Executive Summary
Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome addresses the critical gap in understanding how Autism presents differently in females—a population historically overlooked because diagnostic criteria were developed primarily from male presentations. The book explains why girls with Autism remain undiagnosed into adulthood, how their traits manifest differently than in boys, and provides comprehensive guidance for Aspergirls themselves, parents, and anyone supporting women on the spectrum. Author Rudy Simone, drawing from interviews with dozens of women on the spectrum, reframes Autism not as pathology but as neurological difference—one that creates both profound challenges and remarkable gifts. The work makes a compelling case that many of the “problems” attributed to Autism actually stem from non-acceptance, misunderstanding, and living in a neurotypical world.
Understanding the Female Asperger Experience
The Crisis of Underdiagnosis in Females
Female Autism remains dramatically underdiagnosed, with research historically reporting a 3-4:1 male-to-female ratio that experts like Tony Attwood and Lorna Wing believe significantly misrepresents reality. This invisibility stems from multiple intersecting factors: girls’ special interests often appear socially acceptable (books, animals, horses) rather than unusual, creating effective camouflage; intellectual precocity creates the illusion of emotional maturity and social competence they don’t actually possess; superior camouflaging abilities fool teachers and clinicians through sophisticated masking strategies; and clinicians trained on Hans Asperger’s original male-based descriptions don’t recognize female presentations.
The consequences are severe: women remain undiagnosed into their 30s, 40s, or 50s—some only discovering their Autism when their own children receive diagnoses. Modern stress may amplify visibility differences, as rising diagnoses in women reflect both better recognition and genuinely increased symptom visibility from intensified social pressure. This delayed diagnosis requires reframing an entire life through a new neurological lens, often bringing both relief (finally understanding lifelong struggles) and grief (recognizing missed opportunities and unnecessary suffering).
How Female Presentation Differs from Male
While both boys and girls with AS share core Autistic traits, the presentation and expression differ significantly. Aspergirls typically appear androgynous in mannerism and essence, often reporting they don’t feel particularly female or relate more to male identity—describing themselves as “half male and half female.” This isn’t about sexual orientation but about psychological balance and authentic self-expression. Many pursue traditionally masculine activities and actively reject feminine expectations around grooming and fashion, which can lead to being mistaken for transgender or lesbian despite being heterosexual.
Most Aspergirls demonstrate higher fluid intelligence—the ability to see order in confusion and understand relationships between seemingly unrelated things—and are self-taught learners who became fluent readers early, extending this pattern to music, mathematics, design, welding, and other domains. Society measures women by multi-tasking ability, impulse regulation, conflict-smoothing, and emotional soothing of others—a standard Aspergirls consistently fail to meet. This mismatch creates profound feelings of alienation, not from culture or family but from species, finding solace in science fiction and fantasy as escapism from this existential alienation.
Sensory Processing and the Intense World
The author subscribes to the “Intense World” theory: Autistic people are hyperfunctional rather than hypofunctional, experiencing sensory input intensely and processing it differently. This framework rejects the notion of sensory deficits and instead describes heightened perception that can be overwhelming. Aspergirls report triggering sensations including fluorescent lights (which they perceive flickering that others cannot), loud social situations and overwhelming background noise, perfume and strong scents, clothing labels and uncomfortable textures, unexpected sirens, and wind.
Critically, control matters: an Aspergirl running a lawnmower accepts the noise because she controls it; a neighbor’s lawnmower drives her to distraction because it’s imposed and unpredictable. Sound sensitivity is particularly acute—many require earplugs and silence for sleep and cannot filter multiple simultaneous sounds. A windy day overwhelms not because of fear but because trees sway unpredictably, wind sounds assault ears, hair gets pulled and whipped into the face—creating genuine physical sensory assault. Clothing and skin sensitivity drives choices; fussy fabrics feel like torture, elastic bands cutting into flesh cause genuine pain, and scratchy materials are intolerable. These sensory issues directly impact dating, employment, and social participation, keeping many Aspergirls home and socially isolated.
Some Aspergirls report sensing emotional states others hide, having premonitions, or experiencing what feels like sixth-sense awareness. While this may seem unscientific, the author notes that animals sense earthquakes despite lack of scientific proof, suggesting heightened perception exists but remains poorly understood. This phenomenon deserves investigation rather than dismissal.
Stimming: Self-Soothing Expression and Suppression Costs
Stimming should be reframed not as pathology but as a self-soothing mechanism used when anxious, overwhelmed, or in pain. Common stims include rocking, swaying, twirling, spinning, humming, flapping, tapping, clapping, and finger-flicking. Aspergirls stim from sensory overload, anxiety, social stress, or boredom—and stimming patterns vary depending on emotional state. Anxiety stims emerge from distress, while stimming while happy looks distinctly different: flapping hands, clapping, dancing, laughing, and jumping express joy and enthusiasm. However, these expressions are often misinterpreted as flirting, silliness, or immaturity, leading Aspergirls to suppress them in social contexts.
Suppressing stims creates serious problems: physical tics develop, destructive habits emerge, or anxiety internalizes into chronic stress and depression. The author explicitly advocates allowing expression when possible because chronic suppression damages nerves, psyche, and happiness potential. For many Aspergirls, stimming is the difference between manageable anxiety and overwhelming overwhelm.
School Experiences: Achievement and Trauma
Aspergirls frequently excel academically—reading advanced texts, solving complex problems—while simultaneously experiencing severe bullying and social isolation. This paradox is deeply damaging because academic achievement masks social devastation. Aspergirls often transition from being tolerated or even liked in early childhood to becoming bullying targets once conformity becomes socially paramount, typically during adolescence. Teachers frequently fail to recognize or stop bullying and sometimes side with more popular bullies. This institutional abandonment compounds the social trauma and teaches girls that adults won’t protect them, leading to lifelong hypervigilance and distrust.
Good grades mask depression, anxiety, PTSD, and social devastation. Parents and teachers see academic success and assume the girl is fine, missing signals of serious distress. Some gifted Aspergirls become high school or college dropouts, trading potential PhDs for escape from toxic environments—a choice that feels empowering temporarily but creates long-term regret and limited career prospects. The bullying-academic achievement paradox means Aspergirls’ struggles remain invisible, and trauma compounds across years. Prevention requires proactive school changes, advocacy, and parental willingness to switch schools when bullying emerges.
Selective Mutism: Neurological Shutdown
Puberty often triggers or worsens Autistic symptoms in girls who previously seemed merely “gifted” or eccentric. One of the most severe manifestations is selective mutism—an involuntary inability to speak that differs fundamentally from shyness or voluntary silence. This is a neurological event where the brain’s translation system breaks down when upset or nervous. Thoughts exist but cannot be converted to words—the person experiences physical throat paralysis, metallic taste, and complete thought freezing.
Mutism strikes hardest during social gatherings lacking structure or purpose. The author describes physical freezing, jerky movements, inability to think beyond repeating “they don’t like me,” feeling like a searchlight pinned on her as visible beacon of social failure. When intimidated by someone, even comprehending their words becomes impossible—they sound “garbled and nonsensical”—creating a feedback loop where communication deteriorates further. Episodes can last hours or extend into days and weeks. About 1 in 4 spectrum children develop seizures at puberty onset; some research suggests subclinical seizures may underlie selective mutism. The condition typically lasts until early-to-mid 20s or requires intervention.
The author describes mutism as “the absolute worst aspect of childhood and growing up” and notes it remains her biggest ongoing problem. However, she’s developed a practical reframe: mutism serves as “radar”—if someone triggers it, they’re someone to avoid. Kind, non-judgmental people don’t trigger mutism; judgmental people do. Recovery involves increasing self-confidence and seeking out non-threatening people. During mutism episodes, writing becomes crucial—it validates thoughts, allows processing with a clear head later, and has “saved my sanity if not my life” for many Autistic women.
Romantic Attraction and Vulnerability
Aspergirls exhibit strong obsessive tendencies that extend dangerously into romantic attraction, creating patterns of intense fixation that often result in social rejection and misunderstanding. Strong sensory drives combine with obsessive traits, creating intense fixation on romantic interests. One girl describes being unable to stop staring at a boy’s hair and eyes—turning her head repeatedly despite being in front of others—and lacking the theory of mind to realize others could see her behavior. The pattern reflects fundamental misunderstanding about courtship: girls are “supposed to play hard to get,” but Aspergirls are direct and logical. Seeing someone attractive, they think “I want to go out with him; therefore I should ask him out”—leading to ridicule and rejection.
Emotional naiveté creates profound vulnerability. Many Autistic women don’t recognize when someone is treating them badly or mistake it as “coming with the territory.” They often let first partners choose them rather than discriminating carefully. Partners who sense malleability may become Svengali-type controllers or abusers. Some Autistic women have stayed in controlling and sexually abusive relationships because they didn’t know how to stand up for themselves. The consequences are severe: early pregnancy, STDs, single parenthood, emotional and sexual unfulfillment. Many don’t realize they’re unfulfilled because they have nothing to compare it with. The paradox is striking: intelligent women make “bad choices when it comes to relationships” because of emotional inexperience rather than intellectual deficit.
Sexual activity is “strongly affected if not determined by sensory issues.” Some Aspergirls find sex intensely pleasurable due to heightened senses. However, the majority find it too painful or annoying due to sensory sensitivities—many are celibate by choice, others have sex primarily because partners want it. A man’s smell is “absolutely crucial to attraction for most Aspergirls.” One woman describes needing both intellectual compatibility AND the right smell: “A sniff at the neck of the right person and I’m lost—if we are on the same intellectual level.”
Practical Relationship Guidance
The book provides concrete, pragmatic advice for Aspergirls navigating romance. If a potential partner can’t handle your interests, doesn’t get your jokes, or gets embarrassed by your bluntness, he’s likely not compatible. Don’t dumb yourself down or try to mimic “the kind of girl that guys will like”—work on yourself but be authentically you. Instead of spending energy making someone you’re attracted to like you, “go out with someone who already does like you. That will save time and heartache.”
Early disclosure may be optimal when meeting someone you both like. Even without full disclosure, stating your needs helps—saying you’d prefer a quieter first date location to talk and get to know each other. If that raises his eyebrows, he’s not right for you. Aspergirls must figure out what their needs are before they can have them met. Regarding obsessive behavior, the Autistic need for control can carry into relationships. If liking someone, Aspergirls may call them, ask them out, etc.—but unless he’s Autistic or “extremely liberated,” this may not work long-term and can turn him off. If sailing into obsessive behavior, “turn that boat around. That is okay when dealing with inanimate objects, books, or knowledge, but when dealing with another human being, it is dangerous and could be both frightening and disturbing to them.”
Love might not be as “lovey-dovey” as fantasized. Some will still want to flee, dislike hand-holding, or prefer seeing someone once or twice weekly—conflicting with expectations of “the One.” This doesn’t signal something wrong; it’s reality even with the right person. Regarding sex, your choice should be your choice, not society’s. First experiences leave indelible marks and should be with the right person who knows and understands you, ideally someone who knows you have AS. You need and want to feel safe. Pleasant sex with the right person is “infinitely different and more fulfilling” than unpleasant experiences.
Misunderstanding, Guilt, and Chronic Invalidation
A profound theme underlying much of Aspergirl experience: without diagnosis, families and teachers assume girls deliberately act “weird,” are attention-seeking, or choosing meltdowns. This creates lifelong guilt complexes and internalized shame that may be more damaging than core Autism symptoms. Aspergirls internalize enormous guilt for behaviors they don’t understand or can’t control. The author describes being told “you know what you did!” repeatedly while genuinely not knowing. Without diagnosis, the assumption is that girls should “just handle” situations neurotypical peers manage easily, creating internal conflict.
Women face particular pressure because society expects them to be capable multi-taskers, masters of etiquette, and emotionally intelligent—invisible Autism violates these expectations while remaining invisible as legitimate difference. This creates unique shame: I look normal, I’m smart, so I should be able to do this. Nearly all Aspergirls interviewed reported being frequently misunderstood—their words and intentions misread, behaviors misinterpreted as intentional offense. Social withdrawal is interpreted as hiding something; lack of eye contact means lying; friendliness is mistaken for flirting; attempts to organize situations appear manipulative; anxiety looks like controlling behavior.
The consequences are severe: lost jobs, lost homes, lost friendships, damaged reputations. One woman was evicted because her landlady interpreted her “spacey behavior” as a drug problem. Another nearly failed nursing placement because people thought she was arrogant and egotistical when she was actually confused. This lifelong pattern of misunderstanding creates cumulative emotional damage that, unchecked, leads to bitterness, withdrawal from the world, and giving up on friendships and employment. The author explicitly states: “Most of the psychological problems that seem to come with AS have more to do with non-acceptance, bullying, and blaming than anything else.”
Emotional Dysregulation and Meltdowns
Two distinct types of Autistic meltdowns exist, each with different triggers, duration, and recovery patterns. Depression meltdowns last days or weeks and are intensely crippling. They begin with a cloudy feeling around the brain edges and forehead tightness, often triggered by a comment, change of plan, social/sensory overload, breakups, or being the object of scorn. The person feels hit by a baseball bat, experiences dizziness like fainting, and describes it as “a black hole in my stomach sucking my entire body in.” Sufferers cry to the point of hyperventilation, despair that nothing will ever be right, feel paralyzed by grief, and can be incapacitated for hours or days.
Temper meltdowns are briefer but explosive, involving yelling, swearing, viciousness, and destructiveness. They’re triggered by injustice, unfair treatment, hunger, sensory overload, confusion, unwanted touch, or false accusations. During temper meltdowns, Aspergians may say things they don’t mean, and the physical expression can appear violent and terrifying. The rage is brief but the aftermath is devastating—embarrassment, damaged relationships, potential legal consequences. Both types cause physical symptoms beyond emotional distress. Both meltdown types are genuine neurological events, not character flaws or manipulative behavior, and require understanding rather than punishment. Yet they’re often interpreted as intentional loss of control or attention-seeking. This misinterpretation compounds trauma and shame.
Diagnosis, Misdiagnosis, and Medication Complications
Formal diagnosis of Asperger’s in women is complicated by high cost, lack of insurance coverage, the subjective nature of diagnosis, and clinician lack of knowledge about female presentation. Many women receive multiple misdiagnoses throughout their lives—schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, multiple personalities, OCD, ADHD, Tourette’s syndrome, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, depression—each only covering part of the picture. These incorrect diagnoses lead to inappropriate medication that can be dangerous or even life-threatening.
One woman was prescribed Paxil after a 15-minute visit, and within four days experienced uncontrollable urges to cut herself. She was then given anti-psychotics, SSRIs, anticonvulsants, and mood stabilizers, which caused her to hallucinate and hear voices commanding self-harm. She attempted suicide and was hospitalized. Only after getting off all medications two years later did the voices and cutting urges disappear. The core problem: doctors prescribe one-size-fits-all doses when Aspergians need 1/3 to 1/2 the normal starter dose—their bodies are too sensitive. Several women were self-diagnosed first because they couldn’t afford formal diagnosis, and later received official confirmation.
The Gut-Autism Connection and Digestive Health
Most Autism researchers now believe Autism involves a compromised digestive system that allows toxins into the bloodstream during crucial brain development stages. Gluten-free/casein-free and specific carbohydrate diets operate on the premise of a “leaky gut.” Research for the book found 9 out of 10 people on the spectrum had digestive problems; for this book, all but two had significant stomach/intestinal issues. Common problems include chronic nausea, food allergies, migraines, IBS, constipation, ulcers, heartburn, and extreme sugar/salt cravings. Many have accepted daily pain as normal—this is not inevitable and represents a treatable condition.
The author’s trial with supplements showed that healing digestive health improved Autism symptoms: more even mood, decreased anxiety, fewer meltdowns, better social tolerance, and reduced stimming needs. Natural alternatives to antidepressants that have helped include 5-HTP, St. John’s wort, ginkgo biloba, and powerful antioxidants, though all require dose adjustment for Autistic sensitivity. Recommendation: gradually transition from processed foods to organic, whole-food, plant-based diet as a foundation before attempting restrictive Autism diets. This foundational work can significantly improve digestive health and, consequently, Autism symptoms and emotional regulation.
Aspergian Motherhood: Strengths and Challenges
Aspergian mothers tend to be “unconventional yet conservative”—strict, safe, logical, protective, and intellectually stimulating parents. Their need for control, sensory sensitivities, and love of learning often result in children who read extensively, eat nutritiously, get exercise and fresh air, and receive strong intellectual stimulation. Many Aspergirls homeschool their children due to distrust of school systems. However, undiagnosed Aspergian mothers often struggle with the realization they weren’t meeting their children’s emotional needs—missing social milestones, failing to understand unspoken expectations, and appearing emotionally immature while intellectually sound.
For single Aspergian mothers, especially after divorce, the loss is catastrophic: losing the family’s sole breadwinner, the social buffer, and the person managing all the things they cannot. Multiple stories detail devastating spirals—one woman became a single mother of five with no job experience after two men left her, spending 16 years trying to rebuild her life. Children can become emotionally dependent on the Aspergian mother’s special interests, making empty nest particularly devastating. The dichotomy of being emotionally immature yet intellectually competent creates serious misunderstandings with social workers and family courts—at least two women interviewed had their children temporarily removed based on suspicion of inadequate parenting despite being exonerated.
Rituals, Routines, and Literal Thinking
Aspergians have rigid adherence to ritual and routine as a security mechanism—a way of controlling an otherwise precarious world. The DSM-IV’s label of “control issues” misrepresents this as a psychological problem that can be eliminated through effort, when in reality it can only be lessened, never eliminated. Routine is actually protective—it creates reliability and stability for families and workplaces. However, rigidity can prevent taking jobs, trips, attending functions, and maintaining relationships.
Aspergians struggle with metaphor, sarcasm, and implied meaning. One woman ordered exactly 12 kalamata olives at a deli counter because a recipe called for 12, not understanding she could simply eat extras. Another answered a taxi driver’s “Where are you?” with “I’m right here” from the back seat. This literal interpretation can make them appear unintelligent despite high intelligence, or seem intentionally obtuse when they’re simply processing language differently. Blunt, honest speech without tact gets Aspergians into significant trouble—their directness is often perceived as rudeness, manipulation, or arrogance, though no malice is intended.
Bridge-Burning: the Cycle of Abrupt Departure
Nearly all Aspergirls interviewed identified bridge-burning as a defining characteristic. When situations become unbearable, they abruptly leave—relationships, jobs, homes, cities, countries—often without notice or gracious exit. This stems from the DSM criterion of “failure to develop peer relationships.” Bridge-burning feels empowering in the moment, creating a sense of control: “I’m the one with power; I don’t need them.” However, it’s usually done in meltdown heat and is often regretted. The pattern reflects both depression meltdowns (seeking new horizons to escape persistent depression) and temper meltdowns (permanent severance after perceived injustice).
Root causes include repeated misunderstandings, feeling taken for granted, not receiving love/appreciation felt deserved, and cumulative hurt. Related pattern: pre-emptive strikes (quit before fired, dump before being dumped) reflecting Aspergian ability to sense trouble ahead. The cycle repeats: new location, new job, new relationship, similar problems arise, bridge burns again. Consequences include damaged reputation, lost references, lost recommendations, inability to return to jobs/stores/friendships. The author theorizes this tendency to self-imposed change may cause doctors to miss the Asperger’s diagnosis, since Aspergians normally hate change—burning bridges represents the opposite.
Aging on the Spectrum: Relief and Challenges
Many women aren’t diagnosed until middle age, and this often brings relief and settling into their skin for the first time. The diagnosis explains the “why” behind lifelong struggles. Combined with self-knowledge from aging, many Aspergirls report being happier in their 40s and 50s than ever before. Benefits of aging include less hyper energy, less self-centeredness, developing wisdom, freedom from beauty standards, relief from menstruation and hormonal cycles, loss of sexual attractiveness experienced as relief, and freedom from performing normalcy—they stop hiding quirks and eccentricities.
However, major challenges emerge: poverty from unemployment/underemployment, loneliness as children grow up and leave, and cumulative health issues from untreated stress and PTSD. Nursing homes present particular nightmares due to noise, smells, and staff unfamiliar with Autism triggers. Many older Aspergirls face declining functional ability despite appearing high-functioning, creating misunderstandings with practitioners who see no obvious disability. Recommendations include maintaining health proactively, avoiding total reclusiveness, consider relationship benefits for aging together, increase income dramatically, and plan for financial security.
The Belief-Acceptance-Love-Like-Support Framework for Parents
For parents of Aspergirls, this framework provides concrete structure for support that prevents comorbid psychological damage and builds self-worth. Belief: Communicate belief in daughter’s potential verbally and through actions; educate skeptical family members rather than letting daughter spend energy convincing them; support her dreams even if unconventional. Acceptance: Accept the impact of Asperger’s on her life; when she says she can’t handle certain conditions, respect those limitations; use small, supported steps rather than “throwing her in the deep end.” Love: Provide unconditional love without conditions; avoid “I love you, but…” constructions. Like: Genuinely like your daughter and see things from her perspective; understand that solitude is a need for regulation, not rejection. Support: Extend support beyond typical independence milestones; recognize that emotional maturity lags behind intellectual development; provide moral, emotional, and sometimes financial support into adulthood.
Key Insights and Transformative Perspectives
Internalized Guilt May Be More Damaging Than Core Autism Symptoms: Without diagnosis, families blame girls for “choosing” meltdowns or “deliberately” acting weird. This creates lifelong guilt complexes where Aspergirls believe they should simply “handle” situations others manage. The author explicitly states that most psychological problems associated with AS have more to do with non-acceptance, bullying, and blaming than anything else.
Intellectual Giftedness Can Mask Social Devastation: The book challenges the assumption that intellectual ability predicts life success or happiness. Many Aspergirls are intellectually advanced yet experience severe social isolation, bullying, and academic failure. Gifted Aspergirls sometimes become high school dropouts, not because they lacked capability but because toxic school environments made attendance psychologically intolerable.
Empathy Exists but Expression Is Misunderstood: The dominant narrative claims Autistic people lack empathy. The book directly contradicts this, presenting evidence that Aspergirls often have overwhelming empathy that they struggle to express appropriately. This is not absence of empathy but conditional empathy—extended fully to those who show reciprocal care, but withdrawn entirely from those who don’t.
Sensory Overload Is Neurological Assault, Not Preference: Aspergirls describe sensory overload in terms typically reserved for physical injury: being “hit by a baseball bat,” fever-like symptoms, genuine physical pain. One woman spent a day in Boston and experienced fever and kaleidoscopic visual playback as her brain “purged” the sensory invasion like a virus. This isn’t preference; it’s pathophysiology.
Bridge-Burning Reflects Boundary Strength Expressed Destructively: Nearly all Aspergirls interviewed identified bridge-burning as a defining pattern. The book reframes it: Aspergirls have strong boundary-sensing abilities and can detect when situations are unsustainable; they respond by withdrawing. The problem isn’t the boundary-setting but the method—abrupt departure without notice or negotiation, usually during meltdown, often regretted.
Medication Sensitivity Creates Systemic Harm: Many psychiatric medications cause severe adverse effects in Aspergirls at standard doses. If medication is prescribed, it should start at 1/3 to 1/2 normal starter dose. The book documents correct diagnosis often being delayed because Aspergirls receive incorrect diagnoses leading to inappropriate medication, sometimes with catastrophic consequences.
Parental Unconditional Love Is Reparative and Protective: The book emphasizes that Aspergirls without secure parental attachment often end up in abusive relationships and cycling through trauma. Parental unconditional love functions as genuine trauma prevention and healing in ways therapy alone cannot. This challenges the narrative that therapy is the primary intervention; for Aspergirls, secure attachment is primary intervention, and therapy is secondary support.
Critical Warnings and Important Notes
The book documents severe mental health crises in Aspergirls, including PTSD from bullying, depression leading to suicidal ideation, selective mutism preventing help-seeking, and self-harm. Parents and Aspergirls themselves should recognize that invisible Autism creates invisible crises—good grades and apparent high functioning mask serious psychological distress. Bullying is nearly universal in Aspergirls’ school experiences and creates lasting PTSD. Parents should actively monitor for bullying and be willing to switch schools if bullying emerges.
Aspergirls’ emotional naiveté, theory-of-mind challenges, and desire for intimate connection make them vulnerable to sexual abuse, exploitation, and predatory relationships. Parents should educate explicitly about healthy vs. abusive relationships, support open communication, teach assertiveness and right to bodily autonomy, and monitor for signs of grooming or abuse. Aspergirls face particular risks in aging related to poverty, isolation, and institutional care challenges. Proactive planning in middle years is essential for long-term wellbeing and safety.