The Educator’s Experience of Pathological Demand Avoidance - an Illustrated Guide to Pathological Demand Avoidance and Learning
Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a distinct profile within the Autism spectrum characterized by an Anxiety-driven need to avoid demands and maintain control over one’s environment. Unlike typical Demand avoidance, PDA involves individuals perceiving all demands as threats to autonomy and safety—even desired activities become threatening when framed as demands.
Key Distinguishing Features
PDA differs from other Autism profiles through several core characteristics:
- Anxiety-related need for control over all situations
- Extreme avoidance of everyday demands that extends even to desired activities
- Socially manipulative avoidance strategies to maintain control
- Multiple interconnected features rather than isolated symptoms
- Fundamental resistance to conventional parenting and teaching approaches that work for other Autistic individuals
The scope of educational challenges is significant: a 2018 PDA Society survey found that 70% of young people with PDA were unable to tolerate school or were home educated. However, when supported appropriately, students with PDA often become high achievers in adulthood, thriving in careers like engineering, IT, and healthcare—suggesting the school environment itself creates barriers rather than the individuals lacking capability.
The Pda Vs. Traditional Autism Paradigm
Unlike traditional Autism Support that emphasizes structure and predictability, PDA learners require novelty, flexibility, and spontaneity. The National Curriculum is often too narrow and restrictive for PDA learners who require autonomy and freedom to engage with learning effectively.
The Anxiety-Trust Connection: Foundation of Support
The antidote to Anxiety is trust. This foundational principle underpins all effective Support for PDA learners. The “bucket analogy” illustrates critical differences in how Anxiety accumulates and drains:
- Neurotypical Anxiety bucket: Has holes allowing stress to drain naturally
- PDA Anxiety bucket: Has no holes and starts at a higher baseline level, filling rapidly and overflowing into crisis behaviors
Identifying Anxiety Triggers and Regulators
Bucket Fillers (Increase Anxiety):
- Demands and expectations
- Sensory issues and overload
- Social difficulties and forced interactions
- Rigid structures and timetables
- Unexpected changes and transitions
- Perceived loss of autonomy
Bucket Emptiers (Decrease Anxiety):
- Genuine autonomy and choice
- Calming Sensory activities
- Authentic connection and trust
- Novelty and spontaneous engagement
- Low-demand environments
- Equal relationships and respect
The Critical Autonomy Principle
Taking away autonomy increases Anxiety and decreases demand tolerance, creating a destructive cycle. Conversely, granting genuine autonomy reduces Anxiety and increases capacity for learning. This principle is non-negotiable—individuals with PDA must feel autonomous in all situations for effective engagement to occur.
When Anxiety is low, demand tolerance is high and learning is accessible. When Anxiety is high, demand tolerance drops to nearly zero and the learner cannot engage. The role of educators is fundamentally to build trust and connection first—learning naturally follows.
Hypervigilance and Nonverbal Communication As Silent Triggers
Due to hypervigilance and hypersensitivity, individuals with PDA easily misinterpret emotions and pick up on the slightest emotional cues from adults. Think of them as having “a smoke detector that is far, far too sensitive to the environment.”
The Amplification Effect
The learner’s perception is amplified and exaggerated:
- Your 10% frustration is perceived as 90% anger
- Subtle body tension is detected as significant anger
- Minor schedule changes feel like catastrophic disruptions
This creates a critical challenge: you cannot hide your emotional state. Attempting to mask your emotions or pretend to be fine when you’re not backfires severely. The learner detects the deception, trust is damaged, and they may worry they caused your distress, which increases their Anxiety further.
The Power of Emotional Honesty
Honesty is always the best policy. If you’re anxious, upset, or stressed, acknowledge it directly:
“I’m feeling a bit stressed today. I had a difficult journey to work, so I’m going to take five minutes to breathe.”
This approach demonstrates:
- Your authentic self and vulnerability
- That all emotions are healthy and normal
- Emotional regulation strategies in action
- Removes the learner’s worry that they caused your upset
Body Language and Nonverbal Communication
Your nonverbal communication communicates volumes to hypervigilant PDA learners:
Anxiety-Triggering Signals:
- Eye rolling or tight jaw
- Rushed movements and hurried pace
- Tense shoulders or crossed arms
- Forced smile or facial masking
- Frustrated sighs or heavy breathing
Trust-Building Signals:
- Calm presence and relaxed posture
- Genuine interest and engaged listening
- Unhurried movement and natural pacing
- Authentic Facial expressions
- Open Body language and relaxed tone
Masking and the “coke Bottle Effect”
Children with PDA are highly proficient masking, appearing “fine in school” while internally overcome with Anxiety. They maintain well-behaved, compliant, happy facades to avoid looking different from peers, yet experience excruciatingly uncomfortable Anxiety underneath.
The Coke Bottle Analogy
Imagine a bottle of fizzy drink shaken violently all day; when the lid is finally removed, it explodes spectacularly. To prevent explosion, the bottle must rest and settle completely.
Similarly, PDA learners need time to decompress at home without demands after being “shaken up” all day at school. If parents report their child is struggling significantly while educators see no problems, educators must listen to parents and trust their observations.
Forms of Masking
Masking can present in unexpected ways:
- Appearing arrogant or controlling (“strutting around the playground like they owned it”)
- Singing or humming (Stimming for Sensory regulation)
- Zoning out or appearing distracted
- Hair twiddling or fidgeting
- Over-compliance without genuine engagement
The Home-School Disconnect
The child may be masking so intensely that the cost is paid entirely at home. When educators hear reports of severe difficulties at home that seem inconsistent with school behavior, this is evidence of successful masking—not conflicting reports.
The Power of Choices and Autonomy
Offering carefully constructed choices gives learners essential autonomy and control while gently encouraging learning and engagement.
Converting Demands to Choices
Direct Demands → Choice-Based Language:
- “Sit down” → “Where would you like to sit?”
- “Start your work” → “Would you like to work with me or have a go on your own?”
- “Stop talking” → “I wonder if we can work on this quietly for a few minutes?”
- “Line up now” → “Would you like to stand at the back of the line or near the front?”
- “Turn to page seven” → “Shall I find page seven or can you?”
Critical Guidelines:
- Always offer exactly two choices (avoid overwhelming or false choices)
- Both options must be genuinely acceptable to you
- Accept rejection of both options without frustration
- Never offer choices with predetermined “correct” answers
The “time or Support” Framework
A particularly powerful choice: “Would you like some time to work on this yourself, or would you like me to work on this with you?”
This maintains autonomy while encouraging either:
- Independence and self-directed work
- Collaborative learning and shared exploration
Avoiding Manipulative Choice
Making a choice itself can be perceived as a demand. Only offer genuine, meaningful choices where both options are truly acceptable to you. Never start sessions with “This is what we’re doing today”—this is perceived as an instant demand with no autonomy.
The Marketplace Approach
The ideal learning environment functions like a marketplace:
- Stalls display eclectic, tempting items without pressure
- Learners browse at leisure and try things without committing
- Stall holders are friendly, passionate, and engage without pressure
- Learners can “return” items or change their minds without judgment
Learning Together, Shared Goals, and Wondering
Position yourself as a “learning facilitator” rather than traditional roles like teacher, tutor, or teaching assistant—a positioning that emphasizes equality and reciprocal learning rather than hierarchical instruction.
Shared Goals and Equal Participation
When assigning tasks, either do the same task simultaneously or share it collaboratively. This promotes genuine equality and makes demands seem smaller because they’re shared.
Shared Goals Examples:
- “I bet I can finish this before you!” (genuinely compete)
- Work on the same puzzle or problem together
- Collaborate on creative projects with equal investment
- Explore topics through mutual curiosity and discovery
”wondering” Language
Use genuine wondering to invite exploration:
- “I wonder what that would look like if we did it that way?”
- “I wonder what would happen if we tried this?”
- “I’m curious about how that works—shall we find out together?”
These must be genuine questions where both you and the learner are discovering answers together, not rhetorical devices disguising instructions.
The Harry Thompson Example
Adult PDA advocate Harry Thompson illustrates this power: a teacher who joined students in creative writing tasks and felt genuinely equal to them, investing in shared goals, revamped his entire passion for writing. In contrast, direct task assignment and traditional instruction paralyzed him.
Autodidactic Learning
Children with PDA are often autodidactic (self-teaching) with vast knowledge and capability in areas of genuine interest. Your role is facilitating access to resources, exploring interests together, and removing barriers—not instructing or directing.
Weaving in Interests Without Hijacking Them
Use learner interests to increase “What’s in it for me?” factor, making learning feel intrinsically valuable rather than externally imposed.
The Transient Nature of Pda Interests
PDA interests change rapidly and dramatically. One session a child discusses Star Wars enthusiastically; the next, they’re completely uninterested and want to discuss something entirely different.
Critical warnings about working with interests:
- Don’t invest heavily in customized resources around one specific interest because the focus will likely shift before those resources are used
- Don’t hijack interests by using “their” special interest to force learning—this can poison their relationship to what they love
- Value all interests without judgment—even “inappropriate” topics have intrinsic worth
Respecting Special Interests
When an alternative provision presented all work linked to a student’s deeply loved Anime, she was mortified that “her” special interest was being used to force learning. The tainting of a beloved interest with demands and school work poisoned the relationship to that interest.
Natural Learning Integration
Effective learning often follows unexpected paths:
- Learning about Guy Fawkes through toy re-enactment
- Understanding Persian carpet worms through child-led teaching
- Exploring Henry VIII through a moment of behavioral escalation
Allow genuine curiosity to guide learning rather than adhering rigidly to lesson plans.
External Motivation Example
A 15-year-old had no motivation for GCSEs until staying with a mechanic family friend. Through observing actual mechanic work and learning that mechanics required qualifications for employment, an external “what’s in it for me?” motivation emerged.
Praise, Rewards, and Recognition
Traditional praise and reward systems often fail or backfire with PDA learners because they misunderstand fundamental aspects of how PDA individuals experience recognition and motivation.
Why Praise Is Problematic for Pda Learners
- Perceived as patronizing: The learner sees themselves as your equal; praising them can feel like you’re positioning yourself above them
- Creates expectation Anxiety: Praising work completion can raise Anxiety about having to repeat that demand
- Public attention increases Anxiety: Praising publicly puts them “on the spot” and creates performance Anxiety
One PDA individual responded to praise with “I am not a dog!”—capturing the sense that praise diminishes them rather than celebrates them.
Better Approaches to Recognition
Reflective Praise:
- Comment on what you genuinely like about the work itself
- “I love the colors in this picture—they make me feel happy”
- Focus on specific aspects rather than general ability
Indirect Recognition:
- Let them overhear you genuinely talking about them positively to others
- Use humor-based recognition when connection is strong
- Never praise attendance at school if they find it difficult
Individualized and Meaningful Rewards
Traditional house points, certificates, and public behavior tracking systems cause Anxiety because they create constant performance evaluation and social comparison.
Effective Reward Examples:
- Child uses accumulated minutes for timed laps around the playground (competing against own times)
- Sharing accumulated minutes with friends to take them outside
- Natural consequences: “You’ve worked hard on this task, and now you have time to play on the iPad”
Natural Consequences Over Artificial Systems
Replace “Now/Next Boards” or “When you finish this, then you can do X” (perceived as threats and demands) with naturally occurring positive consequences that emerge from completing tasks.
Reducing Pressure: Picking Your Battles
Continuously ask: “How necessary is it that this demand is complied with?” and “Does this really matter?” Many demands cause unnecessary Anxiety without serving essential purposes.
Questioning Common School Demands
Consider whether these are truly necessary:
- Writing the learning objective themselves (can you scribe?)
- Attending assembly every time
- Getting changed for PE
- Saying “please and thank you” consistently
- Finishing every piece of work
- Homework as a regular expectation
The Homework Case Study
Many children spend more time arguing about homework than it would take to complete it. One child expressed his experience vividly: “Being told to come off my X-Box and do homework is like having an ice-cream taken off me and having broccoli shoved in my mouth!”
Children consistently report that “schoolwork is for school” and refuse to bring academic stress and demands home. Some become so anxious about homework consequences that they cannot return to school the following day.
Low-demand Days During High Anxiety
On days when Anxiety is extremely high and demand tolerance is depleted:
- Focus entirely on maintaining relationships and connection
- This is not failure or regression
- Let the Anxiety bucket rest so Anxiety can evaporate naturally
- Formal academic learning can resume when capacity returns
Flexibility: the Pda Flow State and Navigating Structure Vs. Spontaneity
Harry Thompson describes “The PDA Flow State or Current”: the trajectory through which one navigates toward authentic role or purpose. PDA learners are driven by this internal flow state—when demands take learners out of flow, Anxiety increases dramatically.
Paradox of Structure for Autistic Individuals
Unlike typical Autism which requires structure and predictability, PDA learners require novelty, flexibility, and spontaneity. Rigid routines and timetables can be perceived as “silent” demands pulling learners away from their flow.
However, unexpected changes can still cause Anxiety, particularly if preventing enjoyable activities. Provide advance warning when possible and meaningful choices when changes are inevitable.
Practical Flexibility Examples
When Changes are Inevitable:
- “You could perform in the Christmas production, or help with sound backstage”
- “You could race on Sports Day, or help time the runners”
Session Flexibility:
- Be prepared to abandon plans entirely without guilt
- Accept that finishing is not important
- Keep resources for future use; interests often reignite months later
The Pirate Example: A tutor arrived in full pirate gear after planning pirate-themed learning, only to learn the student wanted nothing to do with pirates that day. Rather than insisting, the tutor stayed in character but followed the student’s lead entirely—the session succeeded through flexibility, not preparation.
Empathy, Validation, and Understanding Behavior
There is no such thing as an “overreaction.” An individual’s reaction directly correlates to how they’re actually feeling; their internal experience is real and deserves respect.
The Iceberg Theory of Behavior
Visible behavior is only 10% of the iceberg; unseen triggers drive the behavior underneath:
Unseen Triggers (90%):
- Anxiety and Sensory overload
- Social communication difficulties
- Hormones, tiredness, hunger
- Transitions and unexpected changes
- Past trauma or negative experiences
- Unmet needs for connection or control
Visible Behavior (10%):
- Refusal, avoidance, or shutdown
- Aggression or lashing out
- Meltdowns or Emotional dysregulation
- “Defiant” or “oppositional” responses
Identifying What Need Behavior Fulfills
Anxiety-related behavior may be seeking trust and reassurance “Attention-seeking” behavior may seek genuine connection and relationship Demand-avoidant behavior may seek control and autonomy Aggressive behavior may seek space and protection
Empathetic Response Strategies
When anyone feels anxious, wronged, distressed, or angry:
- Show genuine empathy: “I understand why you’re so angry. I think I would feel that way too if that happened to me”
- Share similar experiences: “I find fractions really tricky too. I’ve got this method that helps me”
- Demonstrate understanding and create genuine equality
Space During High Anxiety
During high Anxiety, learners need space. This may be communicated through:
- Running away or physically distancing
- Lashing out verbally or physically
- Language like “F**k off! Leave me alone!”
Respect this need and allow time to calm without further demands or conversation.
Natural Consequences Over Punishment
Use natural consequences rather than punitive measures:
- “Mrs Smith is upset because you hit her. She needs time to feel better, so she can’t help with LEGO right now”
- “The other children didn’t want to play because they don’t like being told what to do. I’d like to play with you instead—what shall we do?”
Resources for Support
The Incredible 5-Point Scale by Kari Dunn Burron helps individuals understand their own Anxiety levels and make choices about regulation when Anxiety rises.
Story writing (not formal Social Stories) featuring characters the child loves, weaving in their difficulties and collaboratively finding solutions, supports exploration of challenges in a safe, creative way.
Language Choices and De-Escalation Strategies
Speak to PDA learners as equals, avoiding direct instructions, commands, and demands.
Comprehensive Language Conversions
Direct Demands → Choices:
- “Sit down” → “Where would you like to sit?”
- “Start your work” → “Would you like to work with me or have a go on your own?”
- “Stop talking” → “I wonder if we can work on this quietly?”
- “Line up now” → “Would you like to stand at the back or near the front?”
Subtle Demands → Alternatives:
- “It’s time to start work” → “Which task would you like to start on?”
- “Turn to page seven” → “Shall I find page seven or can you?”
- “We need to go to assembly” → “Would you like to go to assembly or help me in the classroom?”
Think-Aloud Modeling
Think out loud about your own choices rather than directing theirs:
- “It’s looking a bit chilly. I’m going to put my coat on so I don’t waste break time coming inside to get it”
- “I’m finding this tricky, so I’m going to try a different approach”
Externalizing Rules
Depersonalize demands by externalizing rules:
- “I know it’s really annoying that we can’t go outside, but the government/health and safety rules won’t let us”
- “It’s the law, but I know it’s frustrating”
This removes anger from adults and directs frustration toward external sources beyond anyone’s control.
Explaining “why” With Facts
Provide factual reasoning rather than opinion-based explanations:
- “It’s dangerous” → Explain specific dangers and consequences
- “You’re too young” → Connect to developmental readiness or external requirements
A child angry about “Wet Break” was calmed by explaining government health and safety rules forbid outdoor play in rain—the external constraint was legitimate and understandable.
Building Genuine Connections and Equal Relationships
Connections must be genuine and cannot be rushed. Trying to force connection is fundamentally ineffective; instead, let it develop naturally at its own organic pace.
Equality As Foundation
PDA learners do not see age, hierarchy, or authority as Neurotypical children typically do. One secondary student couldn’t understand why teachers got comfortable chairs while students sat on hard plastic ones, why teachers could shout at children but children couldn’t shout back—the inequality was fundamentally wrong and illogical.
Present yourself as an equal, not an authority figure attempting to manage them from a position of power.
Safe People and Safe Places
Every PDA learner needs at least one safe person and one safe place to go when Anxiety heightens. These aren’t always traditional educational staff:
Safe Person Examples:
- School caretaker who helps fix things and tinker
- Family dog walker who listens during walks
- Family friend with shared interests
- Any adult who builds genuine, non-demanding relationship
Safe Place Examples:
- Quiet corner or Sensory space
- Outdoor garden or natural area
- Library or resource room
- Even just having one trusted adult nearby
Invest Time in Connection Building
One infant school head teacher told staff she didn’t care if a Reception child picked up a pencil for the entire first year—their role was forming real connection and ensuring the child left school happy every day. By Year 2, the child was reading at eight-year-old level and writing beautifully.
Spend time sitting and chatting about special interests—this is equally valuable as formal lessons and often more important.
The Connection-Trust-Anxiety-Demand Tolerance Cycle
This cycle is the fundamental engine of education:
Stronger connection → Higher trust → Lower Anxiety → Higher demand tolerance → Potential for learning
This cycle compounds over time; small investments in connection create exponential returns in learning capacity. Breaking this cycle (through demanding, controlling, or forcing compliance) collapses learning potential.
Humour and Depersonalization
Two essential characteristics for working with PDA learners: a good sense of humor and a thick skin. Children with PDA have wonderful, unique senses of humor and genuinely enjoy having a laugh—sometimes at your expense.
Humor As Connection Tool
Humor is a great leveller; since PDA learners don’t see authority or hierarchy the way Neurotypical children do, you may become the butt of jokes or observations. Take this gracefully—it’s not disrespect but rather an inability to see authority as sacred or protected.
Sharing humor demonstrates that you value the relationship more than demanding work or learning. It tells the learner: “It’s okay, there’s nothing too serious here; we can still have a laugh even when things get difficult.”
The Jabba the Hutt Example
A tutor arrived to find a boy very distressed and shutdown. The boy pointed out something brown on the tutor’s jacket, asking “What is that?!” The tutor responded absurdly: “This is Jabba the Hutt’s poo…”
The tension lifted instantly. They had a ridiculous conversation about Jabba being unable to wipe his own bottom and imagined jobs available in the galaxy for beings in similar situations. After laughing together, the session became productive.
Gauging Appropriateness
Ensure the learner never feels you’re laughing at them, particularly during high Anxiety. The difference between shared humor and mockery is whether the learner feels connected to you or isolated from you.
Self-care and Workplace Support
Working with PDA learners is rewarding but genuinely challenging and emotionally demanding. Sessions may meet refusal, silence, incomplete work, or indifference—it can feel frustrating, draining, flat, or deskilling.
Managing Your Own Emotions
You must adapt and change to meet learner needs, pull creative ideas out of thin air under pressure, and respond to rejection without frustration. Any Anxiety or frustration you feel will be picked up by the PDA learner’s hypervigilance and likely exaggerated in their perception.
Your emotional regulation directly affects the learner’s Anxiety level, making self-awareness and self-management essential professional tools.
It’s Okay to Make Mistakes
Everyone supporting complex needs makes mistakes regularly. Reflect on what happened, learn from the experience, and improve practice going forward; role model this reflective process with children.
If you contributed to distress, acknowledge and apologize without making it a demand: “I’m sorry I didn’t understand what you were telling me. Next time I’ll try X or Y.”
Supporting Colleagues
Support each other in workplaces. One learning Support assistant spent an entire day keeping a boy (arriving with a “full bucket” of Anxiety) calm and safe in the playground, finding natural learning opportunities within that Support.
At day’s end he was happier and had learned much through their connection. Yet a colleague’s loaded comment—“Well, he’s not done much today, has he?”—completely disregarded and devalued her essential work maintaining connection and safety.
Recognize that keeping a high-Anxiety learner calm, regulated, and connected is valuable work even without formal task completion and grades.
Collaboration: Working With Parents and Other Professionals
The most successful schools supporting PDA learners share a common denominator: fantastic, respectful, equal, collaborative approaches involving all education staff, other professionals, and parents as genuine partners.
Valuing Different Expertise
Everyone has distinct expertise:
- Teachers are experts in education
- Therapists and psychologists in their fields
- Parents are experts in their own children
Parents observe their child in different contexts, see patterns across time, and understand what actually works and doesn’t work in their child’s unique situation.
Regular Collaborative Meetings
Regular meetings with equal voice ensure all perspectives are valued and critical information isn’t missed. Success happens when everyone works together with the child’s needs and wellbeing at the heart of everything—not adult convenience, curriculum completion, or standard measures.
The Child As Central
The child is “the most important person in their own educational journey”; work together collaboratively to make their educational experience successful, not just compliant or measurable.
This might mean:
- Making significant adaptations from standard curriculum
- Personalizing approaches substantially
- Accepting that traditional metrics don’t capture real learning and growth
Relevant Resources:
- PDA Society - Primary organization for PDA information and Support
- Additude Magazine - ADHD and Neurodivergent resources
- Autism Self Advocacy Network - Autistic-led resources and Support