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How To Find A Four Leaf Clover What Autism Can Teach Us About Difference Connection And Belonging

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How to Find a Four-Leaf Clover

What Autism Can Teach Us About Difference, Connection, and Belonging

Author: Jodi Rodgers
Focus: Understanding Autistic experience through stories of connection, Sensory processing, and the search for authentic belonging in a Neurotypical world

Introduction

“How to Find a Four-Leaf Clover” offers a profound reframe of Autistic experience as a natural variation in human perception and connection rather than a disorder requiring correction. Through clinical stories and personal insights, Jodi Rodgers demonstrates that Autistic and Neurodivergent ways of thinking, sensing, and relating reveal fundamental truths about acceptance, belonging, and what genuine human connection actually requires.

Unlike clinical guides focused on “fixing” Autistic traits, this book explores how Neurodivergent individuals experience the world fundamentally differently—from sensory processing and communication to emotional expression and relationship building. The central message is that understanding and accommodation, not normalization, create genuine belonging.

For readers exploring their own neurodivergence or supporting Autistic individuals, this book provides validation and practical guidance for embracing authentic Neurodivergent ways of being while building connections that honor difference rather than demanding conformity.

Understanding Autistic Experience

The Search for Acceptance

Many Autistic individuals spend their lives searching for acceptance in a world that demands conformity. The four-leaf clover metaphor represents the rare moments of genuine belonging that Autistic people find when others understand and value their unique ways of experiencing the world. The book challenges readers to move beyond tolerance toward genuine appreciation of Neurodivergent perspectives.

Neurodiversity is presented not as a collection of deficits but as alternative ways of processing information, experiencing Sensory input, and forming connections. The author argues that the problem isn’t Autistic people’s differences but society’s refusal to accommodate and value diverse Neurological experiences.

Sensory Processing and the Autistic Experience

The Thalamus and Sensory Filtering

Autistic individuals experience Sensory input fundamentally differently due to how their thalamus filters information. While Neurotypical people automatically filter out background stimuli, many Autistic people cannot easily block out competing Sensory inputs. This isn’t a choice—it’s a Neurological difference in brain processing.

When multiple Sensory inputs overwhelm the brain simultaneously—like a crowded space with noise, smells, lights, and movement—the result is sensory overload, which can feel genuinely torturous. The overwhelmed brain perceives this intense input as pain and triggers panic responses: hyperventilation, trembling, chest pain, and shutdown.

Real-world examples from the book:

  • Dylan collapsed when passing a bathroom door due to a specific exhaust fan pitch most people wouldn’t consciously register
  • Clothing tags can feel like razors on skin
  • Certain smells trigger immediate nausea
  • Flickering fluorescent lights can create overwhelming visual input

Hypersensitivity Vs. Hyposensitivity

Autistic Sensory experiences exist on a spectrum:

  • Hypersensitive: Over-responsive to Sensory input, experiencing normal stimuli as intensely overwhelming
  • Hyposensitive: Under-responsive, potentially not noticing pain, temperature, or physical sensations others find obvious
  • Mixed profiles: Hypersensitive to some inputs while hyposensitive to others

Some Autistic people experience synesthesia, where senses intertwine (seeing words as colors, tasting shapes). Understanding someone’s unique Sensory profile is essential for providing appropriate Support and creating accommodating environments.

Practical Sensory Accommodations

For Autistic individuals experiencing Sensory challenges:

  • Understand specific triggers and comfort needs
  • Create environmental modifications: quieter spaces, reduced lighting, predictable Sensory input
  • Provide tools like headphones, dark glasses, or fidget tools
  • Allow recovery time in calm environments after Sensory challenges
  • Recognize that Sensory differences are valid Neurological realities, not behavioral problems

Routines, Systems, and the Need for Sameness

Neurological Basis for Routine Dependence

Autistic people often rely heavily on routines and established systems for safety, predictability, and nervous system regulation. The brain creates neural pathways through repetition, and once established, these pathways become the brain’s preferred route. For Autistic individuals, the need for sameness is neurologically central—not stubbornness or inflexibility but how their brains achieve calm and safety.

When familiar patterns are disrupted, the nervous system triggers protective mode—a survival mechanism that can manifest as intense meltdowns or shutdown. The book shares the story of Emily’s supermarket meltdown when the store layout changed. This wasn’t behavioral defiance; it was a stress response to cognitive overload and loss of familiar structure.

The Logic Behind Autistic Systems

The book provides numerous examples of complex, logical systems around objects and tasks that might seem arbitrary to Neurotypical observers but serve essential functions:

  • Eric’s precise Weet-Bix breakfast system—exact measurements of honey, milk, and placement in a specific bowl—was engineered to achieve perfect texture while ensuring his antiseizure medication was taken with food
  • Many Autistic people develop intricate systems around daily tasks that provide predictability and control

Rather than eliminating these systems as problems needing correction, understanding the logic behind them reveals their necessity and elegance. When you ask “why” an object or routine matters and truly listen, you honor Autistic people’s problem-solving abilities.

Supporting Autistic Systems

Instead of trying to eliminate or modify Autistic systems:

  • Ask “why” something matters and listen to the explanation
  • Respect the function that systems serve, even if they seem unusual
  • Work with rather than against established routines
  • Provide advance notice when changes are necessary
  • Recognize that systems represent Autistic intelligence and adaptation

Special Interests and Hyper-focus

The Function of Special Interests

Autistic people often develop intense, focused interests that serve multiple psychological functions:

  • Creating structure and certainty in an unpredictable world
  • Providing intrinsic motivation and joy
  • Helping process fear or Anxiety
  • Building expertise and deep knowledge

Unlike Neurotypical children whose interests typically broaden and shift with peer influence, many Autistic people maintain deep, specialized knowledge in their areas of passion throughout their lives. The author worked with clients who could identify any Australian location instantly, name all dog breeds with their histories, or master advanced mathematics.

Hyper-Focus As a Superpower

The hyper-focus capacity that enables deep dives into Special interests can be a tremendous asset:

  • Produces genuine expertise and deep knowledge
  • Enables creative problem-solving and innovation
  • Provides sustained motivation for learning and growth
  • Offers satisfaction and sense of accomplishment
  • Can be channeled into career paths and meaningful work

Integrating Rather Than Suppressing Special Interests

The book emphasizes that schools and institutions often pathologize Special interests, viewing them as obstacles to broader learning. However, integrating Special interests into education and daily life transforms engagement:

  • Sebastian’s intense Spider-Man interest was initially seen as an impediment until teachers built the curriculum around it
  • When Special interests become bridges to learning other subjects, Autistic individuals thrive academically and emotionally
  • Building relationships through Special interests creates genuine connection and communication

Supporting Special Interests

  • Ask about Special interests genuinely and learn about them
  • Allow info-dumping without judgment—it’s sharing authentic self
  • Integrate interests into Therapy, education, and daily activities
  • Connect with others who share similar interests
  • Recognize that interests provide structure, joy, and meaning

Stimming: Self-Stimulatory Behavior and Nervous System Regulation

The Neurological Purpose of Stimming

Stimming—repetitive movements like hand-flapping, finger-flicking, hair-twirling, rocking, teeth-grinding, vocal repetition, or fidgeting—serves critical Neurological functions. It regulates the central nervous system and helps manage overwhelming Sensory information.

For hypersensitive individuals, stimming reduces Sensory overload by focusing the brain on one constant, soothing movement. For hyposensitive individuals, it provides additional Sensory feedback. Stimming can also help manage Anxiety or express emotion—a calming mechanism as essential as a band’s drummer keeping the beat.

Historical Misunderstanding of Stimming

Historically pathologized as problem behavior needing correction, stimming has been suppressed in schools and homes under the assumption that it signals distress. The opposite is true: stimming is settling, calming, and pleasurable.

The book uses the powerful metaphor: “If they don’t keep the beat with their stimming, their Neurological pathways, just like the rest of the band, won’t be able to stay in rhythm.” Suppressing stims actually increases Anxiety and dysregulation.

Types of Stimming

Stimming behaviors include but aren’t limited to:

  • Visual: Hand-flapping, finger-flicking, watching objects spin
  • Auditory: Vocal repetitions, humming, making specific sounds
  • Tactile: Rubbing textures, finger-tapping, hair-twirling
  • Vestibular: Rocking, spinning, swinging
  • Proprioceptive: Joint compression, deep pressure, jumping

Supporting Stimming Needs

  • Allow stimming without judgment or attempts to suppress it
  • Provide acceptable stimming tools and objects
  • Recognize that stimming serves essential regulatory functions
  • Help individuals find appropriate ways to meet stimming needs in different environments
  • Educate others about the purpose and importance of stimming

Emotional Processing and Regulation

The Amygdala-Frontal Lobe Disconnect

Some Neurodivergent people struggle with Emotional regulation due to differences in how their amygdala (the brain’s threat-detection center) communicates with the frontal lobe (responsible for considering consequences and decision-making). When a threat is perceived, the amygdala fires instantly, triggering fight-flight-or-freeze responses.

For some Autistic individuals, “there’s a big brick wall cutting off the Neurological pathway from the amygdala to the frontal lobe,” preventing them from accessing the “Should I do this?” part of their thinking in moments of intense emotion. This can result in rapid emotional outbursts that seem disproportionate to the situation.

The Six-Second Window

The initial emotional surge dissipates after approximately six seconds—the time required for chemicals and hormones to clear from the system. This means:

  • Staying calm, patient, and non-escalatory during dysregulation helps de-escalate situations
  • Adding more input or demands during this window increases overwhelm
  • With practice and tools, people can develop better Emotional regulation by learning to survive those critical six seconds

The book shares how Levi’s table-flipping wasn’t aggression born of malice but an inability to access his decision-making brain in moments of perceived threat.

Building Emotional Regulation Skills

  • Teach the “six-second rule” for managing emotional surges
  • Use visualization techniques (like imagining anger as traffic slowed by stop signs)
  • Practice grounding and breathing exercises
  • Create predictable patterns for emotional processing
  • Provide Support during Emotional dysregulation without judgment or punishment

Interoception and Emotional Literacy

Understanding Interoception Differences

Many Autistic people have difficulty with interoception—the ability to perceive internal body signals and identify what emotions they’re experiencing. While most people learn to recognize emotions by their body sensations (heaviness with sadness, fluttering with anticipation, heat with anger), some Autistic individuals receive scrambled or vague body signals.

Examples from the book include:

  • One person experienced pain as “hunger”
  • Another with panic attacks couldn’t distinguish between physical heat and panic itself
  • Some people have alexithymia—difficulty identifying and expressing emotions

Building Emotional Dictionaries

Building emotional literacy requires explicit teaching. The book suggests creating an “emotional dictionary” by naming specific body sensations:

  • “Sorrow is heavy and hollow”
  • “Joy is a burst of sparkling energy”
  • “Anger is a rising heat with clenched fists”
  • “Anxiety is fluttering wings in the stomach”

Gut feelings—intuitive signals about situations—are also forms of interoception that many Autistic people struggle to recognize until explicitly taught. Once named and validated, these body-based intuitions become accessible resources for decision-making.

Supporting Interoception Development

  • Help identify and name specific body sensations
  • Create emotional dictionaries with concrete language
  • Practice noticing subtle physical changes throughout the day
  • Validate that different people experience emotions differently
  • Use external tools (mood charts, emotion wheels) to Support identification

Grief, Loss, and Emotional Expression

Unique Grief Expressions

Grief presents uniquely for Autistic individuals and is often misinterpreted as behavioral problems rather than genuine emotional processing. Autistic people may not display grief through expected channels but instead show:

  • Increased Sensory sensitivity
  • Heightened Anxiety
  • Behavioral regression like toileting accidents
  • Clinginess or withdrawal
  • Aggressive behavior

The book shares Sean’s story—his toileting accidents communicated the loss of his mother more clearly than words could have. The person who managed all his daily care routines was gone, and his body expressed this loss through behavior.

Delayed Grief Processing

Grief can be delayed weeks or months and then misattributed to a different trigger entirely. The Neurological differences in how Autistic people process emotions mean they may not have vocabulary or frameworks for grief without explicit teaching.

Important considerations:

  • Use clear, direct language about death: say “died” rather than “passed away” or “is in a better place”
  • Euphemisms create dangerous misunderstandings
  • Grief has no time limit, no rules, and no “correct” emotional expression
  • Behavioral changes are valid communications of deep emotion

Supporting Grieving Autistic Individuals

  • Accept unique expressions of loss without judgment
  • Provide explicit language and frameworks for understanding death
  • Recognize that behavioral changes may communicate grief when words don’t
  • Allow extended time for processing without expectations of “moving on”
  • Maintain familiar routines and structures as much as possible

Communication Differences

Facial Expression Misinterpretation

While Autistic people can often read primary Facial expressions (happy, sad, angry) that last up to four seconds, they frequently struggle with micro-expressions—fleeting expressions lasting half a second that reveal true emotions beneath social masks. Neurotypical people unconsciously detect these quick flashes; Autistic people may not, leading to systematic misreading of others’ emotional states.

Context significantly affects expression interpretation: a smile can mean happiness, embarrassment, pain, social discomfort, or social masking depending on the situation.

Examples from the book:

  • Jonathan, a ten-year-old, created a numerical system to decode his parents’ emotions—his father’s angry expression forming an “11” between the eyebrows prompted obedience
  • Isaac’s nervous smirk was repeatedly misread as arrogance, leading to social rejection

Body Language Differences

Many Autistic people don’t use typical Body language gestures—nodding to show engagement, pointing to direct attention, waving with palms forward, using hand gestures while speaking—creating the false impression of disinterest or lack of understanding.

Cultural variations in Body language further complicate communication:

  • Different cultures use different beckoning gestures
  • Pointing is viewed as rude in some contexts
  • Personal space norms vary significantly
  • Eye contact standards differ globally

Eye Contact Challenges

Eye contact carries enormous social weight in Western cultures but is context-dependent globally and neurologically complex. Many Autistic people struggle with eye contact—some find it uncomfortable, “bewildering,” or “grueling” in ways that seem excessive to Neurotypical observers.

The deeper issue: forcing eye contact can actually interfere with Autistic people’s ability to listen and process information, as they cannot simultaneously focus their eyes and process auditory input. These are competing cognitive demands.

Literal Language Processing

Many Autistic people process language literally, taking words at face value rather than understanding figurative meaning. Phrases like “pick your brain,” “the world is your oyster,” “have your ducks in a row,” or “throw it in the trash” create confusion when interpreted literally.

This also affects time perception:

  • When Elliot’s mom said “around one,” she meant approximately 1:00 PM
  • Elliot interpreted it as exactly 1:00 PM—a difference that sparked conflict

Auditory Processing Differences

Processing spoken words takes significant Neurological work. Some Autistic people need substantially more time to process questions and formulate responses—the author describes counting to 30 or 45 in her head while waiting for her own response to emerge.

Key considerations:

  • Forcing rapid responses or repeating questions resets processing and creates Anxiety
  • Pauses and silence are crucial for processing
  • Many Autistic people cannot simultaneously make eye contact and process auditory information
  • Background noise can make understanding speech more difficult

Echolalia and Scripted Speech

Echolalia—echoing or repeating what you hear—is a natural part of speech development and continues throughout life. Many Autistic people learn language through repetition, particularly from movies, TV shows, and songs rather than from real-time conversation.

The advantage of learning from media is consistency—a film is predictable and reliable, unlike human conversation. Many Autistic people communicate primarily through movie quotes and song lyrics, expressing thoughts and feelings through these scripted phrases in ways that are meaningful and effective within their understanding.

Voice Characteristics and Prosody

Voice carries meaning beyond words through prosody—the patterns of pitch, tone, speed, volume, and inflection. Some Autistic people:

  • Speak in monotone, making it difficult for others to detect sarcasm or irony
  • Struggle with regulating volume, speaking too loudly in quiet spaces
  • Lack awareness of which thoughts should remain private versus spoken aloud

These differences don’t reflect lack of emotional experience but Neurological differences in vocal control and regulation.

Masking and Identity

The Cost of Hiding Authentic Self

Masking describes how Autistic people—particularly women and girls—consciously or unconsciously hide aspects of themselves to fit social norms and gain acceptance. This involves:

  • Forcing eye contact despite discomfort
  • Copying Facial expressions and gestures
  • Repressing stimming behaviors
  • Imitating peers’ dress and speech patterns
  • Rehearsing scripted responses
  • Performing neurotypicality in exhausting ways

Masking often begins in childhood when Autistic individuals realize they’re different and fear rejection or punishment.

Late Diagnoses and Identity Confusion

Many Autistic people, especially women, receive late diagnoses (often in their 30s, 40s, or 50s) because they’re so skilled at acting that no one—including themselves—recognized their Autism. The book shares the story of an Autistic woman diagnosed at 38 who had spent her entire life copying different “characters” (punk, grunge, fashion-conscious) depending on context, leaving her uncertain of her true identity after decades of performance.

Autistic Burnout

The author describes masking as requiring “consistent and deliberate effort”—like running a marathon every single day. The toll is severe: masking leads to autistic burnout, characterized by emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion that interferes with cognitive and communication skills.

Warning signs include:

  • “Fine at school, explodes at home” patterns
  • Loss of previously developed skills
  • Complete social withdrawal
  • Depression and Anxiety
  • Going into shutdown

The Problem With Masking

The author emphasizes that while masking may help Autistic people achieve employment, friendships, or relationships, they achieve these “in spite of themselves.” The real problem isn’t Autistic people but society’s unwillingness to accept neurodivergence.

True inclusion means society becoming more accepting of neurodivergence rather than requiring the minority to perform conformity. The question isn’t “How do we make Autistic people more normal?” but “How do we create a society that accepts Neurodivergent ways of being?”

Relationships and Connection

Reciprocity and Healthy Relationships

Reciprocity is the foundation of human connection—the mutual exchange of giving and receiving. However, reciprocity differs across Neurodivergent and Neurotypical people. Many Autistic individuals struggle with:

  • The back-and-forth of conversation
  • Matching emotional exchanges
  • Understanding social turn-taking
  • Recognizing when reciprocity isn’t happening

Importantly, reciprocity is about equity, not equality. Sometimes one person gives more than they receive—eighty-twenty or ninety-nine–one splits. A solid relationship foundation built over time allows people to give more and expect less during hard times.

Communication As Cultural Translation

The author’s experience learning to communicate in Indonesia without knowing the language parallels Autistic experience navigating Neurotypical social expectations. Many Autistic people:

  • Require explicit teaching of social rules and communication norms
  • Need to consciously learn and script social interactions
  • Rely on routines to manage Anxiety about social unpredictability
  • Appreciate direct, honest communication over social masking

Diverse Expressions of Connection

Connection happens through diverse expressions that Neurotypical people often fail to recognize:

  • Opening a fridge door as a bid for connection (Imogen’s story)
  • Sending multiple texts as reaching out
  • Hand-flapping expressing emotion
  • Sitting silently while someone else speaks as deep listening
  • Info-dumping about Special interests as sharing authentic self

These alternative expressions are valid forms of connection—they’re not inferior to Neurotypical displays, just different.

Building Trust

Trust is built slowly through unwavering consistency over years, not grand gestures. For Neurodivergent individuals:

  • Broken promises can feel like profound betrayal
  • Small, consistent actions eventually signal safety
  • Trust develops “brick by brick by brick” over months or years
  • Some people need distance or written communication to disclose vulnerability

Practical Strategies for Support

Creating Sensory-Friendly Environments

  • Understand individual Sensory profiles and triggers
  • Provide quiet spaces and reduced stimulation
  • Allow use of Sensory tools (headphones, glasses, fidgets)
  • Create predictable routines and structures
  • Allow recovery time after Sensory challenges

Supporting Communication

  • Use direct, literal language rather than metaphors
  • Provide extra processing time without pressure
  • Be precise about time and expectations
  • Accept diverse communication styles
  • Teach rather than assume social knowledge

Building Relationships Through Understanding

  • Learn about Special interests and engage with them genuinely
  • Accept diverse expressions of emotion and connection
  • Provide consistent, reliable Support over time
  • Respect individual needs for space and solitude
  • Practice patience with different processing speeds

Supporting Emotional Regulation

  • Help develop emotional literacy through explicit teaching
  • Teach grounding techniques and coping strategies
  • Accept diverse emotional expressions and timelines
  • Provide space for processing without rushing
  • Recognize behavior as communication

Key Principles for Understanding and Support

Neurological Differences, Not Behavioral Problems

  • Sensory processing differences are Neurological, not choices
  • Emotional dysregulation involves brain connectivity, not character failure
  • Communication differences reflect alternative cognitive approaches
  • Stimming serves essential regulatory functions

Accommodation Over Normalization

  • The goal is understanding and accommodation, not fixing or changing
  • Different doesn’t mean deficient—it means different
  • Authentic connection requires entering Autistic worlds, not pulling them into Neurotypical ones
  • Success should be measured by wellbeing and authenticity, not Neurotypical conformity

Patience and Consistency

  • Building trust takes years of consistent, reliable Support
  • Processing time varies and should be respected
  • Emotional healing and learning have no timeline
  • Small, repeated actions eventually create safety

Individual Understanding Over General Rules

  • Every Autistic person is unique in their needs and experiences
  • Solutions should be individualized rather than one-size-fits-all
  • Ask rather than assume about needs and preferences
  • Honor the expertise each person has about their own experience

Critical Warnings and Considerations

Masking Burnout Can Be Severe

Parents and caregivers should watch for:

  • Patterns of “fine at school, completely withdrawn at home”
  • Loss of previously developed skills and abilities
  • Extreme exhaustion after social or educational demands
  • Increased Anxiety, Depression, or shutdown episodes

These indicate the person needs immediate Support to reduce masking demands, not behavioral interventions.

Forced Eye Contact Harms Communication

The insistence on eye contact, particularly in educational and clinical settings, should be reconsidered. For many Autistic people, forcing eye contact actively interferes with their ability to listen, process, and engage.

Not All Neurodivergence Looks the Same

This book centers Autistic experience but doesn’t comprehensively address:

Readers should avoid assuming all Autistic people share the exact experiences described.

Avoid Self-Diagnosis Based on Book Content

While the book offers valuable insights, it should not be used for self-Diagnosis. Anyone seeking formal Assessment should work with qualified professionals trained in Neurodivergent evaluation.

Resources and Further Support

The book suggests connecting with:

  • Autistic-led organizations for community and advocacy
  • Sensory integration specialists for processing Support
  • Neurodivergent-affirming therapists who understand masking and identity
  • Autistic adults for mentorship and community connection
  • Special interest communities for genuine connection and belonging