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Declarative Language Handbook Using A Thoughtful Language Style To Help Kids With Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent Connected And Understood

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Declarative Language Handbook: a Comprehensive Guide to Supporting Neurodivergent Children Through Thoughtful Communication

Overview of Declarative Language Approach

Declarative language represents a fundamental shift in how adults communicate with children who experience social learning challenges. Rather than using commands and questions that place demands on children, this approach uses observational statements, shared experiences, and invitations to think. The goal is creating psychological safety that allows children to develop genuine competence rather than temporary compliance.

This approach is particularly valuable for autistic children, those with ADHD, dyspraxia, and other neurodevelopmental conditions that affect how children process social information and respond to communicative demands.

Understanding Imperative Vs Declarative Communication

The Science Behind Demand-Based Communication

Imperative language activates the nervous system’s threat response in many neurodivergent children. When children hear commands like “Look at me” or questions like “What should you be doing?”, their brains may interpret these as threats rather than helpful guidance. This triggers freeze responses that:

The Safety-Based Communication Alternative

Declarative language creates a welcoming communicative landscape where children feel safe enough to:

Key distinction: Questions place processing demands on children, while declarative statements invite curiosity and independent thinking.

Core Communication Strategies for Neurodivergent Support

Visual Referencing: Beyond Eye Contact

The real goal isn’t teaching eye contact as a discrete skill, but developing dynamic observation abilities. Visual referencing involves:

  1. Knowing what to observe in various situations
  2. Feeling comfortable observing more frequently
  3. Deriving accurate meaning from visual information

Declarative statements naturally guide this process:

  • “Your body is on top of the pieces” → Child notices spatial positioning
  • “I wonder what the other kids are doing” → Invites peer observation without pressure
  • “You’re stepping on your shirt” → Child observes and self-corrects

Building Episodic Memory for Problem-Solving

Episodic memory—recalling past experiences to solve current problems—is foundational for independence. Children with weak episodic memory often feel every situation is new and frightening.

Strengthening episodic memory through guiding statements:

  • “I remember last time you forgot your homework, we emailed your teacher”
  • “This reminds me of a game you already know”
  • “I’m thinking about when you practiced with Dad and felt more confident”

Flexible Thinking: Appreciating Different Perspectives

Many neurodivergent children experience distress when others think differently. The solution isn’t forcing acceptance but creating safe spaces where diverse opinions are normal and interesting.

The Opinion Grid Activity:

  1. Create a table with names and stimuli (scents, music, foods)
  2. Document each person’s reactions without judgment
  3. Celebrate both matches and differences
  4. Return regularly to build understanding of diverse thinking

Mistake Tolerance: Building Resilience Through Error Experience

Children who avoid mistakes develop perfectionism and narrow comfort zones. Competence comes from experiencing, discovering, and fixing mistakes independently.

Errorless Learning Problems:

  • Teaches that mistakes aren’t acceptable
  • Creates dependency on adult validation
  • Prevents development of self-monitoring skills

Mistake-Handling Protocol:

  1. Don’t immediately correct—allow discovery
  2. Make observational comments: “I think that word has an ‘e’ in it”
  3. Wait silently for the child to notice and fix
  4. Celebrate the learning: “You noticed that yourself!”

Six-Technique Framework for Effective Declarative Statements

1. Simple Observations

“I see trash on the floor” “Those flowers are pretty” “Your block tower is getting tall”

2. Cognitive Verbs

Transform questions using thinking words:

  • “What do you need?” → “I wonder if you know what you need”
  • “Did you remember?” → “I’m wondering if you forgot”
  • “What should we do?” → “I’m thinking we should…“

3. Uncertainty Words

Maybe, might, possibly, perhaps, sometimes, could “We might go to the store later” “Perhaps we could try a different way”

4. Modeling Uncertainty

“I’m not sure about that. What a great thought!” “I hadn’t thought of it that way before” “I don’t know the answer to that”

5. Emotion and Sensation Words

“I notice it’s getting cloudy” “I hear your friend saying something” “I see you’re frustrated” “That feels bumpy”

6. Collaborative Pronouns

“Let’s get ready” instead of “You must get ready” “We could go” instead of “You need to go” “I’m going to…” (modeling without demanding)

Essential Foundation: Pacing and Processing Time

The Critical Importance of Wait Time

Children need 20-30+ seconds to:

The Processing Mantra: Speak, wait quietly, ADD more as needed.

Observable Feedback Cues

Wait for:

When Children Say “Huh?”

This signals engagement! The child has recognized a problem and is seeking clarification—exactly what we want.

Troubleshooting Non-Response: Four Possible Reasons

1. Processing Time

Problem: Jumped in too quickly Solution: Give longer wait time (count to 30+) Signs: Subtle head movement, eyes shifting, body readiness

2. Attention

Problem: Child wasn’t attending to you Solution: Get closer, ensure attention first

  • Call name clearly
  • Tap shoulder gently
  • Wait for visual reference before speaking

3. Comprehension

Problem: Doesn’t understand what to do Solution: Break into smaller chunks, ADD gestures

  • Guide step-by-step through unfamiliar situations
  • ADD specific, actionable information
  • Provide reassuring context for anxious children

4. Habit

Problem: Brain still expects old prompts Solution: Be patient and consistent

  • Change takes weeks to months
  • Brain is literally rewiring expectations
  • Celebrate small wins toward independence

Appropriate Uses of Imperative Language

Genuine Emergencies

“Get down,” “Hold my hand,” “Don’t run,” “Stop” When safety is critical, imperatives are necessary and appropriate.

Setting Limits with Information

Declarative: “I don’t want you to run right now because it’s not safe” Imperative: “Don’t run”

Declarative limits provide context and reasoning, helping children understand and often comply without resistance.

Learning Period Self-Compassion

It’s okay to use imperatives while practicing. Make repairs: “I meant to say, ‘I’m wondering if you heard me?’” instead of “What did I say?”

Practical Applications and Real-World Examples

Daily Routines

Instead of: “Get ready for school” Try: “I notice it’s almost time to leave. I’m wondering what you still need to do.”

Problem-Solving

Instead of: “What should you do about that?” Try: “I see you’re thinking about that problem. I remember when you figured out something similar before.”

Social Situations

Instead of: “Look at your friend when they’re talking” Try: “I wonder what your buddy might be thinking about. I see them looking at the blue blocks.”

Academic Work

Instead of: “Check your answer again” Try: “Hmm, I think there might be something to look at again in number three.”

Long-Term Benefits and Research Evidence

Measurable Improvements

The Declarative Language Pilot Project documented:

  • Parents decreased questioning/commanding by 53-65%
  • Increased declarative comments by 46-156%
  • Children’s related, multi-word utterances increased by 66-75%

Developmental Outcomes

Brain Rewiring Process

Children’s brains literally rewire expectations over months to years of consistent declarative communication. This isn’t just behavior change—it’s neural pathway development.

Advanced Strategies for Complex Situations

Alternative Thinking Practice

Model possibility thinking out loud:

  • “Maybe we could walk a different way than usual”
  • “Road work. Looks like we need to take a detour”
  • “Only one blue paper left. We could use white with blue paint, or green instead”

Brainstorming Guidelines

  • Explicitly state: “Every idea is good enough to write down”
  • “You don’t have to use what you’ve written unless you want to”
  • Write down all ideas, even imperfect ones
  • Normalize creative thinking without pressure

Emotional Regulation Support

Use sensation awareness to build interoception:

  • “I notice my shoulders feel tight when I’m worried”
  • “I hear your voice getting louder when you’re excited”
  • “That feels really warm on my skin”

Common Challenges and Solutions

Slow Progress Frustration

Challenge: Feeling like nothing is changing after weeks/months Solution: Trust the neural rewiring process. Change is cumulative and often invisible until it reaches a threshold.

Inconsistency in Application

Challenge: Forgetting to use declarative language in stressful moments Solution: Start with low-stakes situations. Practice one technique at a time until automatic.

Environmental Barriers

Challenge: Other adults (partners, teachers, grandparents) using different approaches Solution: Share information about why declarative language works. Model effectiveness. Accept that you can only control your own communication.

Child Resistance to Change

Challenge: Child prefers familiar commands and questions Solution: This is actually habituation, not true preference. Children often resist change initially but benefit long-term.

Cultural Considerations and Adaptations

Cultural Communication Variations

Some cultures may have different norms around:

Adapt core principles while respecting cultural contexts:

Institutional Settings Limitations

In schools, therapeutic settings, or other institutions:

Strategies:

Integration with Other Approaches

Relationship Development Intervention (rdi) Compatibility

Declarative language aligns well with RDI principles of:

Speech Therapy Integration

Speech-language pathologists can use declarative language to:

Occupational Therapy Support

OT professionals can incorporate declarative language to:

Professional Support Guidelines

When to Seek Additional Help

Declarative language is powerful but not sufficient alone for:

Finding Supportive Professionals

Look for providers who:

Resources and Further Reading

Support Organizations

Conclusion: Transforming Relationships Through Thoughtful Communication

Declarative language isn’t just a technique—it’s a fundamental reorientation from compliance-seeking to competence-building. By shifting from “getting kids to do things” to “giving kids information and support,” adults create environments where neurodivergent children can develop:

The paradigm shift requires patience, consistency, and faith in the process. But the results—children who feel safe enough to think, learn, and connect authentically—are worth every moment of careful, thoughtful communication.

Remember: You’re not just changing how you talk—you’re changing how children experience themselves and their capacity to navigate the world.