Exploring Bullying With Adults With Autism And Asperger

Exploring Bullying with Adults with Autism and Asperger Syndrome

Executive Summary

This comprehensive guide examines bullying through the dual lens of autism spectrum experiences—both as vulnerable targets and, less commonly acknowledged, as potential perpetrators. The work stands apart by refusing to simplify bullying into purely victim-perpetrator dynamics, instead exploring how autistic characteristics can create vulnerability to bullying while simultaneously contributing to bullying behaviors in others. The text grounds itself in cognitive-behavioral frameworks, offering practical assertiveness skills and coping strategies while maintaining clear legal and human rights perspectives.

What makes this resource distinctive is its balanced approach: it celebrates autism-related strengths (attention to detail, honesty, loyalty, creativity) while honestly acknowledging how communication difficulties, sensory processing differences, and social rule misunderstandings can sometimes lead to autistic individuals engaging in bullying behavior—without ever using autism as an excuse. The work integrates practical assertiveness training, emotional regulation strategies, and detailed guidance on disclosure and documentation, all while emphasizing that bullying is illegal, unacceptable, and surmountable with proper support.

Understanding Bullying: Definition and Recognition

Bullying involves repeated, deliberate intent to harm with a power imbalance present. Unlike legitimate requests like paying bills or doing chores that ultimately serve your interests, bullying represents fundamentally unacceptable behavior that no one deserves. The text distinguishes five types of bullying:

• Physical bullying ranges from seemingly minor unwanted touching to serious criminal assault including hitting, pushing, throwing objects, or locking someone away
• Emotional bullying encompasses unkind words, threats, social exclusion, spreading rumors, psychological manipulation, and sharing private images without consent
• Financial bullying creates dependency through stealing money, forcing withdrawals, demanding payment for fictional debts, or controlling benefit money without agreement
• Sexual bullying violates personal boundaries through unwanted touching, exposure, forcing sexual activity, or coercion—constituting sexual assault without explicit consent
• Cyberbullying manifests as online harassment including posting lies, humiliation in digital communities, unwanted sexual content, threats, and mocking websites, with the unique capacity to reach victims anywhere and leave permanent digital records

Bullying occurs across settings: private homes and vehicles, educational and workplace environments, public spaces, and online platforms. The text emphasizes that bullying can happen anywhere to anyone—most people experience it at some point—but this normalizing doesn’t make it acceptable.

Autism, Vulnerability, and Strength

The work addresses a crucial misconception directly: autistic people are not bullied because they have autism. Bullying based on neurology is never acceptable. However, certain autism characteristics may be exploited by bullies seeking differences to target. Vulnerability increases when alone, displaying valuable possessions, under the influence of substances, sharing confidential information inappropriately, experiencing relationship endings, or when past mistakes can be weaponized.

Protective factors include being with trusted allies, maintaining privacy about confidential matters, having support during relationship transitions, acknowledging your own mistakes, accessing advocates in power-imbalanced situations, and practicing assertiveness. The text provides a nuanced examination of autism characteristics that bullies may target: difficulties with verbal communication (sometimes misperceived as shyness), challenges maintaining eye contact, trouble following group conversations, intense focus on special interests, difficulty reading facial expressions and non-verbal communication, preference for solitude, misunderstanding social boundaries, excessive worry and need for reassurance, difficulty understanding others’ emotional states, strong attachment to routines, noticeable physical movements or stims, carrying comfort objects, and needing extra support that bullies may exploit.

Importantly, the text then pivots to celebrate autism-related strengths, framing these same traits as valuable assets. These include a unique perspective (comparing autistic thinkers to historical innovators like Einstein, Mozart, and Babbage), attention to detail valuable in work and hobbies, honesty that reduces misunderstandings, precise language use, reliability, deep knowledge in special interests, strong memory for facts and dates, logical thinking, creativity (referencing artists Andy Warhol and Steven Wiltshire), loyalty, perseverance, rule-following, strong sense of justice, compassion, uniqueness, artistic ability, numerical and date skills, resilience, and sometimes exceptional talents.

This reframing is particularly valuable: characteristics that bullies target are presented as genuine strengths that contribute value to relationships, workplaces, and communities. Actively identifying and celebrating these strengths builds self-worth and reduces vulnerability to bullying.

The Cognitive-Behavioral Framework: Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

The text introduces a cognitive-behavioral framework as foundational for understanding responses to bullying. Feelings are categorized into physical sensations (bodily experiences like pain, nausea, trembling, headaches, muscle tension, or altered sensory perception) and emotional states (internal experiences like happiness, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, confusion, enthusiasm, and surprise). During bullying, you might experience sadness, anger, fear and anxiety, shame, loneliness, loss of confidence, disgust, hurt, powerlessness, worthlessness, intimidation, embarrassment, hopelessness, panic attacks, or even suicidal thoughts. Helpfully, determination and resilience can also emerge.

Thoughts are defined as mental content including facts, opinions, judgments, perceptions, ideas, decisions, memories, and fantasies. The crucial insight: thoughts are not always factual or accurate. The text details common unhelpful thinking patterns:

• Black-and-white thinking uses absolute terms (always, must, everything, nothing, never) like “I did one thing wrong so I’m a complete failure”
• Personalizing makes everything about yourself, assuming others’ behavior must be about you
• Catastrophizing jumps to worst-case scenarios: one bullying incident will ruin your entire life
• Shoulds, coulds, and musts involve unrealistic expectations about coping in impossible situations or demanding others treat you fairly
• Ignoring the positive filters out good experiences, focusing exclusively on what went wrong
• Mind-reading assumes you know others’ thoughts without evidence: “they think I’m stupid” or “everyone hates me”
• Predicting the future assumes negative outcomes before events happen
• Labeling involves stereotyping yourself as “useless” or “a failure” based on limited evidence

The core cognitive-behavioral insight: thoughts, emotional feelings, physical feelings, and behaviors all influence each other bidirectionally. Thinking “I can’t cope” leads to hopelessness (emotional), lack of energy (physical), and stopping usual activities (behavior), creating downward spirals. The encouraging news: changing any one element shifts the others positively. If you feel unable to see people but push yourself to have coffee with a friend despite anxiety, this behavioral change can generate hopefulness, increased energy, and revised thinking about coping capacity. This approach doesn’t deny legitimate sadness when bullied—rather, it recognizes when thoughts and feelings begin affecting unrelated life areas and uses this understanding to interrupt negative cycles.

Understanding Bullying Perpetrators

The text tackles a sensitive topic often avoided in autism-focused literature: why autistic individuals might sometimes engage in bullying behavior. This section represents one of the work’s most distinctive contributions. Anyone can be a bully—family members, friends, professionals, acquaintances, or strangers. Most people have bullied someone at some point, either deliberately or unknowingly. Similarly, most people have experienced bullying.

Autistic individuals may engage in bullying behavior due to difficulty understanding others’ feelings and perspectives, limited social understanding and reciprocity, intense focus on special interests that overshadows others’ needs, challenges with social communication and conversation skills, trouble understanding unwritten social rules, misinterpreting social situations and others’ intentions. Before bullying, an autistic person might feel frustration, anxiety, desire for control or predictability, or misunderstanding. During bullying, they might feel powerful, excited, stimulated, relief from tension, or justified. After bullying, they might experience guilt, shame, embarrassment, continued justification, or anxiety about consequences.

Specific autism characteristics that may increase bullying risk include social communication difficulties, non-verbal interpretation problems (misreading facial expressions and body language), preference for special interests leading to one-sided conversations, difficulty joining ongoing conversations appropriately, needing longer processing time that others misinterpret as rudeness, anxiety and excessive reassurance-seeking that can feel coercive, routine rigidity leading to bullying behaviors to force others to maintain preferred patterns, difficulty understanding others’ feelings—either over-analyzing or showing limited concern, potentially hurting others without realizing impact, repetitive movements or stimming that others may find threatening, inappropriate physical contact, misunderstanding relationship boundaries and perceiving exclusion where none was intended, and misconceptions about autism creating entitlement expectations.

The text explores underlying reasons: communication barriers where “challenging behaviors” like hitting, throwing objects, or swearing successfully elicit attention or desired responses, reinforcing their use. Social rule misunderstandings where breaking unspoken rules repeatedly appears intentional when actually due to not understanding the rule existed. Non-verbal communication difficulties leading to misinterpreting body language and facial expressions, resulting in unfounded anger and retaliation. Routine change anxiety where bullying behaviors effectively force others to maintain preferred routines. Difficulty understanding others’ feelings—either hyperanalyzing (creating anxiety) or showing limited concern, potentially hurting others without realizing impact. Sexual feelings and boundaries where touching without permission constitutes bullying, with some autistic individuals misunderstanding consent and personal boundaries.

This balanced exploration acknowledges contributing factors without absolving responsibility—a nuanced approach rarely found in bullying literature.

Assertiveness: Protecting Yourself Without Becoming a Bully

Assertiveness is presented as a communication style between passive and aggressive that protects you from both victimization and becoming a bully yourself. Passive behavior involves not standing up for yourself, allowing poor treatment, not expressing needs, avoiding conflict at all costs, and often becoming a bullying target. Aggressive behavior involves being rude, threatening, or insulting; attempting to control others; using physical force or intimidation; and often leading others to bully back or avoid you.

Assertive behavior involves calmly and clearly expressing needs, feelings, and boundaries; respecting others while protecting yourself; saying “no” without guilt; listening to others’ perspectives; standing up for yourself respectfully; knowing and expressing your needs while respecting others’; and communicating feelings honestly while acknowledging others’ feelings.

Assertive body language includes maintaining arm’s-length personal space, making appropriate eye contact (recognizing this may be difficult for autistic individuals), facing people when they speak, upright confident posture, walking away confidently from unwanted situations, using non-aggressive hand gestures, and avoiding pointing, finger-waving, fist-clenching, or unwanted physical contact.

Assertive speech techniques include using confident steady vocal tone, speaking at moderate volume, minimizing hesitation words, using explicit communication and respectful phrasing (“I would like…”, “I do not agree…”, “I feel upset when…”), allowing natural conversation breaks, avoiding interrupting, and refraining from making threats.

The text establishes nine fundamental rights underpinning assertiveness: being listened to even when requests are denied; having and expressing opinions respectfully; asking for help when needed; saying “no” without guilt or explanation; pursuing goals and dreams; changing your mind without justification; privacy in personal life and communications; owning belongings without forced sharing; and not being hurt by others physically or emotionally.

Practical Assertiveness Techniques

The “broken record” technique involves calmly and repeatedly stating your position without being derailed by others’ arguments. Pre-planning your script if you know someone will challenge you, staying calm, listening to their response, but persistently repeating your point until they accept it or you walk away. Example: “I understand your perspective, but I am not able to help with that right now.”

For managing criticism constructively, the text advises staying calm and breathing deeply, acknowledging what you’ve heard without immediate judgment, avoiding getting defensive or argumentative, responding with measured language (“I don’t agree with that,” or “I agree with some but not all”), and removing yourself if the person becomes aggressive.

Saying “no” assertively offers multiple approaches: ask for clarification if you don’t understand, don’t apologize for your boundary (“no” is a complete sentence), acknowledge you’ve heard them, explain reasons briefly if you choose, indicate possible future willingness, and if under severe pressure, say “no” firmly and loudly without shouting or physical aggression.

Replacing unhelpful behaviors with helpful alternatives follows a structured approach: identify the unhelpful behavior and understand why you do it; brainstorm alternative behaviors addressing the same need; identify supporters who can help with the transition; break the new behavior into specific manageable steps. The text provides a detailed example of someone overeating due to burnout replacing this with walks, flavored gum, learning about healthy eating, alternative shopping methods, smaller portions, and proper food storage—then breaking implementation into concrete steps like finding library hours, writing questions in advance, planning transportation, and approaching a librarian for help.

Distinguishing bullying from constructive feedback relies on four key questions: what is being said (disagreement or reasonable feedback isn’t bullying; abusive language, threats, or unkind unnecessary comments likely are); how is it being said (calm polite delivery suggests non-bullying even if unwelcome; shouting, sarcasm, or patronizing tone suggests bullying); what’s the person’s body language (clenched fists, blocking exits, or physically preventing departure indicates bullying); and why are they saying it (having your best interests at heart suggests non-bullying; deliberately hurting you indicates bullying except in necessary medical contexts).

Coping Strategies for Dealing With Bullying

Response strategies include ignoring the bully (if they believe you’re unaffected, they may stop, though this may initially increase bullying intensity before stopping—support from others is helpful if bullying escalates) or challenging the bully (only attempt if they likely didn’t realize their behavior was bullying; have a trusted person with you; be polite; plan what you’ll say; stay calm; avoid bullying behavior yourself; prioritize safety).

The text provides 15 specific emotional coping strategies: relax in comfortable quiet spaces doing enjoyable activities; talk to supportive people about interests and wellbeing; try something new to build self-esteem and confidence; exercise to improve emotional and physical health; watch or listen to funny content that makes you laugh; listen to music to lift mood and provide distraction; write or draw feelings to express emotions safely; call a helpline (such as Samaritans) for immediate support; allow yourself to cry as a natural emotional release; use a stress ball or other sensory overload tools to reduce tension; keep a journal of positive events to focus on non-bullying aspects of life; remind yourself of your right to respect and that bullying is never deserved; recall past difficulties you’ve coped with and apply successful strategies; ask others about their bullying experiences to normalize and learn from them; practice positive self-talk like “I can cope,” “I’ve managed difficult things before,” “I will learn from this,” “If I help myself feel good, bullies hurt me less,” “I’ll be proud of handling this responsibly.”

General coping techniques include writing feelings privately in journals or letters; talking to trusted friends, family, or professionals; using healthy distraction (reading, walking, games, hobbies); doing activities that boost confidence and self-esteem; practicing deep breathing and relaxation exercises; engaging in enjoyable absorbing activities.

The text includes critical warnings about harmful coping: avoid using alcohol, drugs, or excess medication (short-term relief without addressing underlying causes creates additional problems); avoid shutdown behaviors (mask rather than resolve underlying issues and create health risks including infection, scarring, and potential escalation).

Building Support and Maintaining Perspective

Bullies want you to feel alone and isolated. Cultivating relationships with people who help you feel positive—professionals, acquaintances, or even admired public figures—provides emotional support during difficult times, practical solutions to problems, reduced vulnerability to bullying, perspective on experiences, and validation of feelings and experiences.

If bullying dominates your self-image, the text reminds readers of multiple roles and identities: parent, sibling, or family member; employee, student, or volunteer; friend or community member; hobbyist or interest group participant; person with skills and talents. These diverse roles help maintain perspective and provide identity beyond being a bullying victim, reinforcing value and capabilities beyond the bullying experience.

Disclosing Bullying: Breaking the Silence

Telling someone you’re being bullied is often the first and most important step toward stopping it. Bullies rely on secrecy—when you disclose, bullying loses its power. Choose someone you trust: parent or family member, keyworker or support professional, counselor or therapist, teacher or employer, social worker or advocate, close friend or mentor. Consider their relationship with the bully; if they’re close to the bully and might not believe you, they may not be the right choice.

Choose appropriate time and place where the person can give full attention in private, confidential settings without interruption or being overheard. You can disclose through multiple methods: face-to-face conversation, phone call or video chat, email or text message, letter or note, social media private message. Writing may be easier if repeating the bully’s words is too painful or traumatic.

Disclosure should include specific details: who bullied you (names and relationship); what did they say/do (exact words and specific actions); where and when (location, date, time, frequency); how long has it been happening (duration and pattern); how did it make you feel (before, during, and after); what did you do (your response at the time); did others witness it (who saw or heard); how did it end.

Documentation and evidence are crucial: keep detailed notes on every incident (date and time, location, bully’s identity and relationship, exact words used and actions taken, feelings and thoughts during and after, your response and actions, witnesses present, how the incident ended). Preserve evidence including abusive messages (texts, emails, voicimals, letters, social media posts, graffiti), communications you sent the bully, any physical injury documentation with photos, screenshots of cyberbullying content. Important: avoid sending abusive or threatening messages in response, as this could be considered bullying itself and complicate your situation.

Last resort planning involves removing yourself from the situation (leave home, change jobs, cease contact) only after exhausting all other options. Plan carefully by answering what situations you need to remove yourself from, what you’ll lose by leaving, what alternative sources exist for lost resources, what preparation steps are needed, who can help with transition, exact timeline, what difficult changes to expect, what coping strategies will support you, and what positive outcomes you anticipate.

Stopping Bullying Behaviors: A Path to Change

For those who have engaged in bullying behavior, the text outlines an eight-step path to change: admitting the behavior (recognize harmful behavior, even if only to yourself initially); understanding impact (learn how victims feel physically and emotionally, recognize consequences for both parties, develop empathy by considering others’ perspectives); disclosing to a trusted person (identify someone trustworthy; choose appropriate time and place; select communication method); genuine apology using “I” statements showing personal responsibility, specifying exactly what behavior you’re apologizing for, acknowledging understanding of why it was wrong (“I am very sorry for calling you names; I know that it hurt your feelings and made you feel bad about yourself”).

Managing difficult emotions involves instead of “taking feelings out on somebody else,” expressing emotions safely using “I” statements (be specific about the emotion, express intensity, specify reasons). Alternative outlets include writing, drawing, or painting privately; using relaxation techniques and breathing exercises; seeking support from trusted people; physical activity and exercise.

Building positive self-talk replaces negative internal narratives (“I’m worthless,” “I can only get what I need by hurting others”) with positive affirmations: “I know that I am strong enough to stop bullying others,” “If I do things that help me feel good about myself, I will be less likely to bully,” “I know I can learn better ways of communicating feelings than through aggression,” “I have succeeded at things before and know I can succeed with this.”

Accessing positive feelings through 13 evidence-based strategies mirrors the coping strategies for bullying victims: relaxing in comfortable spaces, talking to supportive people, trying new activities, exercise, funny content, music, helplines, allowing yourself to cry, stress balls or masking tools, journaling positive events, reminding yourself that people have rights and deserve respect, reflecting on past positive changes, setting specific achievable goals.

Identifying triggers and developing alternatives involves understanding what situations make you want to bully, examining current coping strategies, practicing new behaviors before you need them, and seeking professional support if needed.

Legal Rights and Protections

Bullying is illegal and violates human rights. The Human Rights Act (1998) guarantees rights to life and protection from violence; protection from torture and degrading treatment; liberty and security; fair trial and justice; privacy and family life; freedom of expression; freedom from discrimination.

Many bullying behaviors constitute criminal offenses: false imprisonment (locking someone away or preventing them from leaving); assault and battery (physical attacks or unwanted touching); malicious wounding (causing serious physical injury); sexual offenses (sexual bullying without explicit consent constitutes rape or sexual assault); theft and financial crimes (taking money or possessions without permission); harassment and stalking (repeated unwanted contact or communication).

The Disability Discrimination Act (2005) provides specific protections for disabled people, including those with autism. All autistic adults are designated as “Vulnerable Adults” under legal frameworks, which can trigger mandatory reporting requirements. For bullying that constitutes criminal offenses or involves vulnerable adults, contact police services, local Safeguarding Adults teams (via police, Adult Social Care, NHS Trust), specialized bullying support organizations, or legal professionals specializing in discrimination or harassment cases. Accommodations and support are available through various legal and social services frameworks to ensure equal access and protection.

Key Takeaways

1. Bullying is never acceptable, and you’re not alone in experiencing it. Most people encounter bullying at some point, and it can happen anywhere to anyone. However, experiencing or perpetrating bullying isn’t your fault if you address it—and it can be overcome with support and effort. Understanding this reduces shame and opens pathways to help.

2. Understanding your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors separately helps you respond more effectively. Feelings are automatic but manageable. Thoughts are mental patterns, many unhelpful, but not facts—recognizing them as “unhelpful thoughts” reduces their power. Behaviors are your choices—even under pressure, you remain responsible but can learn new, helpful responses.

3. Your autism-related differences are strengths to be proud of, and this self-worth protects you. Characteristics that bullies pick on are the same traits that bring value: loyalty, reliability, honesty, detailed attention, creativity, resilience, sense of justice, and compassion. Actively identifying and celebrating these strengths reduces vulnerability and supports mental health.

4. You always have responsibility for your choices. Even under peer pressure, you retain agency and accountability for your behavior except in life-threatening extremes. This empowering principle means you can choose differently from social pressure and must accept consequences—but you’re not helpless in difficult situations.

5. Assertiveness protects you from both bullying and becoming a bully. The skill of respectfully expressing needs, boundaries, and opinions while acknowledging others’ perspectives sits between passive victimhood and aggressive harm. Passive people are vulnerable to exploitation; aggressive people risk becoming bullies; assertive people build relationships and establish respect that deters bullying.

6. Changing one element of the thoughts-feelings-behaviors triangle creates positive cascade. You don’t have to address everything at once. Small behavioral changes (like attending one coffee with a friend despite anxiety) shift emotional state, physical energy, and thought patterns, creating momentum for larger change. This is especially valuable when feeling stuck or hopeless.

7. Bullying is illegal and violates fundamental human rights. Many bullying behaviors constitute criminal offenses with serious legal consequences. Legal protections exist specifically for disabled people, and reporting serious bullying activates professional support systems designed to protect vulnerable adults.

8. Disclosure (telling someone) is the single most powerful intervention. Bullying thrives in secrecy. Breaking silence—whether by telling a trusted adult, documenting incidents, or reporting to authorities—simultaneously removes the bully’s primary power source and activates external protection and support.

9. Understanding why autistic individuals sometimes engage in bullying can facilitate change without excusing behavior. Executive function challenges, communication barriers, sensory sensitivities, social confusion, or anxiety often underlie bullying behavior. Recognizing these enables targeted interventions rather than pure punishment. However, responsibility remains—“I have autism” never justifies hurting others.

10. Coping strategies work best when combined and personalized. No single strategy works universally. The most resilient approaches involve surrounding yourself with supportive people, documenting evidence, practicing concrete coping skills (exercise, creative expression, positive self-talk), maintaining multiple life roles and identities, and recognizing achievements to counteract identity-crushing effects.

Important Reminders for Professionals Supporting Autistic People

Receiving disclosures from autistic individuals requires specific approaches: listen to literal language without reading between lines (autistic people typically mean exactly what they say and are very honest; avoid assuming hidden meanings or subtext not explicitly stated); use visual approaches to clarify understanding (autistic people often process visual information more effectively than verbal communication alone; use drawings, diagrams, and sequential records); don’t rely on non-verbal communication to assess distress (eye contact, facial expressions, and tone may not reliably indicate emotional state or truthfulness in autistic individuals due to differences in neurotypical communication patterns); be clear about next steps and provide specific timelines (ambiguity creates anxiety; specify exactly what will happen, when, and who will be involved; follow through on commitments).

Recognizing autism-specific communication involves understanding that lack of eye contact isn’t dishonesty or aggression (this may reflect comfort, processing time needs, or neurological differences unrelated to truthfulness); recognizing that emotional expression may not match experience (an autistic person might describe serious bullying harm in a calm, matter-of-fact tone; both the harm and their distress are real, even if expression seems atypical); allowing processing time during conversations (autistic individuals may need additional time to formulate responses, especially when discussing emotional or traumatic experiences); recognizing that distress may emerge later through behavioral changes (initial apparent calm may give way to increased need for routine, self-injurious behavior, or other indicators as processing occurs).