterns to extremes
  • Lack of comprehensive sex education
  • Tendency to normalize mistreatment due to childhood bullying

Eating Disorders and Recovery

Disproportionate Rates

At age twelve, the author developed anorexia and bulimia—part of a disproportionately high rate where:

  • At least 25% (possibly 52.5%) of anorexia sufferers are Autistic
  • More severe and longer-lasting presentations than neurotypical cases
  • Girls with ADHD are four times more likely to develop eating disorders
  • Over half of bulimia sufferers have ADHD due to inability to sense fullness and lack of hunger awareness

Intersecting Factors

Multiple factors drove her disorder:

Sensory issues: 70% of Autistic children have food/eating difficulties due to hypersensitivity to taste and texture, creating rigid, restrictive diets.

Black-and-white thinking: Autistic tendency toward “all good or all bad” extends to food categorization.

Desire to fit in: When unable to achieve social normalcy, controlling her body became a last resort.

Regaining agency: In a confusing, uncontrollable world, food restriction was one area she could control.

Regression: Facing an unsympathetic adult medical system after a severe horse-riding accident, she believed staying small and childlike would preserve parental Support.

Obsessive tendencies: Small changes spiraled into consuming rituals around food, exercise, and body size.

Society’s Complicity

Anorexia is the most fatal mental health disorder:

  • 10% die within ten years
  • 20% within twenty
  • Only 30% fully recover

Society’s obsession with thinness—promoted through magazines, celebrities, and social media—made her dying body seem acceptable as long as she was thin.

Recovery Journey

At twenty-one, after days without solid food, her mother insisted on clinic admission. The author is now further into recovery than ever, choosing it daily:

  • Eating three meals plus snacks without guilt
  • Enjoying cake and takeaway
  • Refusing to label foods as “good” or “bad”
  • Rejecting diet culture’s profit from her self-doubt

Chronic Illness and Medical Gaslighting

Pots Diagnosis

At twenty-three, after a decade of eating disorder symptoms, the author was diagnosed with POTS—a chronic autonomic nervous system disorder preventing sufficient blood reaching the brain. She experiences:

  • Constant tachycardia (abnormally high heart rate)
  • Chronic fatigue
  • Low blood pressure
  • Migraines
  • Heart palpitations
  • Brain fog
  • Fainting
  • Nausea
  • Blurred vision

Her heart beats three times more per day than healthy hearts, making standing equivalent to constantly running on the spot.

Medical Gaslighting

Despite symptoms since childhood and multiple medical assessments, she fell into the 85% of POTS patients initially misdiagnosed with poor mental health and told “it’s all in your head.”

Twenty-five percent of POTS patients become unable to work or attend school, sometimes becoming wheelchair-bound or bedbound. For years, she used this misdiagnosis as an example of Anxiety severity in public sharing: “My Anxiety was so bad I thought I had a heart condition!”

Systemic Medical Failure

Neurodivergence, poor mental health, and chronic illness are deeply interconnected and misunderstood, revealing how medical systems fail disabled populations. This exemplifies systemic medical gaslighting of disabled people.

Adhd in Women and Girls

Internalized Presentation

ADHD in women often presents as internalized inattentiveness rather than the externalizable hyperactivity and impulsivity stereotypically associated with boys. Girls with ADHD compensate through hyper-focus on preferred activities (sport, music, TV series), focusing so intensely that people dismiss ADHD (“She can’t have ADHD—she pays attention when she wants to”).

Specific Adhd Traits in Women

Hyper-focus: Contrary to the “unfocused” stereotype, people with ADHD experience intense focus periods where minds fixate on single tasks for extended periods, making it difficult to switch focus, lose track of time, skip basic self-care, and miss important information.

Time-management issues: ADHD individuals experience time differently—unable to anticipate future rewards/consequences, prone to extreme procrastination, struggling to establish importance hierarchies, and unable to coordinate daily routines.

Rejection dysphoria: Up to 99% of people with ADHD experience heightened rejection sensitivity. One in three report it as the most difficult aspect of having ADHD. Perceived or actual criticism can become so intense it overtakes entire being.

Sleep problems: Over 67% of ADHD individuals struggle with sleep due to impaired brain alertness/regulation, inability to maintain schedules, or comorbid conditions.

Intense emotions: Working memory impairments cause momentary emotions to flood the brain intensely.

Low tolerance for boredom: ADHD individuals intensely crave constant stimuli—boredom becomes physically and emotionally distressing.

Impulsive shopping: Beyond typical impulsivity, shopping provides quick dopamine hits.

Poor Working memory: Short-term/Working memory is often inadequate despite strong long-term memory.

Object permanence issues: Brains require focus to remember tasks and objects; with excessive stimuli, brains temporarily erase items from existence.

Bursts of motivation based on interest: ADHD individuals aren’t unmotivated—they’re selectively motivated by engaging tasks.

Co-Occurring Conditions

Girls with ADHD are three times more likely than neurotypical girls to develop:

Identity and Self-Acceptance

Discovering Special Interests (“eye Sparkles”)

Special interests, termed “eye sparkles,” are vital to Neurodivergent people’s growth and thriving—not quirky obsessions or negative avoidance behaviors. Previously, experts believed special interests were Anxiety-management activities; Autistic people with them were labeled “inflexible,” “rigid,” “stubborn.”

Research now confirms Autistic people’s decades-long claim: special interests drastically improve lives. They:

  • Open career paths
  • Lead to friendships
  • Reduce stress through dopamine release
  • Build life skills

The author’s eye sparkles included animals (corrected a Titanic exhibit’s errors at age 9), horses (became Australia’s youngest RDA instructor at 16), and performing (gained lead role in Netflix’s Heartbreak High at 23, becoming Australia’s first Autistic actress in television).

Finding Your Eye Sparkles

  • Ask people around you what you seem most excited about
  • Try things out through clubs and tutorials
  • Go easy on yourself—there’s no timeline

Cringe Culture and Neurodivergent Harm

Cringe culture harms Neurodivergent people: cyberbullying of socially “unacceptable” people is rooted in ableism and directly harms Autistic people and nonconformists. Neurodivergent people find sanctuary in “uncool” fandoms and online groups where “everyone else is a weirdo.”

When neurotypical people co-opt these spaces, Neurodivergent people become bullying targets again. Fidget spinners and weighted blankets (created for Neurodivergent people) were later deemed “cool,” then became “uncool” again, re-stigmatizing their users.

Unlearning Internalized Ableism

Years of hiding to survive society’s rejection lead to identity loss (“becoming a shell”). Discovering sanctuaries where stimming, special interests, and authenticity are celebrated—disability centers, Support groups, online communities, safe relationships—enables reclaiming authentic identity.

Accepting yourself requires rejecting societal narratives of deficit and surrounding yourself with people affirming your value.

Relationships and Communication

Green and Red Flags in Relationships

Red flags include:

  • Partner with a “hero mentality” about dating someone disabled
  • Impatience and discouraging disclosure of disability
  • Belittling experiences, stigmatizing or fetishizing disability
  • Poor listening and victimizing themselves (“it’s hard for me”)
  • Gaslighting (“it’s not that bad”)
  • Excluding partner from social circles
  • Refusing to acknowledge disability and using disability as an excuse for poor behavior

Green flags include:

  • Doing research to understand partner’s position
  • Not making them feel like a burden, showing compassion
  • Encouraging special interests and stimming
  • Open communication and willingness to learn and change
  • Equality without hierarchy and understanding of needs

Accommodations in Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships require proactive accommodation without burden on the disabled partner. The author’s partner demonstrates accessibility:

  • Gives notice before using loud appliances and provides noise-cancelling headphones
  • Monitors her wellbeing at social events and is comfortable leaving temporarily when she becomes overwhelmed
  • Helps manage her workload by creating calendars with attainable goals
  • Recognizes “the ghost of Chloé”—moments when she appears expressionless and masked

Rather than pathologizing these moments, he provides comfort through quiet hugs, weighted blankets, comfort films, walks, swimming, and alone time.

Neurotype Communication Differences

Communication differences aren’t flaws—they require conscious translation. The author’s breakthrough came not from changing herself but from understanding that her partner’s flirtation was his love language, not literal requests.

Neurotype differences require explicit negotiation: what seems obvious to neurotypical people may be invisible to Autistic people and vice versa.

Supporting Neurodivergent Friends and Loved Ones

For Allies and Supporters

  1. Understand neurodiversity: Research genuinely, but primarily ask individuals “How can I best Support you?”—six words making world of difference
  2. Make and include them in plans: Invitations matter even if declined; gives agency rather than assumption they don’t want inclusion
  3. Communicate clearly: Use literal language (avoid metaphors), speak clearly, allow processing time; communicate your own feelings honestly—Neurodivergent people don’t pick up on hints, invisible cues, or radio silence
  4. Respect Sensory/social differences: Understand that declining hugs, skipping concerts, or needing silent days reflects processing style, not friendship value
  5. Don’t treat as project: Neurodivergent friends aren’t charity cases or community-service opportunities; treat as equals
  6. Treat the same as other friends: Yes, be understanding and lenient, but do this for all friends; fundamentally, all friendship should be mutually beneficial, built on kindness and respect

Down Day Checklist: Mental Health Care During Overwhelm

When experiencing Sensory overload or mental health struggles:

  1. Comfort first: Wear favorite comfortable clothes prioritizing comfort over fashion
  2. Adjust environment: Use low warm lighting, noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs, gentle music
  3. Rest: Take baths, make blanket nests, watch favorite childhood films, practice guided meditation and breathing—rest is non-negotiable
  4. Create: Paint nails, create art without pressure for quality, journal feelings, engage in mindful coloring
  5. Stim: Stimming is good, wakes the nervous system, releases beta-endorphins and happiness chemicals
  6. Go outside: Avoid full hibernation; walk a dog, practice simple yoga, sit outside
  7. Declutter: Organize space to reduce overwhelm
  8. Fuel: Eat pre-made foods, drink water, have tea—food is physical and emotional fuel
  9. Cuddle: Wrap in weighted blankets or pet animals to release dopamine and serotonin

Gender-Specific Considerations

Menstruation and Autism

Autistic people menstruating experience higher rates of:

  • Irregular cycles
  • Unusually painful periods
  • Excessive bleeding
  • PCOS (2.5x more frequent)
  • Early puberty (7x more frequent)
  • Hormone-based acne (4x more frequent)

Sensory issues heighten during menstruation, creating Sensory overload.

Management strategies:

  • Track cycles via apps noting start/end dates
  • Choose comfortable products (period underwear, pads, tampons, menstrual cups, discs)
  • Prioritize self-care through alarms/reminders
  • Be gentle—rest is valid and necessary
  • Recognize that AFAB bodies work on 28-day cycles requiring rest days; AMAB bodies run 24-hour cycles

Female Presentation and Masking

Girls are socialized from birth to be quiet, compliant, reserved, and “picture-perfect”—qualities that mask Autistic traits. Girls with autism often have:

  • Advanced vocabulary (contradicting speech delay stereotypes)
  • Imaginative play (contradicting “lining things up” stereotypes)
  • Intense but “acceptable” interests (animals, arts, media—not trains, math, science)
  • Less likely to be overtly hyperactive
  • More likely to appear anxious or withdrawn

Work and Economic Considerations

Employment Statistics

  • 31.6% of Autistic people are unemployed
  • 54% have never held paying jobs
  • Those who thrive often build careers around special interests

Entrepreneurship Vs. Traditional Employment

The author succeeded as an entrepreneur but faced discrimination as an employee—revealing that capability fluctuates with environmental fit, not fixed ability.

Accommodations in Workplace

  • Flexible scheduling
  • Sensory-friendly environments
  • Clear, explicit communication
  • Understanding of special interests as strengths
  • Accommodation for different processing styles

Community and Advocacy

Finding Sanctuary

The author found sanctuary at:

  • Disability centers
  • Riding for the Disabled Association
  • Online through her blog “Princess Aspien”
  • Communities where all parts of herself were accepted

Disability Advocacy

Key principles:

  • Reject deficit-based thinking
  • Promote accessibility as universal benefit
  • Challenge functioning labels and harmful terminology
  • Center Neurodivergent voices in discussions about neurodivergence
  • Recognize the intersection of disability with other marginalized identities

Rejecting Harmful Frameworks

“Asperger’s syndrome”: Hans Asperger was a Nazi who murdered nearly 800 disabled children. An eight-year study released in 2018 provides indisputable evidence. The term has no correlation to modern autism understanding.

Functioning labels: Created by non-Autistic people, these replicate Nazi logic determining who is “worthy” of Support and survival in capitalist terms. One Autistic person’s “functioning level” fluctuates daily based on environment, mood, and circumstances.

Critical Warnings and Resources

Suicide Prevention Resources

When to seek immediate help:

  • Persistent thoughts of harming yourself or suicide
  • Sudden mood changes or withdrawal from life
  • Increased substance use or self-harm behaviors
  • Feeling hopeless or trapped
  • Recent loss of purpose or special interests

Resources:

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (US); 1-800-273-8255
  • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
  • International Association for Suicide Prevention: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
  • Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14
  • In the UK: Samaritans 116 123

Eating Disorder Support

Sexual Assault Support

  • Contact RAINN (1-800-656-4673) or local Support services
  • Know it wasn’t your fault; your reaction is trauma response, not indicator of responsibility
  • Seek trauma-informed Therapy ideally with providers understanding neurodivergence

Medical Advocacy

  • Seek second opinions if symptoms are dismissed
  • Document your symptoms and timeline
  • Find providers familiar with both chronic illness and neurodivergence
  • Trust your body; if something feels wrong, continue investigating

Key Takeaways for Different Audiences

For Newly Diagnosed Individuals

  • Your entire life makes sense now through this new lens
  • You’re not broken; you’re navigating systems not designed for you
  • Stimming is essential self-regulation, not behavior to eliminate
  • Your “special interests” are strengths and potential career paths
  • Find community where you can be authentic
  • Your mental health struggles likely reflect systemic barriers, not personal failure

For Parents

  • Stop seeking “cures”; focus on accommodation and acceptance
  • Your child’s stimming serves essential regulatory functions
  • One supportive adult can transform your child’s entire trajectory
  • Learn your child’s specific triggers, warning signs, and comfort strategies
  • Your child’s behavior reflects Neurological processing, not willful defiance
  • Mental health crises in Neurodivergent children are statistically likely without appropriate Support

For Partners and Family Members

  • Communication differences require explicit translation, not mind-reading
  • Accommodation isn’t burden; it’s relationship maintenance
  • Your partner’s needs are real and valid even if you don’t understand them
  • Green flags include research, compassion, and willingness to learn
  • Red flags include minimization, resentment, or refusal to accommodate
  • Support during overwhelm requires quiet presence, not “fixing”

For Educators

  • Current educational systems systematically fail Neurodivergent students
  • Sensory tools and flexible learning environments enable access, not coddling
  • One supportive adult can redirect a child’s entire life trajectory
  • Explicit communication benefits all students, not just Neurodivergent ones
  • Special interests represent strengths, not distractions

References and Further Reading

Books and Resources

  • Ken Robinson’s “Do Schools Kill Creativity?” (TED talk)
  • “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium”
  • Disney films (The Lion King, Aladdin, The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Organizations

Online Communities

  • The author’s blog “God Help the Outcasts” (pseudonym “Princess Aspien”)
  • Online Autistic communities and forums
  • Interest-based groups where Neurodivergent people find sanctuary

Final Thoughts

“Different, Not Less” offers a radical reimagining of Neurodivergent identity—from deficit to strength, from problem to natural variation, from isolation to community. The book’s central message is that Neurodivergent people don’t need fixing; society needs fixing.

Through personal narrative and practical guidance, Chloé Hayden demonstrates that embracing Neurodivergent identity—with all its Sensory needs, communication differences, and unique strengths—leads not just to survival, but to thriving. Her journey from bullied child struggling to exist to Netflix actress and disability advocate illustrates what becomes possible when Neurodivergent people find their communities and refuse to conform to systems designed to exclude them.

The ultimate message is one of hope: different, not less, is not just acceptable—it’s powerful.