How to Be Autistic

Understanding Autism as Neurological Difference

Autism fundamentally represents a different Neurological pathway, not an inferior one. Charlotte Amelia Poe describes it as: “a trip from A to B for a Neurotypical is a trip through the entire alphabet for an Autistic person, at random.” The critical misunderstanding in society is treating Autism as something broken that needs fixing, when it’s actually an invisible disability requiring accommodation rather than cure. Autistic people are not the “unfeeling robots” of stereotype; rather, many experience excess empathy and become overwhelmed by others’ emotions, often defaulting to “fix-it mode” when they should be protecting their own emotional energy. The problem isn’t lack of empathy but the difficulty of managing intense emotional input while simultaneously processing sensory processing and social information.

This distinction matters profoundly because it reshapes how we understand Autistic struggles—they’re not failures of caring or capacity, but overflow of feeling combined with processing challenges. Understanding Autism through this lens transforms Support strategies from trying to “fix” Autistic people to creating environments where they can thrive.

Anxiety as Physical Manifestation

For many Autistic people, Anxiety is never psychological worry but a visceral, embodied experience that manifests as chronic vomiting, panic attacks, complete dissociation, and physical paralysis. In the book, Poe describes vomiting daily at school by age seven. By age ten, she carried “The Sick Bowl” to class. In high school, panic attacks caused her legs to become completely paralyzed—she couldn’t move them no matter how hard she tried.

These weren’t attention-seeking behaviors, dramatics, or psychological choices; they were Neurological responses to an environment that felt fundamentally unsafe and Sensorily overwhelming. This distinction is critical because treating physical Anxiety manifestations as behavioral problems or attempting to force compliance during panic episodes causes compounding trauma. The body’s shutdown is a protective mechanism, not defiance. Authority figures who misunderstand this and respond with punishment, threats, or forced compliance are not helping—they’re retraumatizing the person in crisis and teaching them that their body’s warning signals will be overridden by force.

Sensory Sensitivities and Protective Behaviors

Dental Phobia and Oral Sensitivities

Poe’s extreme dental phobia, triggered by wobbly teeth and a traumatic dental experience, led to years of refusing to brush her teeth, resulting in severe tartar buildup requiring extraction of eight baby teeth under anesthesia. Her Sensory sensitivity to teeth remains so severe that discussions of dental procedures trigger panic attacks. This wasn’t pickiness or stubbornness but protective response to sensory trauma.

Restrictive Eating as Sensory Management

Poe couldn’t eat with other students present and refused to eat dinner with her family after experiencing a seizure at the table, developing an extremely restricted diet: Wispa bar and milk for breakfast, specific brand toast for lunch, Quorn lasagne for dinner. These aren’t picky eating but protective responses to Sensory overwhelm and Anxiety. For Autistic people, food restrictions are deeply Sensory—textures matter as much as taste, and consistency and predictability are requirements, not preferences.

New foods introduced gently, on her own terms, in private, with zero pressure occasionally result in expansion, but forcing triggers shutdown and intensifies Anxiety. Her dentist eventually became manageable only when they established specific rules: no pick use, cleaning in five-second intervals, nothing beyond necessary. Respect for Sensory limits rather than insistence that she “just get over it” made progress possible.

Executive Dysfunction Vs. Procrastination

Executive dysfunction is not laziness or procrastination—it’s a Neurological inability to initiate action despite recognizing the necessity. Poe describes it vividly: “I need to do the thing, I need to do the thing, I need to do the thing, your brain will repeat. But not now, but not now, but not now.”

Her brain could recognize tasks needed doing but couldn’t initiate them until an “arbitrary deadline” when her brain suddenly decided action was urgent. The analogy: imagine desperately needing to urinate but your brain physically won’t let you move until the last possible moment—then the body forces movement because it’s unbearable. This left her with a perpetually messy bedroom despite trying, causing parental frustration and self-loathing.

She couldn’t clean incrementally like Neurotypical people; instead, the arbitrary trigger would arrive and result in marathon cleaning sessions with “bin bags flying.” This brain quirk means executive dysfunction requires understanding and accommodation—structured external deadlines, body doubling (someone working alongside you), or breaking tasks into tiny increments—not judgment or punishment.

School As Institutional Trauma

Poe’s educational experience demonstrates how institutions systematically fail undiagnosed Autistic children. Despite being in top academic sets and showing advanced writing ability, she was never assessed for Autism despite seeing psychiatrists and psychologists repeatedly from age eight onward. Instead, professionals cycled through misdiagnoses (Anxiety, Depression from panic attacks) and medicated her without considering Neurodevelopmental evaluation.

She was described in medical records as having “an adolescent crisis” rather than a recognizable Neurodevelopmental condition. Her school attendance dropped as Anxiety increased, triggering legal consequences for her mother rather than triggering proper evaluation or Accommodations. The institution’s response was increased medication (diazepam at eight, Prozac at sixteen) rather than Sensory Accommodations, communication strategies, or understanding.

The Impact of Institutional Failure

She was never offered the simple Accommodations that might have allowed her to thrive—a quiet space during overwhelm, predictable routines, reduced Sensory input, or clear communication from authority figures. She eventually passed English, media studies, and history with A’s but failed most subjects because the two years of peak struggle were consumed with survival rather than learning. Getting a septum piercing to force her expulsion through study leave—intended as self-sabotage—ironically became her salvation, allowing stress-free exam revision and actual learning for the first time in years.

Bullying and Authority Figures’ Cruelty

While peer bullying hurt Poe throughout school—from age six when a peer told her to “buzz off,” through middle school isolation and theft of her prized Shiny Charizard Pokémon card, through relentless mockery and physical assault—the cruelty from authority figures proved more psychologically damaging.

Teacher Abuse and Institutional Gaslighting

Her form teacher became the personification of institutional abuse:

• Forcing her to lie to her mother about being fine during a panic attack (“gagging me from telling my mum how scared I was”)
• Demanding she stand during panic-induced leg paralysis while threatening consequences
• Calling her “a sad little girl with no friends” after panic episodes
• Trying to force her to eat and labeling her “manipulative”
• Repeatedly denying requests to go home despite visible distress
• Making her participate in Sports Day while ill with flu then angrily demanding she return when the receptionist showed compassion
• Forcing her to remain in her final English lesson while suicidal

This teacher held veto power over whether Poe could leave school—a decision Poe’s mother handed over hoping it would help. Instead, it weaponized authority against a child in crisis, making her safety person (her mother) inaccessible through institutional gaslighting. Teachers also joined peer mockery: her form teacher joked about her surname to the class; an assistant wrote in her autograph book that she should “get help with her mental health” in a tone meant to demean.

Supportive Relationships As Survival Mechanisms

Despite institutional failure, Poe survived primarily through relationships and communities where she felt accepted. Her mother fought persistently (“frantic phoning of anyone who could possibly help” despite being extremely unwell herself). Specific teachers mattered enormously:

• Mrs. C. In year four (who encouraged her writing)
• Ms. M. In year six (who praised her work)
• Her English teacher in year ten (who challenged her thinking)
• Mr. H., her history teacher (who “didn’t suffer fools gladly, but had time for those who put the effort in”)

Her childhood best friend sat beside her in high school. Her year seven friend group—a table of six who “found each other” with “that rare sense of belonging, without demand or expectation”—gave her fondest school memory: exchanging Christmas presents before first lesson, a moment of joy the form teacher immediately shut down. These weren’t nice additions to her survival; they were survival mechanisms themselves.

Online Communities and Creative Expression

Poe discovered the internet in year six (dial-up era) and it became her “sanctuary, a home.” She taught herself HTML and CSS, built websites on Geocities and Angelfire, joined Neopets, and found online communities where she could express herself without face-to-face pressure. This wasn’t escapism but necessary refuge from a world that felt fundamentally cruel.

She also discovered rock music (Kurt Cobain, Good Charlotte, Nirvana)—artists who were “angry, hurt and honest”—identifying with their pain. She bonded with a grunge boy in media studies who introduced her to alternative music. These weren’t mere interests but lifelines—ways of finding identity and community outside the institution harming her.

Later, tattoo parlors became her only safe space outside home because artists are non-judgmental and sessions have predictable, bounded time. This pattern reveals an important truth: Autistic people in crisis need access to spaces (physical or digital) where they can exist without judgment and where their neurodivergence isn’t treated as a problem requiring fixing.

Intersectionality in Autism Diagnosis

Autism Diagnosis is systematically biased toward stereotypical presentations (male, white, young, straight, cisgender, “antagonistic, otherwise mentally healthy”). Anyone not fitting this profile gets passed over. Poe’s high intelligence, eloquence when she did speak, and shyness (rather than obvious disruptiveness) made her “invisible” as Autistic.

She wasn’t hyperactive or obviously disabled—she was sick, anxious, and struggling—making teachers believe symptoms were behavioral or attention-seeking rather than Neurodevelopmental. This Diagnostic invisibility meant she missed a decade of potential understanding and Support. The intersectional nature of her identity—female, quiet, academically capable—actively obscured her Autism from professionals trained to recognize more stereotypical presentations.

Agoraphobia and Invisible Disabilities

Poe spent approximately a decade (ages 17-27) largely housebound due to severe agoraphobia and Depression—her “Lost Years.” She left the house only for rare supermarket trips or tattoo appointments, the only place outside home where she felt safe. Depression, she emphasizes, is “profound numbness rather than sadness”: “You don’t care if you live or die. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, it’d be a blessed relief.”

She experienced multiple suicidal crises with specific dates and methods planned. She lost milestones others take for granted: never kissed anyone, never had a relationship, never got drunk, never learned to drive. She watched her siblings graduate and start university while she deteriorated, intensifying her self-loathing.

System Gaps in Mental Health Support

The systemic failure: agoraphobia is invisible and paradoxically prevents people from attending the mental health appointments meant to help them. The NHS suggestion she attend college an hour away via train while severely agoraphobic at age 21 demonstrated complete misunderstanding of her condition. She had no funded Support options and was considered “too old” for free education while living at home in crisis.

Body Modification as Identity and Armor

While Poe’s mother initially worried her piercings were self-harm, they served profoundly different purposes. She discovered BME (Body Modification Ezine), a comprehensive body modification resource, and spent hours exploring galleries of piercings, tattoos, scarification, and suspension.

Extensive Modifications

She got piercings throughout her body above the waist:

• Septum piercing
• Multiple lip piercings (three on bottom, two on top)
• Anti-eyebrow piercing
• Inverse navel piercing
• Notably cheek piercings—she was only the second person her piercer had performed this on, published in an article on bmezine’s front page
• Ears stretched to 33mm (1.5 inches) from age 15 to 27 before choosing earlobe removal rather than reconstruction to prevent re-stretching
• Most unusually, a magnet implant in her finger that allowed her to pick up paperclips and sense magnetic fields until it rejected

Tattoos As Healing and Identity

Tattoos became her “bug that really bit” her—she has extensive coverage across her body from over 100 hours of tattooing work. Her favorites include:

• A small Bucky Bear tattoo below her knee (1.5 inches, honoring Bucky Barnes)
• A stomach mandala stretching from belly button to sternum (her most painful, requiring numbing cream and tap-outs)
• Four face tattoos: fake freckle tattoos in permanent ink, a watercolor moon in a ‘C’ shape around her right eye (also the ASL symbol for moon), two crossed arrows on her left side (from meeting Norman Reedus at Walker Stalker Con 2016), an anchor below her left eye (honoring her nephew as her “anchor” during Depression), and a subtle white scar line through her lip symbolizing invisible battles fought

Tattoo Parlors As Safe Spaces

Tattoo parlors feel like the safest places outside her home because artists are non-judgmental and work is hourly with fixed time slots—providing the predictability and Sensory control she needs. She manages extreme tattoo Anxiety (which never lessens despite years of experience) using coping strategies: familiar music for predictability, numbing cream without shame, and counting down time in five-minute increments.

Body modification serves multiple functions:

• It’s armor and distraction from Autism itself (“It’s a conversation starter…it’s nice to be thought of as ‘the girl with all the tattoos’ before ‘the girl with Autism’”)
• Identity affirmation and control over one’s own body
• Sensory regulation
• Rather than self-harm, her modifications represent reclamation of agency and identity in a world that repeatedly told her she was worthless

Fandom and Creative Communities as Lifelines

Fandom fundamentally saved Poe’s life. She discovered it young searching for Harry Potter content and was immediately captivated by fan fiction—people expanding established stories, adding diversity, exploring taboo subjects (sexuality, gender, mental illness, abuse) safely.

Fan Fiction as Healing

After watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier, she became obsessed with Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes content, eventually writing extensively herself. She applied John Green’s writing advice (“Give yourself permission to suck”) and created multiple works:

• A 50,000-word epic with a 50,000-word sequel (updated daily)
• A 17,000-word story about Bucky as a musician and Steve as his muse

Importantly, she wrote Bucky as Autistic, drawing from her own experience. Fandom allowed her to explore identity, trauma, and marginalized experiences safely. She emphasizes that fan fiction writers aren’t paid but write from genuine passion and love for characters—“If that isn’t what writing should be about, then I don’t know what is.”

Online Dangers and Authenticity

However, she also warns about fandom’s darker aspects: fetishization of gay men, heteronormative role-assignment (“who’s the woman?”), and people using fandom for genuinely disturbing content. She advocates for responsibility in representation because “art in every form is more powerful than we believe and should be wielded with great responsibility.”

She recounts a painful experience with an online friend who, after receiving expensive birthday gifts sent overseas, responded with indifference on camera, then sent anonymous hate messages referencing private conversations and urging suicide. Her takeaway: Autistic people’s brains take promises at face value and weight them more heavily; the internet has genuinely good people but also those who exploit loneliness and turn it into cruelty.

Gender Identity and Sexuality in Autism

Poe is bisexual and non-binary, though she didn’t have language for this until recently. As a child reading the Famous Five books, she fell in love with George and realized gender wasn’t binary—she could “choose” to be a boy like George. She announced at school she’d be a boy when grown up.

Childhood Gender Exploration

By age eight, she stopped wearing dresses and skirts, adopting a gender-neutral aesthetic (fleeces and jeans in the ’90s), not returning to skirts until age 15 when it felt like “playing dress-up.” During adolescence, she wasn’t attracted to boys like her girlfriends were—she liked girl groups (Spice Girls, Steps, S Club 7, Britney) but couldn’t name boy band members. Girls were “awesome.”

Discovering Asexuality and Non-Binary Identity

She was drawn exclusively to male/male pairings in fandom, finding them more relatable than straight or female/female pairings. She discovered she’s asexual—the idea of sex seemed “kinda dumb,” likely to hurt, and definitely not fun. She thought “lie back and think of England” was designed with her in mind. She’s never been kissed at 29, partly due to “a potato for a face” (her self-description) and her decade-long hermit phase.

Around watching Skins, she saw Cassie Ainsworth and realized she didn’t know if she wanted to be her or hold her hand (“both, I think?”)—Cassie remains “the love of my life” and she has genuine mental crises imagining choosing between Cassie and Bucky if both appeared.

The term she eventually found was “asexual”—completely and utterly so, though it invites “nasty comments and intrusive questions.” It doesn’t preclude kissing or cuddling but anything beyond requires deep care and firmly established boundaries. She notes this significantly limits dating pools.

Gender Dysphoria and Acceptance

For gender, she felt neither fully girl nor boy. Being male felt “unrealistic” at 5’2” and petite, though she loved the idea of facial hair while fearing male pattern baldness. She wanted The Sims-style daily gender flexibility. Some days she felt more masculine, others feminine—mostly middle. She experienced “intense bouts of dysphoria and self-hatred,” throwing out gendered clothes then regretting it monthly later.

Her hair cycled between long and short; she struggled with why hair length should be gendered. Her small chest meant she could forgo bras; she owns a cheap binder for when even that’s too much. She found River Island occasionally sells 25-inch men’s jeans that fit far better than women’s. She uses “non-binary” (not fitting male/female binary categories, part of the trans spectrum).

Most people assume she’s cisgender straight, which is “extremely frustrating” because while dresses and makeup are sometimes fun, they feel performative. She emphasizes this discussion matters because Autistic people are often infantilized and desexualized, excluded from conversations about gender and sexuality, which can lead to lifetime torment if options aren’t discussed: “Knowing who you are, discovering who you are, can take a lifetime. If you’re never told about the options, if that sense of wrongness just settles within you, it can lead to a lifetime of torment.”

Conventions as Vital Social Spaces

Conventions became crucial social spaces for Poe where she felt safe and welcomed. Her first was Nor-Con 2015 (in two small rooms) where she cosplayed as America Chavez; only one person recognized her. Walker Stalker Con 2017 proved transformative—she met actor Tom Payne, actor Norman Reedus (who plays Daryl Dixon, her favorite character), and actor Chandler Riggs. She got hugs, autographs, and photos with actors she deeply admired—these weren’t superficial interactions but genuine moments of connection and validation.

She attended Nor-Con 2016 in a larger venue, getting photos on the Iron Throne and admiring costumes for hours. In 2017, she dressed as female Negan with Lucille (the baseball bat). At Walker Stalker Con 2018, she met actress Melissa McBride (Carol) and told her how much her character meant to her; McBride replied “thank you for caring.”

She notes convention staff prioritize accessibility and disability Support beautifully, particularly Walker Stalker Con—this is crucial Support for Neurodivergent people managing Sensory overwhelm and Anxiety in crowds.

Practical Strategies for Managing Autistic Experiences

Managing Sensory Sensitivities

Rather than forcing exposure or ignoring Sensory needs, effective strategies involve establishing clear, bounded Accommodations that respect Sensory limits:

• Dental Accommodations: Specific rules like no pick use, cleaning in five-second intervals, nothing beyond necessary
• Food strategies: Allow new foods to be introduced gently, on Autistic person’s own terms, in private, with zero pressure or judgment
• Coping strategies: Familiar music for predictability, numbing cream without shame, counting down time in five-minute increments

The principle: provide control, predictability, and time, removing shame from accommodation.

Supporting Executive Dysfunction

Executive dysfunction requires external structure because the internal “initiate” button doesn’t work regardless of intention or effort:

• External deadlines: Create artificial urgency points that trigger action
• Body doubling: Have someone work alongside you
• Task breakdown: Break tasks into tiny, specific increments
• Accountability partners: External pressure points for motivation

Unlike procrastination, which can be overcome through willpower, executive dysfunction requires environmental redesign.

Using Creative Expression As Coping

Poe used writing extensively—eventually producing over 100,000 words of fan fiction plus her own creative work. This served multiple functions:

• Allowed exploration of trauma and identity safely
• Proved to herself she had discipline and talent after years of being told she was worthless
• Writing Autistic characters felt like “writing myself” for the first time

Her video submission “How To Be Autistic” (filmed nearly nude with herself as the primary visual, text overlaid throughout) conveyed vulnerability and exposure—putting herself out there authentically.

The practical approach: create anything, anything at all. Art doesn’t require perfection or formal training; it requires only authenticity and honest expression.

Building Safe Communities

Creating sanctuary spaces, whether digital (online fan communities, forums, creative spaces) or physical (tattoo parlors, conventions, art galleries, specific friend groups) became Poe’s survival mechanism. The practical approach involves seeking out communities where you’re not required to mask or perform normalcy—places where difference is accepted or celebrated.

Advocacy and Seeking Diagnosis

While Poe’s Diagnosis came partly by chance (her mother watching a BBC documentary), it also came through her mother’s persistent advocacy. For anyone suspecting Autism, the practical strategies include:

• Request screening (the Autism Quotient test is freely available online)
• Seek out specialized diagnosticians trained in recognizing Autism across gender and age presentations
• Document symptoms and patterns
• Be persistent when initial assessments miss Autism
• Request referrals to adult Autism services, Autism-specialized psychiatrists, or private Assessment if necessary

Critical Insights and Understanding

Autism as Difference, Not Deficiency

The critical misunderstanding in society is treating Autism as something broken that needs fixing, when it’s actually an invisible disability requiring accommodation rather than cure. We are our brains and our brains are Autistic. And it’s time people accept that.

The Power of Autistic Voices

Ninety-nine percent of Autism narratives are told by Neurotypical people—Neurotypical authors, scientists, and media voices. This forces Autistic people to conform to narratives not created by us and shapes public perception negatively. Television programs manipulate footage to portray Autistic people as foolish and inept.

Autistic people are “othered at every turn,” depicted as puzzles to be solved rather than individuals with unique abilities. “Sometimes, we may not be able to find our words, but that doesn’t mean they should be replaced by somebody else’s.”

Recovery As Resistance

“Living a happy life after trauma really is the biggest fuck you that you can give to the person or people who hurt you.” Survival and eventual thriving are forms of defiance against those who tried to break you. This provides powerful motivation for those in crisis.

The Importance of Authenticity

“Art doesn’t have to be perfect; it must be authentic.” Form and technical perfection matter less than honest, genuine expression. This lowers barriers for Autistic people and others struggling with perfectionism or technical skill.

Resources and Support

Crisis Support

If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts:

• Contact emergency services or go to an emergency room
• Call a crisis helpline: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US): 988 or 1-800-273-8255
• International Association for Suicide Prevention: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
• Crisis Text Line (US): Text HOME to 741741

Autism and Neurodiversity Resources

• Autism Self Advocacy Network - Autistic-led organization
• AANE (Autism & Asperger’s Network) - Resources and Support
• Understood - Learning differences resources
• ADDitude Magazine - ADHD resources
• [ADDA](https://ADD.org) (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) - Adult ADHD Support

Body Modification and Creative Communities

• BME (Body Modification Ezine) - Comprehensive body modification resource
• Archive of Our Own (AO3) - Fan fiction hosting platform
• DeviantArt - Creative community and portfolio platform
• Local tattoo parlors and body modification studios