Queerly Autistic: The Ultimate Guide for LGBTQIA+ Teens on the Spectrum

Executive Summary

This comprehensive guide by Erin Ekins addresses the unique intersection of Autistic and LGBTQIA+ identities, providing explicit frameworks, practical strategies, and detailed explanations designed for neurodivergent readers. The book covers sexual and romantic attraction, gender identity, coming out, relationships, medical transition, consent, and community navigation—all while acknowledging the sensory processing needs, communication preferences, and systematic thinking patterns common among Autistic people. What makes this work distinctive is its recognition that Autistic LGBTQIA+ youth need concrete definitions, scripted responses, and detailed practical guidance rather than vague encouragement.

Understanding Sexual and Romantic Attraction

Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction involves physical and emotional desire for sexual contact with someone, often accompanied by bodily sensations like tingling, throbbing, or stomach flipping. You might fantasize about a person or imagine them naked. Importantly, sexual attraction doesn’t require having actual sex—the attraction itself defines your sexuality.

Romantic Attraction

Romantic attraction is distinct from sexual attraction. It’s the desire for emotional intimacy, closeness, and love-type feelings—wanting to spend time together, hold hands, cuddle, or talk. While both sensations can include racing heartbeats or stomach flutters, they’re fundamentally different experiences.

The Split Attraction Model

The critical insight is that these two types of attraction don’t always occur together. You can feel sexual attraction without romance, romantic feelings without sex, or both simultaneously. This is formalized in the “split attraction model,” which recognizes that sexual orientation and romantic orientation can point in different directions.

For example: a person might be bisexual (sexually attracted to multiple genders) but only heteroromantic (romantically attracted to one gender), or homosexual and biromantic (romantically attracted to multiple genders). This model helps explain identities like “bi lesbian” where someone has split attractions spanning multiple identity labels.

For Autistic people, who often benefit from clear definitions and pattern recognition, understanding these distinctions explicitly is particularly valuable for organizing internal experience and self-understanding. Having precise language helps you know yourself more clearly than vague feelings alone.

Sexuality Identity Labels

Lesbian

A lesbian is a woman (cis or trans) attracted to women. The term derives from Sappho of Lesbos. While lesbians are exclusively attracted to women, some lesbians have previously had relationships with men—they’re still valid lesbians. The history of the term matters; understanding it can help you feel connected to a legacy.

Gay

Usually describes men attracted to men, though the term also serves as an umbrella for all same-gender attraction. Originally meaning “joyful,” it evolved to describe homosexual attraction. Like “lesbian,” it can be used as an umbrella term beyond strict definitions.

Bisexual/bi

A bisexual person is attracted to more than one gender—not necessarily equally, not necessarily at the same time, and not necessarily having acted on it. Bisexuality exists on a spectrum; you remain bisexual regardless of who you’re currently in a relationship with. A common misconception is that bisexuality is less valid than homosexuality or that bisexual people are “confused”—this is incorrect and rooted in biphobia.

Asexual/ace

An asexual person experiences little to no sexual attraction. Asexuality exists on a spectrum—including demisexual (only experiencing sexual attraction when emotional bonds exist) and grey-asexual (rarely experiencing sexual attraction). Ace people may have romantic attraction, may masturbate or enjoy sex in relationships, may be sex-repulsed, or may experience no attraction whatsoever. Asexuality is often misunderstood; ace people are not broken, and sex-positive and sex-repulsed ace people are equally valid.

Pansexual

Pansexual people are attracted to people regardless of gender—gender isn’t a factor in attraction. Often called a more “inclusive” version of bisexuality, though many bisexual people reject this framing since bisexuality also encompasses attraction regardless of gender. The distinction is philosophical rather than practical.

Gender Identity and Expression

Understanding Gender Components

Gender consists of three separate aspects that don’t always align:

Assigned sex at birth is what doctors decided based on external genitalia at birth. This is typically “male” or “female,” though some babies are born with ambiguous anatomy (intersex people).

Gender identity is your internal sense of your gender—man, woman, both, neither, or something else. This exists independent of your body or how others see you. Gender identity typically becomes clear in early childhood, though realizing and articulating it can happen at any age.

Gender expression is how you present gender through clothes, hair, behavior, and mannerisms. This is the part of gender most visible to others and most influenced by culture and personal preference.

These three don’t always align. You can be cisgender (assigned female, identify female) but express gender in “masculine” ways—wearing suits, cutting your hair short, or behaving in ways stereotypically associated with men. You can be transgender and gender non-conforming—a trans man who wears dresses and makeup. Your Sensory experiences as an Autistic person may influence gender expression: avoiding skirts because they feel uncomfortable doesn’t make you less a girl if you’re a girl; it reflects your Sensory needs and is completely valid.

Gender Identity Labels

Transgender/Trans: A person whose gender identity doesn’t match their sex assigned at birth. Trans women are women; trans men are men. Some trans people medically transition; others socially transition; many do both or neither. There is no single “trans experience”—transition is deeply personal.

Non-binary: A person who doesn’t exclusively identify as man or woman. They may be agender (no gender), genderfluid (shifting gender identity), bigender (multiple genders), or identify outside the binary entirely. Non-binary people use various pronouns (they/them, he/him, she/her, ze/sie, or other neopronouns). Non-binary identity is valid; it is not a “phase” or confusion about being trans.

Intersex: Someone born with reproductive organs, hormones, chromosomes, or sex characteristics not fitting solely “male” or “female” categories. Intersex people have diverse experiences and should decide whether they identify with the LGBTQIA+ umbrella. Intersex is about medical reality, not identity, though some intersex people do experience identity components of being LGBTQIA+.

Queer: Can be used alone as an identity or alongside other identities (lesbian, trans, asexual, etc.). Originally a slur, it’s been reclaimed as an empowering umbrella term for anyone not exclusively straight and/or cisgender—though not everyone feels comfortable with it due to its historical use as a slur. Your comfort with the term is what matters for your identity.

Gender Dysphoria and Gender Euphoria

Gender dysphoria is the discomfort, pain, and anxiety felt when your gender identity doesn’t match your assigned sex. It can be physical (distress about your body—e.g., a trans woman feeling dysphoric about having a penis, or an Autistic trans man struggling with unexpected Sensory distress about menstruation) or social (distress about how society genders you—e.g., a non-binary person distressed by gendered pronouns or being called “ma’am” or “sir”).

Not all trans people experience dysphoria, and dysphoria severity varies widely. Some people find relief through medical transition (hormones, surgery); others through social transition (pronouns, presentation); many through combinations. Understanding that dysphoria is real and valid helps you recognize your own experiences.

Gender euphoria is the opposite: comfort, joy, and pleasure found in being gendered correctly or presenting as your true gender. Euphoria might be experienced when someone uses your correct pronouns, when you wear clothes that feel authentically yours, or when you see your reflection and think “that’s me.” Both dysphoria and euphoria are valid emotional experiences that guide you toward authenticity.

Identity Exploration Strategies

Media and Fandom Exploration

You don’t need to have sex to figure out your sexuality or need to transition to understand your gender. Multiple safe, accessible methods exist:

Following LGBTQIA+ creators: Watching famous LGBTQIA+ creators on YouTube or following celebrities can help you relate to their experiences and recognize shared identity traits. Watch interviews, vlogs, or coming-out stories. Pay careful attention to what specifically you’re connecting with—shared bullying experiences don’t necessarily mean shared sexuality, but shared feelings about attraction or identity do.

Consuming LGBTQIA+ media: TV shows, films, and books with queer characters help you explore identity vicariously. Seeing a gay character’s coming-out journey or a trans character’s transition can mirror your own questions. Watch shows featuring trans or non-binary characters (e.g., Orange Is the New Black). Identify with characters of any gender, not just those with your assigned sex.

Engaging with fandom and fanfiction: Many Autistic people (including the author) used fandom to explore sexuality. Reading or writing fanfiction about characters, “shipping” (wanting characters to be together), and creating “headcanons” (personal interpretations) can be safe ways to explore attraction and relationships without personal risk. Shipping same-gender pairings can feel emotionally distant enough to be comfortable while close enough to be meaningful. Writing fanfiction from different perspectives helps process feelings about identity. Headcanoning characters as trans or different genders and discussing why you see them that way is a legitimate form of identity exploration.

Watching pornography and erotica thoughtfully: Pornography can help you identify what “turns you on” and explore attraction—though it’s scripted, unrealistic, and often harmful. Examining what you’re imagining during arousal reveals patterns: Are you identifying with a performer? Imagining the scene happening to you? Attracted to specific people? Note that asexual people can be aroused by porn without being sexually attracted to the people in it. “Ethical porn” made by and for people of specific sexualities exists but requires paid subscriptions. Erotica and audiobooks offer more emotional depth than mainstream porn and often come from “own voices” authors with lived experience. Be cautious about porn addiction—if you find yourself wanting it daily, stop or seek support from a trusted adult.

Self-Reflection Questions

Ask yourself:

• Have you ever felt different from your same-assigned-gender peers?
• Do you think about being seen as a different gender?
• When imagining yourself older, what gender do you see?
• Do you persistently want to physically change your body?
• Do you relate to trans people’s stories?

Writing answers in a private journal can clarify your feelings.

Identity Labels and Fluidity

There’s no “right way” or “wrong way” to figure out your sexuality or gender. Some people know instinctively from childhood; others take years. You can try multiple labels before finding one that fits, change your identity over time, or refuse to use a label at all. Changing your identity isn’t admitting you were “wrong”—it’s self-discovery. Learning new words (discovering “bisexual,” “demisexual,” “non-binary”) that better describe your experiences is valid.

Many Autistic people find labels extremely helpful for understanding themselves; labels provide structure and clarity. But if labels feel restrictive, you don’t have to use them. What matters is what feels true to you.

The author’s own identity journey illustrates this: she came out as bisexual at 16, then identified as queer when involved in activism. Her mother didn’t realize she was gay until age 50. Both timelines are legitimate. Your journey is yours alone.

Coming Out Safely

Risk Assessment and Planning

Before coming out, assess your safety:

• Can you safely leave if family reacts negatively?
• Do you have financial independence or a backup plan?
• Is your housing dependent on family acceptance?
• Are you physically safe with this person?

If the answer to the last three questions is “I’m not sure,” create a safety plan before coming out. Create an emergency bag with important documents, keys, clothes, medication, emergency contacts, and phone charger. Plan the timing carefully when the abusive person isn’t around, arrange a safe place to stay (friends, family, or domestic violence shelters), and disable phone tracking. Safety is paramount.

Communication Methods

Multiple communication approaches exist depending on your comfort level and safety:

Letter or email allows you time to craft your message and gives recipients time to process before responding. This is particularly useful if you struggle with explicit communication or fear immediate negative reactions.

Text or chat is informal and quick but may result in immediate replies—turning off notifications can provide breathing space. For those with writing difficulties (including dyslexia, common in Autistic people), a trusted person already out can help translate your message.

Creative approaches (for those in safe environments): baking a cake with the message piped on top, making announcement cards (particularly effective for gender transitions with “it’s a girl/boy” style cards), publishing newspaper announcements (typically done by parents), throwing a surprise coming-out party with rainbow decorations, or playing games that reveal your identity.

Handling Negative Reactions

Prepare scripted responses to anticipated challenges:

To “Are you sure?”: “I’ve thought about this a lot, and I am sure. I am sure that I am [your identity] in the same way that you are sure that you are [their identity].”

To “You can’t be [identity] because you’re Autistic”: “Actually, a lot of Autistic people are LGBTQIA+. Studies show we’re more likely to identify as something other than straight or cisgender than non-Autistic people. Just because I’m Autistic doesn’t mean I don’t understand who I am.”

Ongoing Coming Out

Coming out rarely happens once. With new friends, mention it relatively early to avoid hurt later. In romantic relationships, disclose sooner rather than later, especially when dating someone who doesn’t identify as LGBTQIA+—their reaction is a test of whether they’ll accept you. At new jobs, casually drop it into conversation about relationships or events you’ve attended. With doctors, coming out is often medically necessary: inform them about same-gender partners for proper medical care, and disclose trans status so doctors understand your actual anatomy.

Pronouns: Selection and Communication

Pronoun Options

Pronouns include traditional gendered options (he/him, she/her), neutral pronouns (they/them), and neopronouns (xe/xem, ze/hir, e/em, zie/zim, fae/faer). According to the 2019 Gender Census, they/them is most popular (79.5%), followed by xe/xem (7.2%), e/em (5.2%), ze/hir (4.7%), it/its (4.4%), and fae/faer (4.3%).

Testing Pronouns Systematically

List desired pronoun qualities, rank by importance, create pros/cons tables, test aloud with trusted people, and remember you can change your mind. This methodical approach is particularly helpful for Autistic people who think in terms of systems and specificity.

Teaching Others to Use Pronouns

When others use wrong pronouns, firmly but politely correct them. Help them understand the correction process: apologize, correct, move on. Model the behavior you want. If friends refuse to use correct pronouns after being corrected, this is a red flag—step back from those friendships. Your identity deserves respect.

Legal Transition Processes

Legal Name Change: Deed Poll Process

Before legally changing your name, test it socially. Use the same systematic approach as with pronouns: list criteria, rank importance, create pros/cons tables, test with trusted people.

A deed poll is a legal document stating you’re abandoning your previous name, will use your new name always, and require everyone to address you by it. Unenrolled deed polls (cheapest, quickest, for ages 16+) cost around £15.99; enrolled deed polls (public record, ages 18+) cost more. Most people choose unenrolled. You can write your own or hire professionals (check Trustpilot reviews).

Once you have a deed poll, change your name on: bank accounts (go to local branch with documents), passport (£75 online at <www.gov.uk/changing-passport-information>), driving licence (free, send old licence and proof of name change), school/medical records, Department for Work and Pensions (send proof with covering letter and National Insurance number), and insurance/utility payments.

Gender Markers on Legal Documents

After changing your name, you may want to change gender markers on documents.

Passport changes cost £75 and require either a Gender Recognition Certificate or a letter from a doctor/gender specialist confirming the change is “permanent.”

Driving licences require a letter requesting gender marker change; currently only “male” and “female” are options.

Medical records can usually be changed; some practices may ask for a Gender Recognition Certificate. Important: once you change your gender marker in medical records, you may no longer receive automatic reminders for routine screenings you still need (e.g., smear tests for anyone with a cervix). You must track these independently.

Gender Recognition Certificate

To legally change the gender on your birth certificate, apply to a Gender Recognition Panel, providing evidence you’re over 18, have lived as your “acquired” gender for at least two years, intend to continue, and have a gender dysphoria diagnosis (two medical reports required—one from your doctor, one from a gender specialist). Panels may question why you haven’t had surgery or why you don’t want it.

The process is imperfect; campaigners are pushing for reform including self-determination (allowing legal gender change without panel approval), inclusion of non-binary people, and easier processes. As of 2025, the UK government has promised further reform but has indicated they would retain the requirement for a diagnosis and doctor’s report, and has not indicated they would remove spousal veto, remove the two-year living requirement, or offer recognition to non-binary people or under-18s.

Social Transition and Sensory Considerations

Gender Expression and Sensory Needs

Express your gender through appearance (clothes, hair, accessories) in ways that feel right to you. Remember: gender expression doesn’t define gender identity. Trans men can dress femininely and still be men. Autistic people finding comfortable clothes can be difficult; Sensory needs matter more than gender stereotypes.

Binding

Binding (wrapping chest to flatten it) requires proper binders (brands: gc2b, Underworks) to avoid back/rib/breathing damage; binding tape (Transtape brand) releases moisture and breathes. Don’t bind for long periods; use baggy tops some days instead. This is particularly important for Autistic people who may have existing sensory overload sensitivities that binding exacerbates.

Packing

Packing (placing something in underwear to create penis appearance) ranges from rolled socks to custom packers. Start cheap to test if it helps dysphoria. Try different materials to match your Sensory needs.

Padding

Padding adds to chest/hips using specially made underwear or soft materials matching Sensory needs.

”passing”

“Passing” (being read as your gender) matters for some people’s dysphoria but isn’t required to be your true gender. You are valid whether or not people read you as your gender.

Medical Transition

Gender Identity Clinic Navigation

Gender Identity Clinics (GICs) provide support for gender dysphoria, medical treatments (hormones, surgeries), and guidance for people questioning their gender. Access through GP referral.

Before your appointment, write down reasons for referral and specific needs. Tell them you’re Autistic; provide a list of needs (communication style, appointment length, recording permission); bring an advocate/trusted adult; bring Autism information since GIC staff may not understand Autistic trans people or may assume Autism means you can’t make gender decisions.

Waiting lists can be 1-2 years; look to Mermaids or Gendered Intelligence for support while waiting. Private clinics are faster but expensive; research credentials carefully on Trustpilot before choosing.

Medical Transition Options

Puberty blockers (hormone blockers) delay or slow puberty, stopping distressing changes (breast development, hip widening, facial hair, voice dropping, penis growth). They provide time to explore gender identity without permanent bodily changes. Access requires specialist referral, usually through a GIC or Mermaids if family support is lacking. A 2020 High Court decision complicated access for under-16s; appeals are ongoing.

Hormone Therapy (cross-hormones/HRT) around age 16 requires psychological support and clinical criteria. Hormones cause some irreversible changes (breast development from oestrogen, voice changes from testosterone) and may affect fertility.

Testosterone Effects

Testosterone (T) effects: voice dropping, facial/body hair growth, fat redistribution, easier muscle building. As Autistic people, extra body hair (especially in unfamiliar places) can be uncomfortable; shaving doesn’t make you less masculine. T can enlarge the clitoris to micro-penis size—very sensitive, requiring experimenting with underwear types for Sensory comfort. T delivery: injections (every few weeks/months, faster effects) or daily gel. Discuss Sensory needs with specialists.

Oestrogen Effects

Oestrogen (O) effects: softer skin, fat redistribution (breasts, hips, bottom), body hair texture changes, breast growth (sensitive/sore, requiring proper-fitting bras). O doesn’t affect facial hair or voice; for these, try daily shaving or later laser treatment/vocal cord surgery. O delivery: pills, skin patches, injections. Discuss Sensory preferences (patches vs. Swallowing pills). Take blockers with O to suppress natural testosterone.

Progesterone

Progesterone aids breast growth and fat distribution.

Important: Cross-hormones can permanently affect fertility; discuss egg/sperm freezing options with your doctor.

Gender Confirmation Surgeries

For trans men/masculine people: top surgery (breast removal), hysterectomy (uterus removal, stops periods), metoidioplasty (enlarged clitoris reshaped into penis-like structure), phalloplasty (penis built from donor skin/tissue). For trans women/feminine people: breast augmentation (implants), orchiectomy (testicle removal), vaginoplasty (create functional vagina), vulvaplasty (create vulva appearance), facial feminization surgery. All carry risk and long recovery. Connect with other trans people—especially Autistic trans people—who’ve had procedures to understand what to expect. Not having surgery doesn’t make you less your true gender.

Healthy Relationships

Core Elements

Respect: Respect pronouns, gender/sexuality identity, boundaries, and privacy. Don’t belittle, mock, or make people feel bad.

Boundaries: Tell partners what you don’t like and expect it to stop. Healthy relationships respect this. Don’t check phones/social media without permission; allow partners independent friendships/lives.

Fairness/Equality: Be equal partners. Some may need more support (Autistic people may need help with certain tasks)—this doesn’t make you a burden. Discuss what you can both do. Care about and love each other equally.

Communication: Find what works for you—talking, texting, writing, scheduled meetings, or signals showing you need support. Autistic people may benefit from explicit communication agreements.

Trust/Honesty: Be trustworthy and honest. Ask partners if something is private before sharing. Determine honesty levels per relationship. Some secrets are acceptable; discuss what those look like for you.

Crushes on Friends

Having romantic feelings for friends is common and complicated. Don’t let feelings bubble—they grow stronger and fantasy takes over. Communicate with a trusted person first, then with the friend.

Try: “I have these feelings for you. Do you have these feelings for me?” If yes, great—but it might not match your imagination. If no, remember: people don’t owe you romantic/sexual feelings, just as you don’t owe anyone yours. It will hurt. Cope by distraction—focus on interests, new hobbies, time with others. Your friendship might continue or might end; both are okay.

Recognizing Abusive Relationships

Red Flags

Red flags applying to all relationships: Does the person make you feel bad (calling names, mocking, belittling)? Invade privacy (tracking, logging into accounts, checking messages)? Have problems with you seeing friends/family? Constantly accuse you of wrongdoing? Get angry for no reason? Try controlling everything? Mock you for being Autistic? Refuse to respect your gender/sexuality? Control your money? Try convincing you of false things (“gaslighting”)? Physically hurt you? Pressure you into unwanted sex?

Vulnerability Factors

LGBTQIA+ Autistic people are particularly vulnerable due to isolation, anxiety, difficulty reading intentions, and tendency to form intense relationships with kind people. Young LGBTQIA+ people may form relationships with older community members who abuse power dynamics. If an adult is inappropriate with a teenager (talking about sex, controlling, asking to date, sending pictures), it’s abuse—they may say you’re “mature for your age” or “it’s about more than a number,” which are abusive tactics.

Leaving Abusive Relationships

You deserve better. If the relationship is just rude/belittling, send a message ending it (email, text, chat—not doing it face-to-face doesn’t make you bad). You can block people on social media/by phone number. “Ghosting” (stopping contact with no explanation) is generally bad, so message before blocking if safe.

If threatened or scared, prioritize safety. For physical abuse: create an emergency bag (documents, keys, clothes, medication, contacts, charger) without the abuser knowing; plan timing for when they’re away; ensure it’s safe (avoid familiar taxi services); secure housing (friend, family, domestic violence shelter—verify they accept your gender); disable phone tracking; use someone else’s phone if needed.

Get support from domestic violence organizations. Note: you might also become abusive or toxic; if you recognize abusive behavior in yourself, reach out to the same domestic violence charities—you can work to improve your behavior.

Understanding Consent

Consent Frameworks

Consent is a voluntary, enthusiastic, informed “yes” that is not forced, applies to specific acts (not blanket approval), can be withdrawn at any time, and cannot be given under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Consent is mandatory—partners must actively obtain it, not assume it.

For Autistic people who struggle with verbal communication, practice scripted phrases:

To decline: “No,” “I don’t want to do this anymore,” “That doesn’t feel very nice”

To agree: “Yes, please,” “I want this,” “That feels really good!”

To check partner consent: “Is that okay?” “Does that feel good?” “Do you want me to stop?”

Reading Body language: Watch for tensing up, unusual noises, or silence as indicators to check in. Make notes, use sign language codes, text, or phone communication if verbal communication feels unreliable during sex. If unsure, ask. Asking for consent is not ungraceful—it’s respectful.

Sexual Practices and Safety

Penetrative Sex

Penis-in-vagina (P-in-V) sex: Use condoms to prevent pregnancy and most STIs, additional contraception (pill, diaphragm, implant, injection, coil) for pregnancy prevention, lubricant for comfort, and urinate after sex to prevent urinary tract infections. Some condoms are ribbed or have Sensory substances—check compatibility if Sensory issues exist.

Anal sex: Always use condoms (anal tissue doesn’t self-lubricate and is more fragile), use substantial lubricant, and those with vaginas should use additional contraception despite low pregnancy risk. People with Sensory sensitivities should verify condom and lube choices beforehand.

Oral Sex

Use condoms for penis-in-mouth contact to prevent STI transmission, and use dental dams (flat protective sheets) for vagina contact. Dental dams come flavored—try one before sex if you’re sensitive to taste. Mouth tissue is highly sensitive, so standard ribbed condoms may feel painful.

Manual Sex

Fingering/handjobs: Wash hands thoroughly before and between different body areas to prevent infection spread. Hand protection (condoms or dental dams) is optional but recommended; change protection when moving between body parts. Use lubricant as needed for comfort.

Sex Toys

Purchase only commercially made toys (household objects risk serious injury). Wash toys after every use and before reuse. Use condoms on toys that enter the body, changing them when moving between different areas. Use appropriate lubricant and check Sensory compatibility.

First-Time Sex and Virginity

“Virginity” is a social construct without biological basis. The hymen—traditionally thought to “break” on first penetration—is actually a flexible tissue that stretches or tears through many activities (exercise, tampon insertion, riding bikes).

First-time sex may be uncomfortable, painful, or enjoyable—all are normal. Discomfort may stem from nervousness, needing adjustment, or trying different approaches. Foreplay (kissing, cuddling, touching) can reduce discomfort.

Critically: “You are not ‘broken’ if you are in your twenties and haven’t had any type of sex. You are not ‘tainted’ if you have had multiple sexual partners. And you are not more or less LGBTQIA+ depending on how much experience you have with sex.”

Understanding Rape and Sexual Abuse

Definitions

Rape is sex without consent. Statutory rape occurs when someone under 16 has sex with someone 16 or older. Sexual assault includes non-consensual sexual acts using fingers, objects, or body parts other than penis penetration. Coercion includes sex obtained through pressure (even if the person eventually says “yes”). Abuse by authority includes sex by caregivers, teachers, or others in positions of power over you, regardless of claimed love or claims it’s “normal.”

Legal definitions vary (England legally requires penile penetration to be called “rape,” but survivors can name their experience as rape regardless). Resources include: Galop (for LGBTQIA+ survivors), Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999, live chat available), Survivors UK (for male survivors), Childline (for under-18s).

Navigating LGBTQIA+ Community Spaces

Physical Venues and Sensory Accessibility

Traditional venues (gay clubs, gay bars, lesbian bars, drag bars) are potentially overwhelming due to noise, crowds, alcohol, and Sensory stimulation.

Quieter alternatives include youth groups (offering socializing, support, activism), university LGBTQIA+ groups (coffee mornings, quizzes, events), and older community groups (coffee mornings, online support).

Pride events range from large overwhelming parades/festivals to smaller local events with potentially quieter spaces; virtual Pride offers online accessibility.

Practical Navigation Strategies

Having a way out: Plan exit routes or rehearse phrases to leave comfortably.

Buddy code with a trusted person: Use hand signals, stimming cues, code words, or texting to indicate distress. If overwhelmed, text your buddy a code word like “I feel sick,” and they’ll help you leave guilt-free.

Using the toilet as a private recharging space: Don’t be afraid to hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Do not let yourself be dragged down by the thought that you are disappointing your friends.

Setting firm personal limits: Determine how long you can stay, when you need breaks, and communicate this to friends beforehand.

Using calming techniques: Stimming aids like fidget toys, breathing exercises (like 4-7-8 technique), noise-cancelling headphones, calming apps.

Refusing guilt about necessary accommodations: Your comfort and mental health are paramount. Accommodations aren’t “cheating” or weakness—they’re self-care.

Online Community Spaces

Facebook has open and closed LGBTQIA+ groups; closed groups offer privacy if you’re not out.

Twitter allows anonymity through hashtags like ActuallyAutistic or AskingAutistics to connect with Autistic LGBTQIA+ people.

Tumblr enables anonymous participation and creative expression.

Forums (including <www.lgbtchat.net>) provide topic-specific community and moderation.

Online spaces are vital for those unable to access in-person venues. Safety requires vigilance:

• Don’t share identifying information (surname, address, email, phone)
• Don’t believe everything online (fact-check claims)
• Block and report uncomfortable contacts immediately
• Watch for radicalization attempts (extreme political or religious ideas targeting groups)
• Be cautious about sharing medical or sexual history details
• Practice kindness while refusing to tolerate abuse
• Block rather than argue with hostile people—“some bullies thrive on attention”

Bullying and Online Safety

Bullying and Cyberbullying

Bullying (name-calling, deliberate misgendering, public mockery, threats, theft, physical harm) can be addressed by ignoring (when possible—often doesn’t work), talking privately with trusted people, journaling, or speaking out to authority figures. However, speaking out offers no guarantee of help; some authority figures are themselves bullies. If adults fail to help, consider changing schools or jobs.

Cyberbullying uses the same forms online. Strategies include blocking/unfriending, taking screenshots as evidence, reporting to platforms (for harassment, slurs, protected characteristic attacks), and making accounts private or locked. Social media platforms are inconsistent in enforcement.

If someone you know in real life is cyberbullying, involve teachers, managers, or HR with documented evidence.

Trolling and Online Harassment

Trolls are strangers online who attack for reaction; blocking and not engaging is effective. Muting specific words or phrases on Twitter prevents triggering slurs from appearing in your feed. Never try to “change trolls’ minds”—resources like therapy are better directed to protecting yourself.

Bigotry, Injustice, and Activism

Witnessing bigotry and injustice can be overwhelming for Autistic people who often feel strong empathy and find unfairness physically painful.

Protective Strategies

• Scheduling breaks from social media/news
• Talking with trusted people (or journaling, using online chat services if verbal communication is difficult)
• Blocking/muting bigoted accounts and celebrities
• Using Twitter’s word-mute feature

Productive Activism

Channel energy productively by identifying actionable steps: signing petitions, donating to funds/organizations, writing to politicians, reading books on the issue, creating art, educating people you know, or attending protests (including virtual options).

Activism takes multiple forms:

• Building platforms (Twitter accounts, Facebook pages, blogs, YouTube channels, podcasts—no expensive equipment needed)
• Setting up LGBTQIA+ groups at school (Gay Straight Alliances allowing allies and questioning youth)
• Joining workplace unions or LGBTQIA+ employee groups
• Joining grassroots organizations campaigning on specific justice issues

The book emphasizes: “You can harness that passion. Whether it’s writing, tweeting, marching, building a community or making art that makes people sit up and listen, you can resist against a world that doesn’t feel fair.”